Philip Chin

The adventure continues...

I thought my little Geryl bring-along this afternoon to Jo's place and little meet-up with Linus (the celebrity, aiks) would be a great idea... but I couldn't help feeling a bit disturbed with Geryl ending up very quiet and looking very uncomfortable... I felt that I've put him through quite an ordeal, but he assured me after that he was fine about it... I thought he would hit it off at least with Linus, who's suppose to be the chatter, the ice-breaker...

So very sorry Geryl! But enjoyed your company today, though you loooked a bit fazed... I only saw that spirit and sparkle in your eyes towards the end of our coffee-session when we were talking on and on about movies and stuff, which I was so enlightened! Now I'm desperately trying to get hold of Usual Suspects. :) Wish me luck!

Just for the rest of you, I'm looking for the DVD of the movie, "Usual Suspects" starring Kevin Spacey! *SCREAM*

I've forgotten about it the other time when it was highly recommended by MY Dr. Teh. :) Tomorrow I'm going DVD-hunting! But maybe most shops would not be opened yet.

OK. Now for the latest milestone in my life!

Philip Chin (the "love" of my life... in inverted commas because it's literally abstract) is finally out of my system! I've finally got to talk with him, be in the same breathing space with him for once, without feeling uncomfortable (and without him feeling overly uncomfortable too, which was the impression I've always got from him)... Linus arranged that I pick him up from his place on the way to visit Linus' place... I did most of the talking anyways...

Refer to my blog post of 13 January 2006, when I was talking about Philip... I even told Linus that I dreamt about him recently and thought that it was a sign that I would be meeting him soon... and what do you know?! When you wish something hard enough, it may just come true. :) I'm still feeling a bit dazed now.

He's sooo different now. I mean he still looks cute to me, maybe a little daddy-looking, more buffed up and all, not so skinny and scrawny, a biker I heard... but still talks funny, wearing kind of funny clothes, more assertive I would say.... and he's got tattoos! Lots of them! I almost died just now when he showed them off to me and Linus. They were not very pretty, but he had like easily 6 huge ones all over his body. It's amazing because I remembered that he said body-piercing was disgusting... any body-modifying stuffs were disgusting.... and now look at him.... senseless, haphazard, permanent tattoos all over.

People do change, a lot. And I was listening to him telling Linus that he's always been interested in body art.

And he was asking me in the car why I was still in contact with Linus... is it because he's a celebrity? I almost fainted too with that question. I was't offended, just wondering why he was having that line of thinking... but then I remembered Linus saying that Philip was also one of those who had been keeping in touch with him. And he was so defensive of Linus when I insulted him... I mean I know Linus would appreciate brutal honesty, and that's why there's no tapis-tapis business in my business.

Anyways, it's what I've been praying for. I need to move on. I need to dispel that fantasy I had been having of Philip all these donkey years. He's just a normal guy after all... not the god that I've fashioned him to be in my own mind. He's just Philip Chin, who's touched my life and helped make me into what I am today. And for that I have to thank God for his existence in my life, and I have to thank Philip himself for just being himself.

Since I'm here might as well I reveal this thing that I've not told anyone before... when I was in college, there's this girl that could "see" the future... many students would make their ways to her apartment and ask her to "see" their future...and her specialty was in love and relationship... and she described exactly how my "story" with Philip wopuld end... exactly how it ended tonight.... and also how I would not believe her and would continue to harbour feelings for this guy until today.... and she was right all along....

And hence that chapter of my life is finished from this point onwards.

He only has my best wishes!

OMG! Look how 2006 is turning out to be!

Of course I'm not forgeting Daniel Wood! MOst interesting character.... most interesting life too! I wanted to tell him that for what it's worth, I thought he's leading a very writer kind of life.... and I terribly envy him.... you know that saying "the pen is mightier than the sword"... tell me how many people can actually say that about their pen? :) He's like one of the greatest writer I know personally.... I remember that one time when we were corresponding through email, I had to repeatedly check my mail to make sure that there were no grammatical or spelling mistakes! Imagine just an informal email.... that's just how much regard I have for this guy and his writing.....

So what a great day.... now topping my very exciting affair with the Aussie Open and Baghdatis!

Sleep tight everyone.

Fairytale

Though the outcome of the Aussie Open didn't sway my way, I'm not less happy, in fact my dad was confused.... "Who are you supporting anyway?" he asked when I cringed as Federer neted a half forehand volley...

"I don't want Marcos to win just because Federer play badly... I want him to overwhelm him if possible with his smart game...."

But of course for those who already know the outcome, Baghdatis "succumbed" to the master himself.... Federer cooly survived a shocker opening set loss to come back strongly, without looking back.... Baghdatis loooked so weary at the end, but his fairytale journey at the Aussie Open still has a floaty-floaty feeling in me... making me feeling very nice and high.... it's such a dream.... making my one-week break most enjoyable, except when I woke up this morning realizing that Aussie Open ended yesterday...

Now I'm waiting for the French Open.... can Juan Carlos make a comeback? :)

It's been pretty warm these couple of days... so I'm pretty lazy to leave the house, but later making my way to Jo's place... can't wait to see my Godchildren! :) Hehe...

Maybe a little shopping after that, but don't know whether anywhere that's open. Doesn't matter...

What a great holiday... *beam*

Cheers!

Will it be Federer or Baghdatis? Let the best man win...

Happy Chinese New Year! It's the year of the dog... my kind of year... :)

Just want to wish a few buds of mine who's been out of sight for a while... but definitely not of out the mind... Wilhma and Wendy in KK and Jane in Sandakan! And not forgeting Sue Yii in KL!

And of course to my buds studying with me, you know who you are... will be missing you guys during this one-week break...

To everyone who wants a 2nd chance at making new year resolutions!

Cheers!

Marcos Baghdatis of Cyprus! Catch him in action against Federer in the 2006 Aussie Open Men's Final on Sunday!

OK!

I would say my clinical exam went ok, better that I imagined and feared, so that's great. Got an easy long case... asthma, but of course complicated by early-onset hypertension... but I felt that I managed to talked myself out of the situation just now.

For my short cases, I got Dr. Xavier! I was kinda nervous at first but of course profesionalism prevailed! Hehe... You see I used to have a crush on Dr. Xavier until he lost 20kg and swapped his thick black-rimmed with contact lenses! :) He was my Dr. Teddy Bear back in 3rd year, when he looked nerdy and was moody but extremely passionate with his work... nowadays he acts kinda cool and composed and looks kinda dashing (and a teeny-weeny bit conceited)....

Anyways, I thought I did ok because I didn't make any major mistakes. And right after the exam, he immediately gave me his feedback, which I thought was superb because most other examiners leave the students feeling dumbfounded and baffled sometimes after clinicals... so I thought that was really very professional.... I think he got that from Oxford... yup he's an Oxford graduate, known for his high standards... which I don't really mind even if I get a lousy mark because he was considerate and he tried making the exam as condusive and as comfortable for both patients and the medical students.

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

By the way, I got a pleural effusion and stroke for my 2 short cases..... phew! Nothing exotic like another colleague of mine got last rotation... I think it was a case of neurofibromatosis with phaechromocytoma. Wow, that's disturbing.

Anyways, now I'm just chilling out... have to finally give in to my mum... brought her shopping this afternooon... then got home and helped her with dinner... tonight I'm just going to chill out! *beaming*

The only unfortunate thing at the moment is that my Marcos is trailing Nalbandian in the Aussie semis... shit. And I think he might not play his way out of this match... he looks kinda flat... feel so sorry for him... all his 5 setter have finally got to him.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a Federer-Baghdatis final on Sunday.

Cheers!

No boundaries

My kind of guy...

This is Dimas

Feline schizophrenia

Yes, today OSCE questions were a bit more, like what Chris said, "answerable". Thank God, but still there were a few stations where I couldn't answer most questions confidently. But that's now over.

So now I'm home to my Aussie, Aussie, Aussie Open! Grosjean vs. Kiefer... and I purposely left my laptop connected to internet to get the latest scores, because actually what we're getting so called live telecast is delayed a couple of minutes, so that's not acceptable in close matches. :) I know I'm a bit crazy these couple of days.

I was strucked by something a friend said last night. "Hey I thought your faith is stronger than mine!" Then went on and on about praying and religion. I just didn't have the energy to engage in any debate.... but luckily too... because now I realize that I'm not wrong.... who in the world know what's faith for sure? I don't think that it's a simplified as what how he put it, compare it and gauge it.

It's something too much more complex and even more mysterious.

And why should he (or anyone for that matter) gasp when I said something that may reflect that I'm doubting myself and even my faith?

It's only human that I have my ups and downs.

Anyways... by the way I just realized that my cat Miss Jelly might be schizophrenic. Seriously. Her body language, her paranoia, etc.....She keeps running in and out of the house, always lloking behind her shoulders... gets startled easily, fear in her eyes, hiding behind the sofa, now taking refuge in the store room. Even my dog can't help looking at her with some puzzlement.... but my mum said it's a sign that she might be dying.... this was based on her observation on all our cats in the past. She's not in pain or distress... eating well, shitting and peeing ok..... my dad says that she's just probably senile.

Miss Jelly is about 10 years old, but still looking cute and fluffy. Miss Jelly's mum, Miss Piggy (who now lives next door) has been around since I was in Primary 3! That makes her.... 15 years old! OMG. No wonder my mum says that she might be a witch or a ghost. She's pretty fiesty for an old lady. She eats crushed cat food because she's lost all her teeth.

Anyways, back to my Aussie, Aussie, Aussie Open! Go Marcos!

Cheers!

Feeling romantic

I really don't know what to study for tomorrow, or revise for that matter. Medicine is just so vast, just so like that line where the earth meet the sky in the horizon.

And for the exam tomorrow is a 10-station exam. And I don't want to make the mistake of spotting questions. Even though today I spotted amazingly 2 out of 4 of my MEQ, I still couldn't answer them very well. ACS and stroke. Chronic liver disease was also intergrated, but that was ok. And of all things, the other 2 questions were on gout and acromegaly. I know these 2 subjects only superficially, so the pharmaco and physio aspects went down the drain.

MCQ was the worst of the 3 papers today. I can honestly say that I might as well flunk that paper, because even if I did pass it, it's pure sinful luck.

But the best thing about post-exam today was that I felt really bad only for like 5mins... after that I was fine... even helped out mum with dinner, slept on the couch, replied all my emails, watched TV, read through my corrected case write-ups and oncall reports by Dr. Hla Myint, etc.

So how am I preparing for tomorrow? Aussie Open! Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!!!!

Marcos Baghdatis rocks! This cypriot is my new hero.... so I didn't quite appreciate it that Raj refered to him as the "baggy guy". Hmmpph!

Now I'm praying for a Federer-Baghdatis final! It's like all my troubles in the whole is gone when I watch him play... *dreamy* You know, watching a wonderful match of tennis is a very profound and romantic thing for me, and no exam in the world would stop me from this indulgement.

So I'll be flying blue and white tomorrow (flag of Cyprus???) going into my exam.

Cheers!

Quite a disastrous day

Day 1 of End of Posting (Medicine) Exam.

Papers were tough. Didn't feel good doing it... didn't feel good after, either. Actually quite disastrous. *sigh* Story of my life.

I was even thinking that Medicine might not be the thing for me halfway through my MCQ paper. I has so much time left because there were quite a handful of the questions that I just couldn't answer. No clue. Nada. Zero.

I just hope to scrap through this posting because my friends from Surgery told me things would be better there... I truly hope so... I do prefer surgery to internal medicine (where the doctors are more full of themsleves).

Tomorrow OSCE. Then Thurs short and long cases. Still some more chances to redeem my self.

Then hoprefully after Thurs there will be some more left of me to enjoy CNY and my overdue 1-week break.

*fingers crossed*

I'm a quarter of a century old today!

And I'm loving it!

I have zits

I have zits. Shit. Stress. Shit. Exam. Shit.

Don't worry. Nothing new.

Dr. Annuar. Shit. Why is he such a pain in the ass?

Glad everything's settled with the visiting lecturer. Now I can do my own stuff in peace.

Wish me luck ya. Good luck to my colleagues too.

(I have poverty of speech and thought at the moment)

What was he doing in the office on a Saturday morning?

So I was sending in my oncall report in Dr. M's pigeon hole this morning around 8.30am... then suddenly...

"Anything? What are you doing here?"

I turned and I saw a lecturer... I know he's a lecturer, but not his name... he used to man the campuc clinic in Samarahan.... unfriendly guy.... poor eye contact.....

"Oh I'm sending in something to Dr. M... I wanted to meet her too...."

There's a lecturers' office just a stone throw away from the pigeon boxes... I wanted to talk to her about our elusive neuro sessions with the visiting lecturer on Monday....

"I don't think anyone's here.... you should not be up here... you have to meet the lecturer downstairs..." he said without looking at me...

"Oh, ok...." Then I walked off...

A couple of things went through my mind.... when I went knocking on Dr. M's door, I heard down the corridor music coming from some other lecturer's office... faint but it's music.... maybe it's his... maybe he thought I wanted to steal printing paper... maybe he was surfing a porn web site and was afraid I might accidentally "hear" it or see it.... maybe he was masturbating or something....

Hmm.... students see the lecturers all the time in their offices.... nm... whatever.... I've known Dr. M to be in her office on Saturday mornings... that's why I gave it a shot and knocked on her door...

Anyways.... just bringing some some Saturday morning juice to everyone!

Cheers!

Busy, busy times... exam's just around the corner.... studying frenzy.... no time to even update my blog... because I feel guilty spending the time I do blogging.... but this entry is an exception. Spent the whole day reading and reading, and wondering how much will get retained... wondering how all the HO struggled through their final months in medical school..... then thinking about what my life would be in KK later (hehe... counting my chicks before they are hatched)....

And Dr. A is not making my final 2 weeks as Posting Leader any easier.... he's refusing to reply my email/sms to whether the invited neurologist (he promised many weeks ago) would take us for our neuro sessions next week.... my colleagues are pressuring me for answers and Dr. M is pressuring me for another class, which I'm glad to have with her but I don't want any messy clashes, and everyone gets "offended".... I guess only my coursemates would understand the circus that we're studying in.

I even forgot to submit my oncall report to the faculty today! When I realized it, it was already 5.45pm, so I figured I'll just drop it off tomorrow morning.... no harm done.

Then last night, after my battles with my books... I had the most wonderful dream in the whole wide world.... but should I mention real names??? *wondering*

For some reason I dreamt about my crush from my school days... and it was so vivid... his face and his voice were so real, and I could even remember each and every single word he said in my dream.... No, I'm not going crazy.... in fact when I woke up this morning, I felt so happy and so motivated to study.... it's like I've fallen in love all over again.... only wish that it was real instead of a dream.... hehe...

I even remember this part when he was talking to a friend (actually a current coursemate, who in real life does not know my crush) about the one quality of the girl he wants to marry.... and he said, "Someone who loves children..." and he glanced over to me....

Of course in real life I would just faint (and wonder whether I real love children), but in the dream I was so composed and had that reaction/feeling of like, "Wow, that's what I would like my guy to be too...."

Then suddenly I dreamt that we were at a camping ground, and he sang and played the guitar.... *melt*

Then we were at a mutual's friend's wedding reception, seated at the same table... chatting, catching up with old times....

*dreamy*

I know, I know I sound ridiculous, but isn't it wonderful to have such a mind-altering dream! Hehe... Anyone who knows the secret of dream interpretation, fill me in on what my dream may mean! I mean, I mean, why was it so vivid and so powerful?

And why him? I have not seen him for what 3 years? 4 years?

Bonne nuit beautiful people!

Tonight Japanese buffet, my uncle's treat, again! Since we (except mum and dad) enjoyed it so much he decided to treat us for an early Chinese New Year dinner (because he couldn't get reservation for the next 2 weeks...)

So I'm very excited, and have been saving up for tonight. :) Typical Chinese?

*daydreaming*

"Salmon..."

Anyways, had 2 really great sessions with Dr. Mra this week... wished we had gotten her earlier in our posting... I don't know really what to say, except that I love her style of teaching... I can follow her train of thoughts very well, but of course I have to ignore all the other elements of feeling inadequate and even stupid....She said that some of us are just not "teachable"... nope... she used the word "trainable"... hehe like training doggies...

"2 or 3 of you don't need our (lecturers) service.... 30% of you can be trained... but the rest of you are just untrainable!"

She was infuriated about something just now... we were all very scarred... the class was silent...

I know that Adeline, Josh and Chee Shee are her "2 or 3"....

So am I trainable? Hehe...

You know, medicine is a cruel field.... the people in this field are so fierce and so protective of it that they have this automatic mechanism to run down anyone that don't think like them... even when they meet their matches, they still go all out to undermine each other....

Reminds me of newborn Dingo pubs in a litter trying to kill each other, even with their still unopened eyes... but that's a natural instinct to increase their survival chances....

As for the doctors, why would a Physician undermine a Surgeon, or a Paediatrician undermine a Obstetrician?

Patients play 2nd fiddle to all that... sad huh? You should see how some of the doctors treat the patients... even I feel very embarassed.

Doctors are some of the most unpleasant people around nowadays, unfortunately.... and I'm to join them in a couple of months time....

Sometimes I really don't know what I'm doing...

*sigh*

In the mean time, I'm just taking everything step-by-step.... reading quite diligently.... beginning to love my Harrison's (hopefully not too late...)... but I wish I'm praying more... and I wish I was blessed with more neurons... it seems like I have a lot of information in my head, but have no idea how to use them.... very frustrating you know...

Ok, I want to snooze for a while, what a treat you know...it's been a whiel since I had a free afternoon.... maybe read-up on some stuff after that before... before I prepare for my Salmon feast!

Cheers!

Relaxation therapy

I'm feeling so much better today... :)

Even the extended class today with Dr. Mra until 6pm didn't hamper my spirits... got home and even helped mum with dinner... had a hearty meal and the whole family settled in to watch Steve Irwin and Jeff Corwin in action! My kind of heroes... wouldn't mind marrying one of them, but mum's not impressed... she thinks that they are very unhygienic with all their wildlife adventures (eg. examining animal excrement without gloves, wrestling with alligators in the swamp, hugging primates, wrangling snakes, etc.) That's just mum.

Oh no.... I was searching for some Kevin McKidd pictures when I stumbled on a male celebrity nude page... very disturbed but at the same time quite intrigued! Muahha! :) *blush*

I think those human work of art only make up 0.001% of the population.

Luckily I was searching for McKidd's pictures... at least I know now that I was just smitten by the charater Bothwell on Gunpowder, Treason and Gunpowder (GTP)... he looks pretty sickly in his other pictures, skinny some more! OMG. On GTP, he was buffed up, had a very manly and brutish voise, (which I found quite a turn on) and he had a most beautiful scar on his face!

*swoon*

I know, I know... hey that's my relaxation therapy. :)

Anyways, didn't find any really nice pictures other than the one I've posted earlier, so I'll just keep it that way.

Now to continue hunting...

Bonne nuit!

THANK YOU!

If there's one thing I can say that I appreciate more than my life right now is the group of great friends that I'm so priviledged and so blessed to have.

THANK YOU.

God has answered my prayers (not really prayers lar because I didn't really pray that much recently...)... for a sign. A sign that I wasn't alone. A sign that there's more than what meets the eyes. A sign that there's still hope. A sign that I'll be ok.

THANK YOU.

Chris, Doreen and Soon Ching took me out for a get-together this afternoon. They actually got me cake for my birthday! 2 weeks in advance! :) Because on my actual day, 23 Jan, we all will be having our end of posting exam... and by the end of the week, all of them would be flying home for the Chinese New Year. It's so sweet of them to remember to share this moment with me despite the craziness of our lives right now.

THANK YOU!

Better morning

I just slept and slept last night. Didn't bother to wake up at my 6am alarm. Didn't bother to make it to CCU to wait on Dr. Annuar. There's really no point... he's just a bully. He's always complaining that we don't know shit, but he's constantly stealing our time...

Yesterday I was in the wards 7am onwards... and when he made his grand entrance into the CCU at 7.18am (the 1st of the last 2 weeks) he expected all of us to be waiting on him... I was in the female ward following up on a patient who was to be discharged that morning...

Anyways, he just made some noise and something, but I'm not bothered....

Doc Martin on Hallmark was kind of a disappointment. Didn't make me think, didn't make me laugh, didn't make me go "Hey, that's so cool..."

Now waiting for my parents for our usual weekend morning breakfast. Have to savour all these moments... may not have them in a couple of months time. Then later lunch with Chris, Doreen and Soon Ching. Can't wait. Miss chatting with them, even though actually I'm not really in the mood to chat. It's the company I love.

Then when I get back, have to start on my case presentation for Dr. Mra's rheumatology session on Monday, and also get started on my on-call reports... due next Friday...

Mere contemptibles

I'm back.

I'm in one of those dark moments. I'm so used to be in one of these that I'm so comfortable with it.

I was just thinking what I've done to myself by doing medicine... What have I done to my once confident and vivacious self?

Honestly I've never felt so weak and burdened and even afraid... a lot of times I feel alone, like my family doesn't really understand me, friends that I've beginning to feel uncomfortable around, and God seems so far away, and yet I'm always trying to remind myself that "Hey, His right here beside me, isn't He?"

I've always had excellent self-image (sometimes even too good for my own benefit)... but recently I've felt very negatively towards how I look and how I present myself, very self-conscious, very concerned about what people think... having overvalued ideas....

Don't worry, I don't have suicidal ideations, unlike my sister who always says she's suicidal or something.... I don't want to die... I just want a fresh start... a new life... a new mind... maybe I just want God to just spill it out directly.... What is His plan for me? What is it that He wants me to do? Just cut to the chase.

I wish that my vocal cords are paralyzed so that I don't have a voice, so that I won't be noticed so much. In my mind, people notice me because I talk too much, I speak my mind... so I hope that goes away. Because now when I think back, I'm an empty vessel. Literally.

Deep? Insightful? Bullshit. I don't know anything.

I don't want to be like Susan the Accountant.

Possible overvalued ideas:

• I'm not cut out to be a doctor, even God may screw up sometimes, it's all a huge mistake...
• Raj keeps looking at me as if I'm angry at him, which I'm NOT, and I wish that he would stop it, without asking any question or making a scene...
• Some people think I'm so smart just because I talk a lot when in fact I'm sooo stupid... why? Is it because of my face? Then I hate my face....
• I'll always be fat... has always been, no reason why I won't continue to be so
• I feel those very positive and happy people pretend to be so to spite me... in fact they are just as miserable as me

Strange things happening around me:

• What's with the emotional outburst by Dr. Gan? It creeped me out.
• What's with my inacessant laziness and lack of motivation and deliberate procrastination... everyone in the rat race is running pass ahead of me... and I continue to run slowly, indifferent to the urgency of the moment
• I'm having fantasies of dying in a natural disaster... the tsunami came, saw and conquered... reducing everything in her path to mere contemptibles

There... I feel much better already...

Dyspepsia

I guess my new year didn't kick off very well... it's manifestating as my old friend, dyspepsia. I'm a bit depressed and a bit frustrated, but that's just one of the thing about being a medical student, in my book. I can't speak for everyone.

Let's see... I really hate my group. I hate medical posting. And oh ya, I hate what I've put myself through. I just don't see the point anymore. Oh ya, I still hate Lien Chong San!

Continue later...

LIEN CHONG SAN: The Face of Evil

I cannot help but doing my part of immortalizing this savage's face! He's the infamous dog abuser from Selangor. I won't repeat on my blog what he did to his dog, Sheena... just type in his name on Yahoo Search or Google to see his rep sheet... or click here. I'll always remember his face and his name. Stupid man.

Object of my fascination: Kevin McKidd

Kevin McKidd as "Bothwell" in Gunpowder, Treason and Plot: Mary Queen of Scots

*swoon*

What would 2006 bring into my life? Or rather, what do I want from 2006?

Happy New Year everybody.

I want serenity first and foremost. The rest are just icing on the cake. I want serenity because I want to still be able to look at myself in the mirror even when I give up, when I'm at a lost, when I fail. I want to be able to tell myself, "Hey Sharon, it's ok... it's not the end of the world... move on...." I want to learn to embrace the not so wonderful side of life.... and hope something's gained from the experience...

But I also want to be deliriously happy, however idealistic it may sound. Happy even when I fail, and even happier when I succeed.

As for new year resolutions, only one resolution actually, to be more hardworking! :) I've been sooooo lazy.... and I want to learn to be more accountable for my actions... I noticed I have been making excuses for my shortcomings. That has to go.

These weren't thought out over new year's eve or something... it's been a hope and aspiration that were supressed, but now I finally spill it all out, and click on the "publish post" button of this entry and hope for a miracle to happen.

*fingers crossed*

So how did I usher in 2006? By having dinner with with my parents and their friends, even though my heart wasn't at the round table.... before dinner I took a long walk in the weekend market in Satok and looked and checked out anything, but in the end didn't buy a thing.... then I took the car and when "shopping" at a few places in the city.... what I was trying to do was to rediscover the joy that this activity used to bring me... no chance... I've grown out of it.

My last 3-4 hours of 2005 was spent watching "Mary Bryant" on Hallmark... what a great movie.... it was inspirational and romantic.... I even imagined myself torned between the cheeky and handsome William Bryant and the tall and dashing Lt. Ralph Clark! Hehe.... then I found myself challenged by the heroism of Mary Bryant... what is my so-called "predicament" compared to what she went through? Where the hell did she get all her will and strength?

And that's why she's today a legend in her own right.

And just before attending mass today, I was watching the epic movie on Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots.... again I couldn't get out off my couch... I was totally entranced by the upheaval of her time and her torrid love affair with James Hepburn, the 4th Earl of Bothwell.

I can't explain what is it that I'm doing or going through... a little bit melancholic... a bit nostalgic... shrouded by romanticism....

Or maybe I'm just a sucker for romantic movies, especially those in the Georgian era of England... I fancied myself in one of those BIG dresses, wearing corset (hehe...), plunging necklines, ballroom dancing, tall, handsome lords, dukes and all the king's men.... infidelity, torrid, torrid love affairs... must have some been quite an era. :)

Anyways, now back to the 21st century, more accurately 1 JANUARY 2006, I am just Sharon Chin, the measly medical student, struggling with her studies, her lack of confidence, her fear of the very near future, now trying to make a new start for the new year. The gal, who occasionally self-pities herself and refuses to let insight talk senses into herself. But she's trying...

Happy New Year once again everybody! May all your dreams come true!

Bonne nuit!

Feeling sadistic

Firstly, I want to welcome Pei Ling to my blog! :) She purposely asked for my blog address this afternoon, after she heard about it from "word of mouth". Hehehe... no problem... the more, the merrier... just always remember that all readers must read at their own risk. :)

There's really nothing here. It's just musing by a bipolar medical student who's hobby is to run down any stupid people and injustices in the world. But I'm not in the same category as Josh Beh, mind you.

For Pei Ling's sake, I'm going to demonstrate a little... for example, I usually blog about anything that may have caught my attention today:

• Pei Ling personally asked for my blog address... that's cute... she heard that it's "interesting" from Chris
• Then Yang said that I write "bad" things about people (direct translation from Mandarin), to which I disagreed... I write "relevant" and "salient" things about people who deserve to be written about
• Then Yang also blew Kai Chin's cover by announcing that he's my No.1 reader...let me quote Yang... (but translated from Mandarin)... "If Sharon starts a newspaper, Kai Chin will be the first one to buy a copy"
• A 1st year juniour approached me to ask me to write a 3-page report on my elective for the faculty's magazine or something like that... she showed me a copy of the last issue... quite nicely done, so at least if I write the report, I won't feel that my story would be published in a yucky magazine or something like that... instead, it would quite an honour... problem now is that it's been like 7months since my elective, the "feeling" has long evaporated I would have to say... but I promise her next week... see lar what I can "goreng" this weekend
• I had my PAKS just now (aka. mid-posting assessment)... not so bad lar after all... I talked and talked and didn't let the King of Confabulation the chance to confabulate, so whatever I get, I feel victorious already... :) muahahaha!!!
• Oh ya, just now after my PAKS around 12.30pm, I was stucked in the parking lot for about 20mins because the stupid and inconsiderate people that parked around me either have lost their stereoscopic view and didn't leave enough space for me to drive my car out of a parking lot, or they just didn't bother how much they would trouble other people... I would love to think the former, but it's most probably the latter, knowing local drivers here.... fortunately, a man (who belongs top the former group) came out of his vehicle to help direct me out of the lot.... he also almost gave up actually, but after a few reversing and forwarding, and also a little bump with the cars in front and at the sides, I finally made it out of the parking lot
• Should I next time park and occupy 2 parking lots to avoid this similar situation again? After all people here also don't appreciate people parking orderly and properly... hmmm...

So Pei Ling, you see... it's just like this... I just write and write about everything and anything whether they are beneficial or not.... nevermind, since you're here, might as well, make use of the links on my page... I highly recommend them... and if you, or anyone else for that mater have any other interesting websites to share... let me know.... I may just link them up....

I wonder whether I would get to blog next time when I start my housemanship? And if I'm in Sabah, I wouldn't have Streamyx like at home... hmmm... that would quite sad actually... I wouldn't have anywhere else to bitch....

Which brings me to my next subject, which I'm not going to elaborate... but I thought I bring it up just to share what it's on my mind a lot recently... I know, I know it's a bit premature, but I still can't decide where I want to do my housemanship... Kuching or KK?? Being the practical person that I am (cheh...) I've listed down the pros and cons.... but I still don't know.... In the beginning of this year, my heart was set for KK... but towards the 3rd quarter of the year, I was thinking that I would rather do my housemanship in Kuching.... but for the past 2 months or so, I'm having strong feelings about going to KK... so I really don't know....

I guess I just need something to keep me here or something to draw me to KK... whichever.... I hope God would show me a sign to help me make that critical decision....

As it is now, my true motivation for KK is INDEPENDENCE, and of course I want to lose weight and be fit.... and when I come home everyone would go "Wow..."

Ok, I meleret too much already today... lots of work tonight... trigger and case presentation for psychiatry tomorrow.

Cheers!

Keeping up

I'm truly one of those nerds who swear by the imperativeness of the internet, at least in the context of my medical studies. I find that I never ever could finish one book before getting outdated by the internet. I just bought my 2-volume Harrison's Internal Medicine slightly more than 2 months ago, and today I was told that the information on a certain topic in it was already outdated. Frustrated, yes. I was revising a topic this afternoon and realized that what I've just begun to grasp (a concept, I mean...) have already been revamped, and now I have to get acquinted to the new "approach"... I imagine by the time I get used to this new one, another may just beat me to it again...

That's the nature of what I've pledged my life to do...

I spent close to 4 hours online today just to revise for my little clinical assessment tomorrow with the King of Confabulation. In moments like these, the traditional books seem lacklustre. I love the colours and the animations and the varieties that the internet offers. I guess the only disadvantage is that it lacks strructure, and there's always the risk of unreliable sources....

Anyways, don't want to bore everyone, except that my point is that I know I can't live without the internet. Period. I know you can chuck me in deep jungles or isolate me in a desserted island, but give me internet access, and I'm sure I can survive quite long.

A colleague of mine from another posting and I were chatting over late lunch about our medical studies... and I realized that with the "approach" my faculty has adopted.... "self-directed learning"... we spend a lot of time on our own, learning and making mistakes along the way.... to put it very crudely, they place a tremendous trust on us to make ourselves into competent doctors... they just chuck us in the wards, keep their fingers crossed, give us some exams, and hope and pray that we turn out ok at the end of our final year.... 5 years....

But I'm not sure whether that's adequate.... I'm sure we would eventually all "get it"... but how the hell they know that 5 years is the cut off point for competency?

I know I should spend all this pondering times for my revision, but I can't help feeling anxious and weary... I can't help wandering whether I should be allowed to handle people's lives in 6 months time.... it's sooo daunting.

Ok, that's just what I usually think about in the midst of the hustle and bustle of my studies...

Wish me luck!

My "last" Christmas

My Christmas hardly turned out the way I imagined it to be.... not better or worse, just different, and I loved the unexpected twist...

Before that, let's observe a moment of silence in rememberance for the victims of the Boxing Day Tsunami last year...

*silence*

Next agenda.... thank you guys for all your Christmas wishes and cards! I thought we've grown out of all, but I really, really appreciate all of it.... it's really always the thought that counts. :) *touched*

Christmas Eve was amazing... locked up my lazy bone in the closet and spent the whole day in the kitchen to prepare for dinner... and everything turned out sooo pretty and delicious... so that's really something.... I was expecting a lacklustre dinner because I just didn't envision anything that might be different.... won't trade it for any other way.

Unlike my planning from last Christmas, I didn't make it to Midnight mass this year, went for evening mass on Christmas day itself... almost didn't make to church because I wanted to visit Hema, but mum made such a fuss about it, so I gave up, and eventually attended, eventhough I felt unprepared and unworthy... but I secretly and quietly thank my mum for nagging me yesterday...

Then after mass I suddenly thought about Geryl, who said that he would be spending his Christmas evening in the hospital with his aunt and uncle, and some of his newfound friends...so gave him a call, and we spent the whole evening over coffee and catching up with all our stories.... thanks pal! Really appreciate your company! :)

Then today, for the first in the 5 years that I've known Hema, I finally made my way to her house for a little Christmas visiting.... met all her doggies! Love Kitikia the most, with her BIG, really guli-looking eyes, and a bursting waistline! Hahaha! So cute! Managed to chit-chat with my dear Mun Foo on the way to Hema's place some more, eventhough not as much words as I like were exchanged between us... muhahaha! It's always so frustrating to talk to him. I wish he was a little more exciting, and teeny-weeny more interesting, but I can tell that he's trying.... he's come a long way since the first time I spoke to him in 1st year. I wish him all the best in his future undertakings. He's such a truly nice guy.

Then York Tien was telling me about his group's plan of traveling around China after our professional exam... no wonder I only heard rumours here and there about it... it's become a "couple" trip, York Tien with his gf, Chiun Pheng with his gf, Kwek Foong with his gf, etc.... so that's why I wasn't invited.... but that's ok... I'm not into China.... if I have the means, I would love to go to South Africa for Safari!!!! I actually went asking about it couple of months back, but it's too expensive, so it's not in my immediate plan... maybe after working for a while, and hopefully find someone who may share the same passion for wildlife, I may just make that "dream" trip to a Safari....

Everything may sound mundane, but I guess it's really a great Christmas because I didn't expect much to begin with, but that doesn't mean that I'm less grateful... I'll always remember this "last" Christmas... next year everything will be different....

Now I'm looking forward to 2006... Geryl was asking me about any new year resolutions... and it's funny because I realized I didn't have any! So talk about being a no-life! Haha! And I don't remember what my resolutions from last year were... but I remember making them at the end of 2004... :)

Maybe no new year resolutions, but many, many, many things to thank God for:

• The gift of life
• A restless and doubtful heart and a pondering mind, without which I would not have been able to mantain my sanity
• A family, perfect or not
• Great, great friends, constant or not
• Life experiences, both good and bad ones
• The craziness of my everyday being and life, without which I would not have been as strong

And for the new year resolutions, I have to sleep on it tonight...

Then tomorrow I have to return to the craziness that is my life.

Merry Christmas everybody!

Been sooo busy since after class yesterday, but I'm glad... it sort of bring out that spirit of Christmas for me... I was worried that I might not enjoy this Christmas... but everything has turned out well. Thank God! My cuticles are all dry and pointy and pricky because of the excessive detergent and water from preparing the Christmas eve dinner. Having 2 of my bachelor uncles over and also my sis' old new boyfriend.

Anyways, may this Christmas mean soemthing special to each and everyone of you out there... in whatever way you want it, and in however way you wish it, that's important. God bless!

Coughing my life out

My cough's not getting any better... and it's a "stigma".... I find myself having to explain myself and the nature of my coughing everything I have a horrible bout of very frightening cough... being around medical student colleagues doesn't make it better....

"Oh you having a viral prodrome?"

I'm like "Huh?" They are expecting something worse to happen to me?

"Avian flu!"

Stupid boy.

And of course the frequent having to leave the class half-way to cough in a more private place... because it sounds like a chesty cough... and because I can't exhale fully, because if I do, I'll cough some more.... and because of the lack of optimal inhalation, I feel quite hypoxic.... and the result is a throbbing headache, just like the once I had with my caffeine withdrawal.

Last night the little Christmas gathering at my aunt's was kinda of a disaster for me because of the smoking... I coughed so hard and I had to ask to leave at 9pm... I would have died at the party if my aprents decided to stay for another hour.... I told them I shouldn't have gone for the party... and because of me they had to leave early, but they didn't mind...

Oh ya, I know this is hardly the place to announce this sort of thing, but since it's such a relief to me... I must. That time of the month has arrived.... *relieved*.... after the tense 2-week delay.... I was even thinking my hormones may have gotten screwed up for sure.... thank God.

But I think my endometrium should be pretty thick because of the 2-week delay, so I'm expecting torrent. Everytime I cough, I feel a gush.

I'm happy and sad at the same time? Possible? Yes, I have multiple personality.

I'm happy because:

• Christmas is in 2 days time!
• My period's finally here.... phew.... meaning I'm not pregnant and I don't have a hormonal problem....
• Long weekend ahead!
• My tattoo looked the nicest during a show-off session with all my cousins last night during the Christmas get-together! It was judged by my another cousin, who's the artist himself!

I'm sad because:

• Next week I have mid-posting assessment! With none other than the King of Confabulation (I shouldn't take all the credits... I quote this from Chee Shee) Dr. Ye, who happens to be the King of Short-term Memory (this time the credit is mine....so I deduced he's depressed or frustrated....)
• My Medicine posting drawing to an end and I'm still very, very blur
• My coughing is causing me to cough my life out of my body

Ok, need to stop here now.... have to study a little for tomorrow's bedside teaching with Dr. Pubalan, who's also taking the class for a lecture in the afternoon.... DERMATOLOGY! Have to brush up...

*cough* *cough*

What a horrible night! Didn't get even an hour of undisturbed sleep... my cough's driving me nuts! I think it started on Sunday or Monday... I suspect the dust from cleaning my room got to me... but anyways, it's getting worse ever since. It's a dry cough, and it's precipitated by an intense itch at the back of my throat. Then also associated with watery eyes... I was coughing this most horrendous cough in the male ward yesterday, which was very embarrasing... all the patients looking at me... kept on ingesting lots and lots of water to try to reduce the itching... and I'm worried too (hope not too prematurely)... a collegue of mine in the same group is coughing for the past 4 months and now is in the process of geting investigated for TB... so I'm quite disturbed... so I'm just keeping my fingers crossed..

But I think it's more of allergy in nature... my dad walked pass behind me with his strong muscle relaxant stinging odour, I coughed.... my sis walked pass with her very strong parfume, also I coughed.... shit...

*cough*

I'm going to my GP this morning, have to get something for the cough (I'm coughing so hard that it's giving me chest pain!) and also an MC for today.... I can't be in the wards today.... luckily I only ahve a bedside teaching with Dr. Ye, so no loss on my part... and afternoon no class, so should be ok...

Bye! *cough*

We are all malingerers

Saw an interesting case in the ward today, a 30-year-old male construction worker, no history of medical illness presented with 1-day history of left-sided upper and lower limb weakness... on examination, he had normal tone and reflexes but his power was 4/5 in both his left upper and lower limbs. He also had glove-and-stoking sensory loss. Baffled the clinicians as well... but I really hated Dr. Fred for immediately labeling the poor man as a "malingerer". He seemed very uncomfortable in the ward... why would he want to malinger, and prolong his stay in the hospital? Dr. Fred is malingering as a doctor.

I really don't know why I volunteered to present on antibiotics for tomorrow. *stupid* It was a result of my reaction towards my poor colleagues who had to present HIV, TB, Candidiasis, Dengue fever, Malaria, Leptospirosis, etc.... all in 2 hours! Stupid Dr. Ye... one of them have to present something on HIV (which is A LOT!) and also the antibiotic thingy.... so I immediately, as a spinal cord reaction, volunteered to present instead. So stupid. But I'm planning to keep it for next week... I don't care... I'll just tell Dr. Ye that it's too much for one afternoon, better save it for another session... I'm sure my colleagues would thank me for it.

Something that is peculiar to me happen this evening... I received a sms informing about a certain Dr who wanted to meet all the "chinese students"... I was half-hearted to go because I've always been uncomfortable with this racial segregation thingy.... It had the same aura as when a "Malay lecturer" giving "extra classes" to "Malay students"... the same aura.... but I went because I have to see that Dr quite often because of my posting. So I walked from my house to the faculty and met him in the library with my other "chinese" colleagues... he gave us each a pen and a Christmas cum invitation card to his church for Christmas service...

Liked the pen... but I really felt that I shouldn't have gone... it's meaningless.... he didn't even make eye contact or make any conversation with some of us.... he was chatting away with one or 2 students... it's not envy you know, it's just very silly and uncomfortable... it's like I'm getting the pen and the card because I happened to be there.

But I'm giving him the benefit of doubt that he's really sincere...

Let me quote Connie's favourite word... cynical.... Am I being cynical?

From my angle right now, looking at the whole scenario, I should be happy that I got a free pen. :)

Ok, that's settle.... at least I got a great workout! House-to-faculty, and back! Each way took me about 15-20mins depending on the traffic, because it's pretty hard to cross the road with a heavy jam.... but I think it lack cardio workout... wasn't brisk enough to optimize my heart rate... and I'm starting some abdominal crunches daily... about 100 a day. Hope I can keep this up.

Then I met another colleague who said that he liked my "diary" on the internet.... meaning my blog la.... that's funny too... this is in no way a diary... by definition, yes... but, based on what I'm capable of writing, I'd rather not have my blog as my "diary"... too dangerous... :)

Tonigh have to cover "basics". I can't keep anything down. I was great with ECG on my first week... now I can't remember much.... was quite well-versed with infectious topics the other day, now I can't remember shit... so back to basics tonight.... oh ya, can't remember JVP waves too this morning.... *sigh*

What the hell I'm doing.... where's the leak?

Then heard from an old friend last weekend, whom I think is living in a winter wonderland, and he's making me nauseous... and my gut feeling tells me to "ignore" him and let him do whatever he wants as long as he doesn't ask me for my opinion or ask me what to do... does that make me a lousy friend? Because I would probably make him disturbed with my opinion, so isn't it a "friendlier" thing to do by ignoring him? At least that helps me to maintain any ounce of respect left that I have for him.

Ok, enough for now... have to malinger tonight as a good student.

Bonne nuit!

Train of thoughts

• Had my traditional movie marathon! Super! CSIs, Numb3rs, House, Crime Stories...
• Girls' night out with Jo, Jane, Sue and Min! Love the Midin salad at Bla, bla, bla...
• Cleaned and refurbished my room! *beaming* It's a milestone...
• Change beddings
• Slept in Saturday and Sunday mornings with my doggie.... she kept me warm...
• Ate like a pig... so no surprise that my abdominal circumference is still the same
• DIDN'T GO TO THE HOSPITAL! So proud of myself....
• Study? Bits and pieces here and there...
• Didn't have a single cup of coffee the whole weekend! Yipee! But I think tonight I might need a cup to aid in my study effort
• Hey, did we get the accreditation?

The guardian angel on my right shoulder and the stunted devil on my left

I had a very interesting encounter with Dr. Padmini yesterday. We bumped into each other in the elevator as I was returning the LCD and laptop at Level 3.

"Hello Sharon!" she beat me to it you know... she's very sharp for her age. And also I was very tired after the marathon day of lecture, and also very frustrated thinking about what my colleagues must have to go through in the hospital with Dr. Annuar (which I wasn't attending, and was afraid that he might lash out at them because of my absence...)

Will get to that later...

About Dr. Padmini... so she looked very happy to see me, and she said, "Are you free? I have been wanting to talk to you..."

My heart skipped a beat. Is it my results? I flunked ke?

"Yes, I'm free... I just have to return the LCD and laptop to Level 3."

"Please come and see me at Level 9..."

I felt a lump in my throat...

"Ok." I answered weakly... also because we were sharing the elevator ride with some 5 strangers...

I quickly returned the equipments and hastened my steps and made myself to Level 9... she wasn't there.... so I paced around until another lecturer saw me and asked me to sit down at the sofa in front of the entrance...

So I sat and took out a book to read...

Less than 2 minutes later, Dr. Padmini emerged from the corridor of the elevator and walked towards me... I nod and gave her weak smile... I suddenly experienced palpitations.

So we made our way into her office and...

-------
Ok, I better cut the story short....
-------

She asked, "So Sharon, what do you plan to do after your housemanship?"

I was taken aback a little. *puzzled*

"Umm... I can't say right now...."

"Oh I see..." She responded... "I thought you were set on doing Forensic Pathology... I saw your poster and also talked to some lecturers and I had the impression that you were really interested to do Forensic Pathology...."

"Oh I am interested, but I'm not sure if that's what I really want to do for the rest of my life..."

She looked relieved...

"In this field you don't get to see live people very much, and you tend to see the dark side of life... I was thinking that would be a waste... so I must tell you that you have good people skills..."

"It would be quite waste..."

Then she explained about how she thought that I would be more of an asset in the other fields, but stressed that she wasn't giving me any pressure.... but just to tell me of my "strength" and that I should think properly and thoroughly about going into Forensic... but of course if in the end I'm interested in it, by all means..."

I was very surprised and speechless and at the same time I was very touched, touched that someone cared, cared enough to spend her time to tell this to a nothing student like me....

"Actually Dr. Padmini, I would say Forensic is my second choice.... I'm actually more interested in Paediatrics.... but..."

"Oh, it doesn't matter whether it's surgery or paediatric or internal medicine... I'm very sure you'll do well in them..." she responded and waited for my reaction...

"But, but, I'm not good enough... I can't remember the things that I've read, and really I don't have very good results..."

"No, no, don't worry about that... it's because now as a student you have so much to cover, so much to know... of course it's difficult to remember everything... once you focus on something later, I'm sure you can do well... It's not about just getting the highest in MCQ or OSCE or things like that...."

Wow, that was really something... I couldn't believe that I was having that conversation with Dr. Padmini.... it's like she's Godsend... an answer to my prayers for some sign that I'm alright, that I'll survive my final months before I embark to another very challenging chapter of my life...

I guess the content of the conversation wasn't the essential thing for me.... it's just the thought that someone cared and of course, AFFIRMATION...

How could I have forgotton that.... it's been only about 2 months...

I really don't give a damn what I do next time... I just want to be happy, not to feel crappy all the time and die too young (but of course don't live long enough to get some form of cancer....)

Anyways...

I was actually looking forward to my weekend except that tomorrow my group's ORDERED to go to the wards to do catwalks.

I'm very tempted not to go actually because I still have 5 immunities! :)... the mother fucker didn't turn up yesterday evening, to the dismay and relief of my groupmates... dismay because they were super tired and waited like idiots in the ward for him, and he didn't even make any eye contact with them when he make a transient appearance in the ward.

All this cat-and-mouse game is quite stressful for me.... killing my brain cells and my menses is 1 week late! And my abdomen is feeling so bloated...

Yes, I admit part of my frustration have a causal association with PMS.

But it's fine.... I have control over my actions...

Enough for tonight... happy weekend!

Musings

What a hectic day. Non-stop class 8.30am-4.30pm! And what do I gain from it all? Disproportionately inadequate. I only gain more pimples, resentment, more unwanted revelation about the people around (which I don't care to elaborate).

And Dr. Annuar even made my group go back to the hospital after the class, which I didn't go because I didn't bring my labcoat and all my "equipments"... and besides I didn't see the point because he wanted us to present all the cases in the ward, which we couldn't clerk today because of the marathon classes.

"I don't care. You guys should have clerk the patients 5am this morning." he said.

But I didn't go. :) 1 down. Nevermind. 4 more to go. Muahahhaha!

And he's making us come this weekend. Shit. Tough luck for my group. We also "kena" the last time he "realized" that he was a lecturer. But of course I'm not planning to go on Sunday. Nevermind, 3 more to go. :)

Then he also said the next group has to go during Christmas and New Year. It's just so convenient for him to pick this time around to exert his Bruce Almighty power on us. Where was he the past 4 weeks MIA?

He said we "can't" go then we shouldn't be doctors.

I agree. But I don't agree that doctors should be stupid. If he teaches, and answers our questions during his "ward round"... then it's fine, really... but what did he do the last time.... we followed him like chicks.... didn't even teach.... then when we asked him questions, he said we should ask some other specialists, or read it up ourselves...

We read, I tell you, we really read, but some things are best explained by a lecturer or at least a proper clinician...

Anyways, regarding the willingness to work on Christmas and New Year, I have no problem, I know what I'm up for when I took this course... but we are not stupid. I don't think I'm delusional. When I'm actually working, I'll know my priorities.

Let's see, what else struck me today... yes, in spite today being the dateline for case write-up, only 16 out of 28 students submitted their write-ups.... I really don't understand their mentality.... I think they're just abusing Dr. Thomas' niceness... imagine if it's Dr. Mra's who's receiving the write-ups... I'm sure all 28 would have reached me today.

*disturbed*

And they had like 4 weeks to write it? *puzzled*

This morning I enjoyed Dr. William's pharmacology class very much... he chose a real psychiatry case with an extensive history of polypharmacy... so we discussed each drug one-by-one... I thought I learnt a lot and it's great revision.

Yeah, I thought that was the best class today... and Dr. Thomas' class a bit "sedating". :)

I was supposed to go to the wards tonight but decided against it because the ward's usually crowded with patients' relatives... so have decided instead to make it tomorrow early morning... maybe 6.45am? Too ambitious? I'll see.

Now I'm reading up on some haematological disorders because we're getting Prof. Henry tomorrow morning for bedside teaching.... and coincidentally, tomorrow's IDA is on Anaemia, I think. So that's great.

Lastly, what's the big deal about the naked ear-squatting issue? If it's just ear-squatting, it wouldn't be so much of an issue.... it's the NAKED part that's getting everybody excited.

Bonne nuit!

We are all robots

I'm trying to finish the last few sentences of my case write-up which is due tomorrow... but now kinda bored and tired, so decided for a little rest.

Walked home today again. I'm still not losing weight. I abdominal circumference has not come down... I'm only feeling my thigh and calf muscles toning up. I don't think I eat more than what an average person eats a day... so I'm pretty bummed that I'm overweight... it's not healthy. I don't want to die of heart attack. I won't mind to die of a motor vehicle accident or some other freak accidents, but not heart attack.... please... people will saying "She deserves it... look at her size..."

And yes, I have problem talking to people with diabetes and hypertension... how can I advise them without sounding (and looking!) like a bad example?

*sigh*

Anyways...

So what's new?

Tookie William's dead. Some journalist got bombed and now treated like a martyr, for his anti-something stand... how can someone be an anti-something and be a martyr? If we live long enough, we may get aluminium toxicity from our water.

Tomorrow is literally a long day. Literally. Psychiatry 8-12.30, Dr. Annuar's session 12.30-God knows when, 2-4pm will Dr. Thomas' class. And already I feel very tired of the prospect of tomorrow.

I still can't remember shit from whatever I've studied for the past 1 month. Crap. That's not new.

Why... nevermind.... We are all robots. Either you learn to assume the robotic form or you resist and whin, like me.

Good night.

Capital punishment

Good morning!

I'm staying home today to finish up with my case write-up which is due this Thursday and also to catch up with some studies. After there are no formal classes today, and I'm willing to take the chance of skipping any Dr. Annuar's lashing... after the all, what's the odds of him turning up? He didn't turn up even once during my 2-week rotation during the begining of my posting.

Besides he stupidly said that if we miss 5 of his sessions, then we can forget sitting for our exam end of posting exam. Stupid man.... who's going to miss 5 of his sessions... like he's giving even 3 sessions.

*duh*

Anyways, logged on this morning just to check the headlines... greeted by "Gang Leader Sets to Die as Appeals Fail", referring to Stanley Tookie Williams who's set to be executed by tomorrow. He was a founder of a notorious and violent gang called the Crips and was convicted and sentenced to death for a few brutal murders more than 20 years ago.

The catch is, over the last 20+ years, he's apparently turned his life around, and has wrote many books for young people about the sins of gangsterism, apparently reaching out to many gang members who's contemplating to quit their gangs and also deterring many youngster from joining any gangs. And he's been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize 5 times! So he must have done something quite amazing.

So the state of California is now in a dilemma. But this morning, the Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, denied his appeal for clemency, citing his lack of remorse for his crimes.

News like this always catches my attention because I don't have stand on capital punishment. I would and I won't. I'm for and I'm against. It depends...

But can we function that way? Why are we forced to take side? I thought being complex beings, we have to make complex analysis of complex situations like that.

Is there place for redemption? Try reading the accounts of the families of the murdered victims, their pain, the scar...

But Tookie's death wouldn't bring the victims back to life.... "But it would bring us closure" said one of the victims ailing mother....

"Tookie's a changed man. He'll do more good alive than dead" An advocate said.

At this point, this is my thought of the issue....

What Tookie has done for the last 20 years may all be well and good. But he didn't pay for his impulsiveness and his cruelty when he gunned down a 26-year-old father working in a convenience store and he has not admitted guilt (despite overwhelming evidence against him) of the slaying of a Vietnamese family for $100. He never did pay for his senselessness.

The least he could do is to give that closure so yearned by the families of his victims. If he's set on making a difference, and I'm sure his execution would send a message to those thinking of joining gangs.

The hard truth is, no one's indispensible.

In the end, we'll all be judged by the highest authority.

Let me explain myself

A couple of weeks ago, during liaison psychiatry, my Dean, the Pychiatrist was answering a question by a colleague of mine about Type A personality. He gave this example to illustrate his answer:

"Imagine yourself bumping into a lecturer down the hall... you greet him, but he doesn't greet back, or worse, look at you and show no acknowledgement whatsoever..."

"A person with Type A personality would feel very offended, very hurt even... may even wonder what he or she might have done to receive that treatment..."

"But a non-Type A personality would think that the lecturer may have been too busy or too preoccupied to respond as they cross path... so no big deal... and forgets about it..."

*disturbed*

By his description, I'm pure breed Type A.

I'm constantly preoccupied with doing stuff for other people, and I fool myself that I'm doing stuff for myself, for my own good, and for the good of all.

I need to strike a balance, I need to be more selfish.

Today I was very disturbed (it spoiled my whole afternoon)... I had a little confrontation with Mr. Gopal, the proprietor of an Indian food outlet just outside my faculty...

Let me summarize the whole thing first... he's very double standard... he serves students with less food, less courtesy, but of course the same charge, and he's also very dumb. He can't count simple arithmetic with the help of a simple calculator. But he's a towering of a man, and very crude, with an alcoholic facies.

First he made us wait for a long time before taking our order for the food, and also skipped us for other "working" people (doctors, and posher-looking people) to take orders for our drinks (my friends and I)...

So when he finally came to my table, and pretended to "scold" his workers for not taking our drink orders... so I couldn't stand his attitude and snapped, "It's about time somebody took our orders!" The words didn't reflect my true dissatisfaction, but I'm sure my tone and my facial expression said it all...

He retorted, "What's your problem?"

I glared at him, and I could see his eyes bloodshot... and I remembered Raj telling me that it was rumoured that a few of his workers quit their job because he or his wife hit them.

*shit*

But he suddenly remembered that I was customer (he inhaled more deeply) and he rephrased, "What do you want?" But there was scorn in his voice.

Then my colleague sitting next to me looked a bit worried, so I didn't want to stress her any further, so I just acted as if nothing was happening and placed my order (at the back of my mind I praying that he would not spit into my drink).

I felt victorious, but it was short-lived... I felt that I didn't get him enough... and that bothered me the whole afternoon.

*shit*

What's for sure is that I won't go for anymore meals there. The question now remains is whether I would "spread" this around and rally support to boycott the food outlet. I know Raj and his other friends have already been doing it for quite a while... they have valid reasons...

If someone really deserves a certain treatment, isn't it as simple as they simply deserve it?

Cheers!

Could I have Type A personality?

Came across this while surfing just now... will explain later why it caught my attention....

What is the type A personality, fundamentally?
Two personality types were developed by the psychological profession in order to define people’s behaviors. Each of these two types has a set of criteria by which those who belong to one type or the other are discovered. These types are type A, the strict and rigid, perfectionistic type and type B, the relaxed individual’s personality type. The type A personality is a very flat personality, very strict. Fundamentally this personality grows out of having had to earn acceptance rather than being bestowed with it unconditionally. This person as a child was probably given conditional love, had a role model who was raised on conditional love or both. There was a standard to be met and if it was met there was acceptance and reward; if the standard wasn’t met then there was neither reward nor acceptance.

Ouch. Flat personality? That's a bummer... strict and rigid I admit. But flat personality... I don't think so... About unconditionately love, I'm not sure... I don't think my parents consciously set any standard, but I make the standard myself... Perfectionist? Used to be until it drained me to the max... it's hard maintaining it...

Type A folks have major issues around three key areas: time, money and dirt.

Type A’s and Issues surrounding time.
Type A people have limitless problems with time. Type A’s need to be on time, they need to avoid running out of time, they need to have a watch or clock handy so they can measure time, they invest time, measure the value of time spent and time left available. These folks have issues with deadlines, as they are restricting, yet they feel they must have them and they must be met. Time is a tool for measuring and a means of limiting, confining and defining. As such, time is important to someone who has always had to meet standards and deadlines for acceptance.

I know I'm good at meeting datelines... there's always a sense of responsibility... a sense that I shouldn't be letting anyone down, that everyone has their part in this life cycle... I would be terribly irresponsible and hated and loathed if I don't execute my responsibility properly...

Issues with money.
Type A people have esteem issues, as they don’t base their value on solid ground but rather on meeting standards. As such, rather than by their inherent value as people, they value themselves and what they do by money. What’s it worth, what did it cost, how much do they earn, have and spend? They spend or give money as a way of showing love or affection. It is their empowerment and security. In relationships there is a medium of exchange and of acceptance with others and it is money.

It's hard to admit, but I'm materialistic... I don't exactly go around day-dreaming about owning a mansion or a luxury car (worse... I want nice clothes, nice shoes, the expensive stethoscope, etc.) but I know I'll die if I'm poor...

Issues with dirt.
As the type A individual is perfectionist and of low self esteem they don’t want to have any association with dirt. Getting dirty makes them feel cheap and worthless. They need neat surroundings.

Not an issue for me... I'm not particularly neat... my room's a mess! :)

Remission.
Something like remission or over compensation can occur in which the type A personality may swing to the extreme opposite to cope. They may give away money to show they can, get dirty or do dirty jobs to confront their fears and may throw caution about time to the wind to set themselves free. Still you can see that they still are tied heavily to these issues.

Guilty.

Emotions.
Type A personalities may deny emotion or not know they have any. They may feel guilty for having or showing emotions as this would take them away from the source of real value for them which is to meet standards like a perfectly performing machine.

It depends on the scenario... I always think of myself as very rich with emotion... and I can't stand people who are lacking in this area. To me they are very dumb, and I get very irritated with them because after every conversation, they make me feel like a fool... pouring my hearts out and they sit there looking stupoid. SOOO... I'm definitely not Type A in this aspect.

Time for myself

I guess some good came out of my very unproductive weekend.

I think I spent more than 10 hours of sinful couch-potatoing this whole weekend, but no regrets really... I don't have that heavy feeling that I always feel on Sunday nights, that feeling of uncertainty and some degree of fear for what's in store for me in the week ahead. I guess I got a good rest.

Jo called and asked me out for shopping, but I have to decline because my Sunday evenings are reserved for some self-psychotherapy and for tying up some loose ends from the previous week. So sorry Jo, but looking forward to this Friday!

Didn't do a whole lot of studying this weekend... decided not to go to the Christmas dinner too... not really bummed about it... but I do miss the laughter and singing... but I felt that I didn't really want to face people who's are not really my close friends. I felt that it would be too taxing and draining.

I had a great deal of fun surfing the net today... read-up on the life of John Lennon... co-lour-FUL! I wonder what it would be like to be his lover? :)

The I was reading about Richard Pryor, who passed away yesterday... didn't know about him until his death... one very dark character despite being a stand-up comedian... let's see if I get this correct... from what I've gathered, his legacy is his success of making pain into comedy.... way cool...

Then after that I was trying to read some online journals, but decided that they were way boring, so I switched to drooling over some of my favourite men... too many to name, but Ralph Fiennes, George Clooney and Hugh Jackman are my favourite favourite. They are really some high-end anatomy. :)

I love Fiennes' upper lip; thin, basic but absolutely sexy!

I love the wrinkles around Clooney's eyes when he smiles... *melt*

I love the creases on Jackman's forehead when he frowns (and his gorgeous body too lar...).... so intense....

*dreamy* <=== Silly girl.

Great weekend... can't wait for next weekend... until then I have to change into my medical student-with-a-purpose mode.

Cheers!

Hugh Jackman: Object of my fascination

George Clooney: Object of my fascination

Panda dog

*sigh*

I feel "uninspired" these couple of days.... I'm that type of person who usually tries to find any form of inspiration from anything at all around me, because I live and thrive by it... I've come to believe that God speaks to us not from his words in the bible (they are so out of date, and the English too pompous for my simple English), but from the things that happen around me and also definitely from the people I come in contact with everyday.

But I'm just not feeling much these couple of days...

Maybe what my colleague was trying to tell me is true... I need some form of psychotherapy.

I feel uninspired to study, uninspired by my novels (which had never failed to inspire me no matter how irrelevant the stories are to my current life situation), uninspired to pray, uninspired to keep in touch with my friends, uninspired by everything that used to make me so passionate...

I find myself floating, disorientated, my sight for the future seems a bit out of focus, it's still there, just not as bright and vibrant as before.

*sigh*

Have to stop here... going to mass... *sigh*.... whatever for.

How about me?

Today I crossed path with 2 of the most grandiose and self-applause people that I've met in my life; Dr. Annuar and Josh Beh.

They don't really bother me but I really felt amazed at how insightless and how they go on and on and on about how stupid everyone is except themselves... no regards for authority, no respect even for people.... their world revolve around themselves.... (I'm so scarred to imagine that the 2 of them share the same planet by themselves!)

I was even trying to "counsel" Josh a little these couple of days, but he was soooo resistant... so I felt that I've done my "Christian" duty (I really feel disturbed using the "Christian" word, hence the inverted commas).... I tried to see whatever ounce of goodness that he may have in him... but he just refused to show them, to even be logical....

He just went on and on about stupid people doing stupid thing trying to stupidly frame him or something.... I think he's delusional as well....

To Dr. Annuar, everyone doesn't know what they are talking about.... only HE sees the whole picture... he has his points and he has his strengths, I admit, but he doesn't have the humility to actually put his intellect to good use.... he rather use coercion and despotism.... I don't really feel that he has any of the student's interest at heart.... he's not nurturing nor guiding... he doesn't hope for the best for the students....

He's just very sure that we'll all make lousy doctors...

I really feel that God is challenging me with something... He wants me to question Him about why some people get away with certain things...

How about me?

Anyways, like I say, they don't really bother me that much, but I guess this is for the record... :).... once I write something down in my blog, once I publish it.... it's chapter close and forgotten.

Oh ya, our paeds results are postpone again.... anyways, my mentor's out of town on a course or something...

Tomorrow, we're all having a special meeting with the dean regarding the accreditation team that's coming next week... really don't see any reason to go... I'm quite fed-up with the faculty...

Bonne nuit!

One of those lacklustre days

I spent my whole day in the faculty today, didn't go to the wards... but no regrets la, caught up with some studies, which I was very happy about... I gave up last night and dozed off around 11+, so felt a bit guilty/disturbed when I woke up this morning, so that's why I decided to just dedicate my whole morning to my Harrison's... so now we're quite acquinted....

But tomorrow no escape, I have bedside teaching with Dr. Clare, the nephrologist.... so tonight I have to read a little on nephrology.... but of course I'll stop for 1 hour for House... :)

I have to get in touch with my mentor tomorrow... I heard our paeds results are out. Wish me luck!

This weekend is the Camp OneWay follow-up session and also the Christmas dinner! I really don't know whether I'll be able to find the mood for any socializing.... so I'm not sure whether I want to go.... May have to clerk patients on Sunday evening.... I'll see what happens....

A BIG HELLO TO GERYL! :) Thanks for the sms yesterday! Take care!

Cheers!

Ralph Fiennes: Object of my fascination

Inappropriately happy

A colleague from another posting (my whole class is divided into 4 postings... Medicine, Surgery, O&G and Paediatrics) commented that there wasn't much joy in meeting each other anymore... you know what? He's very right.... in fact very profound for someone I've never known to have any much EQ... so when I thought back on the events of today and the people I met and all, I was delightfully surprised by his sudden profoundness, but then when it dawned on me, I was was also very disturbed with the "revelation", the truth, real life....

You see the 4 groups don't get to see each other throughout the year.... so I may not even see some of my coursemates the whole academic year!

And now everyone's feeling very stressed out and maybe a little bit unhappy here and there.... I really want to be unhappy because then I can blame whatever shit on being unhappy, but that's not what's happening... I'm still happy and all... relaxing here and there... catching myself psychoing myself about what's ahead in less than 6 months time.... if I don't make it.... if I make it.... if I don't make it.... if I make it.... things like that....

I thought I would be miserable and all because I had to give up Christmas caroling, and all the other church activites that I was so determined to get myself involved in.... I thought that I would be upset... but my mind's still very focused (maybe my body a bit lazy....) on the things, the immediate things at hand....

But now I know I'm lacking motivation, lacking the competitive spirit that I once had... maybe I've grown out of it... sometimes when I suddenly remisnis, it bothers me just a little bit about why I'm not feeling very motivated....

Have I given up?

Have I lost that sight of what it is I want from my life?

Or am I just plain lazy?

Whatever the reasons may be, I'm sure that I'm feeling still innapropriately happy, I think.... :) Maybe I just want to be wherever the wind brings me. I'm sick and tired of planning and setting goals.... for all I know I may just die tomorrow, and my organs have not even been pledged...

So now back to the most important thing in my life right now.... my books.... *sigh*

A bientot!

Sam was ugly, but adorable!

I couldn't believe it when I saw this on the headlines today.... apparently Sam is quite a celebrity himself.... but sadly he has passed away last month at 14 years old, after his owner euthanized him because he was in heart failure...

He was the undefeated Ugliest Dog for 2004 and 2005.

Honestly, I was a bit frighthened when I saw his picture this morning.... but as I gazed closer and more intently, I could actually see a very lovable doggie in him.... don't ask me how...

May he rest in peace!

My lungs anyone? I don't smoke.

What caught my attention today during the respiratory update was the talk on lung transplantation... I've always had the intention to donate my organs if I happen to die prematurely, but the place that I am in, it's not really feasible... we do have lung transplantations going on in KL.... viability of the lungs is about 4 hours... so logistically, there's a difficulty in getting donor organs to the centre in KL from my place... and I believe the difficulty is the same for recipients residing in Sarawak and Sabah, to make their way to KL... I mean it's possible if one is staying near an airport... imagine living in the interiors of Sarawak.... Anyways, there' really nothing offered here by the hospital, any programme or any forms to pledge my organs, things like that... we are just not there yet...

It's not something cool or trendy... it's really something we ought to think about... many people perish while waiting for potential donors.... what we have here are mostly cadaveric organs... meaning we wait for people to die (from motor vehicle accidents primarily)... and many potential donors still face the difficulty of rejection from family members of the organs being donated. So it's a really very delicate situation.... I've expressed my intentions to my family once... and they were weary because they don't really know what to expect... and I at that time was also not well-versed about the subject... was just being idealistic... but after the talk to day, I'm making it a point to read up more about organ donations... and maybe I could educate my parents about it... and hopefully convince the other people around me to consider putting up their organs for donation when they die....

We should really focus on how our death/loss would mean a life to another person.... so simple to make the decision really... the greatest gift of all... and in regards to our family, mindsets can be changed....

Oh ya, imagine yourself to continue "living" when you die....

Cheers!

Genetically rude

Talks were good, food was good. Not exactly my ideal weekend but I thoroughly feel that my weekend's well spent (instead of being a couch potatoe at home)...:). At least now I have a a better idea what I should be reading up more for my respiratory topics.

I'm actually attending the "Sarawak Respiratory Update" held at Merdeka Palace this weekend.... updates like this are held throughout the year on various topics and whenever I get the chance, I would try to attend...

So now I'm checking out the latest on Avian Influenza and Tuberculosis on the WHO and CDC websites... hopefully tonight I want read-up further on lung cancer and occupational lung diseases.... the links to the websites are on my side panel....

Oh ya, I was very disturbed with the lack of civility shown by the crowd during the talks.... handphones after handphones were ringing.... sms tones after sms tones!!! Honestly... the ballroom was filled with doctors and nurses and other paramedics! And to think they should be more civilized than some chinese taukeh selling kolo mee.... I was both very ashamed and frustrated... and I know some of them actually enjoy their handphones going off.... ring once they quickly cancel the call, and instead of switching it to silent mode, they let it be only to have it go off again, and again, and again....

*puzzled*

Yes, I'm more puzzled than anything else actually.

I think it's just in the blood... no amount of education would ever rectify the mentality. It's too much of their identity to be inherently rude and uncultured.

Cheers!

Death from Sharon's angle

I just got back from my oncall.

A 53-year-old man presented just 4 days ago with unresolved fever, loss of appetite and loss of weight (almost 15kg in 1 month)... all this in about 1 month duration. He was scheduled for a laparatomy for removal of para-aortic lymph nodes in a couple of days. His provisional diagnosis was lymphoma.

He wasn't my patient actually, and I haven't got around to check his case out just yet (there are currently about 60 patients in the ward... so....)... but just now as I was talking a man who came in with right leg swelling with pain after a snake bite.... the busy, but orderly ward and its very business-like staff and patients' relative moving in and out the cubicles... the ward was shattered by the most gut-wrenching wailing and crying and screaming, and the MO-on-call came over to the bed where I was together with a HO and instructed the HO to take the approprite measures as the 53-year was "slipping away"...

The crying and wailing continued....

I made my way to the mentioned patient's bed and saw his family surrounding him, grabbing on to his arms and legs and a lady, who's obviously the man's wife, clasping both her hands on her husband's face, and she was crying, her face tear-stained, and she could hardly catch her breath.

The HO and another nurse wheeled in an ECG machine and tried to persuade the family members to release the frail man... his heart was still beating, but it was too slow, and after about 2 minutes, the lifeline went flat.... asystole (pulseless)... the HO auscultated for heart beat and breath sounds... none spontaneous... shone a torch over his eyes and declared they were unresponsive and dilated.... and she gave a nod to one of the man's family members who looked the most composed and seemed the most in control of the situation... she mouthed silently to the HO... "Gone?".... the HO noded and started to carefully remove the chest pads...

And the informed family member put her arms around the man's wife and squeeze her shoulders and told her that her husband's passed... the wife gasped weakly and started crying again, but his time very somberly, as if she's raised her white flag... a younger female relative fainted and had to be carried by a male cousin out of the ward.

Of course I wasn't affected by the man's passing.... he was very sick... he had a terminal illness..., and I didn't know the poor man... but the problem was I didn't know how to behave in front of the relatives and I avoided eye contact with them... I didn't know how I should appropriately conduct myself in front of the deceased family members... I felt awkward...

It reminded me of my grandma's passing... I didn't feel sad... she had renal failure... and she was 87 years old, lived with diabetes and hypertension for 3 decades... so it wasn't unexpected... but I felt uncomfortable and was afraid I might be disrespectful if I don't show any mourning or something.... so I was disturbed throughout the whole thing....

On a Christian point of view, death should be celebrated in the sense that death represents "going home"... but then again, I don't have that much feeling about that respect...

I just feel that life is not life without death... so to only be recognized as once lived and dwelled on earth, someone has to die first, to put it bluntly.

I'm not afraid that I might die... there's no question of fear of death... it's more the question of how I might die... Of course I want an instant death, painless, non-mutilating to my body, hopefully not in an unnatural way, so that there's no need for an autopsy.

I love to perform post-mortems, but there's never a moment that I don't remind myself that the "body" used to be "someone" who had wanted in life dignity and respect.

Have to stop here. Have to read-up for tomorrow. Bonne nuit.

Dinner, bath, oncall...

I was in the faculty the whole day today because we have formal classes the whole day... we're having the Dean (who's a psychiatrist) for 5 weeks for our liaison psychiatry component for my medical posting, so it's really cool.... instead of asking us to clerk cases and present them, he discusses examples of exam questions and he expands the subject just from one question... and we could discuss almost 2 hours of it without ever any minute paused because of no question to ask. And he's really good at getting everyone to talk.... that's why he's the psychiatrist. :) So I totally enjoyed that in the morning.

The afternoon was also mind-boggling.... Dr. Tang razzled and dazzled the whole class with his panoramic view of cardiology and he's very intelligent approach to the different conditions that may affect the heart... he also gave us so many little hints here and there, tips and the do's and don'ts when we start our housemanship in 6 months time.... so that was great too. I'm really looking forward to his bedside teaching tomorrow 8am... so tonight during my oncall, I'll try to look out for some interesting cases to be discussed with him.

On my way home, I was giving Adeline a ride home, we bumped into Dr. Myint, who took us for paediatric... she took me together with Dr. Chan for my short cases during my exam 3 weeks ago.... so I offered her a ride home too. She commented that she was a bit disappointed with my performance during my short cases... she said I could have done better.... yeah, I know.... I was hoping this wouldn't come up as an issue anymore, but I guess there's something behind everything that happens... is it a reminder for me to do something?

By the way, our paediatric results will not be revealed until after everyone (can you believe some of my colleague refused to submit a feedback form and are now causing the whole group's results to be withheld?) submit the stupid feedback forms.... and some of them have not completed their oncalls.... *sigh*.... my group really go all the way to "irritate" poor Dr. Padmini... a few of them also did not fill in the supervisor's assessment marks... so she had to look up the supervisors themselves to ask for the marks.... can you imagine that?

Got to go now... dinner, bath, oncall.... cheers!

Breakfast entry

I'm quite disturbed. I thought my class was supposed to be 8am... so I figured I'd just skip the "imaginary" 7am ward round with Dr. Annuar (he's yet to show up since last Monday)... so I woke up 7am instead and at exactly 7.28am (I knew something's up because of the proximity of the time to my morning class) my sms tone went off.... class is at 9am instead... what a bummer... I could have gone to the wards at 7 something and joined the male medical ward round.... *sigh*.... the worst part is that I know the person who's passing this news knew about this since yesterday because he/she was called to meet the lecturer yesterday afternoon to arrange some material for the class this morning....

Ah well... so now my phone's beeping once in a couple of minutes with the same message... so I know that the news has just been circulated...

Last night I was revising my ECG... it's pretty hard because my textbook explains certain things a different way... Dr. Tang was mainly teaching from experience, which was much easier to comprehend and follow... so I think I just have parasite (ask him lots and lots of questions) on him this couple of days...

And tomorrow I and another colleague have each present a long case to him... he said he wants to "check out our standard".... at first it sounded really scary and all, but I'm glad it's my turn to present tomorrow... at least he can point out where I stand tomorrow... I'm also curious to know.... because as it is now, I have no clue how I'm doing, what I should be concentrating on, strengths, weaknesses... I need to know... and I feel his not that judgemental.... even if he is, I really don't care that very much anymore... it's been more than 4 years in the faculty.... I'm sure all my "belang-belang" have shown through.

Dr. Tang I believe belong to a group of lecturers who's always talking about who's who (students)... they are always picking out students.... discussing who's the smartest, who's not so bright.... I just realized it yesterday afternoon during his class.... maybe I'll elaborate more next time... I want to read up on psychiatry....

Cheers!