Death from Sharon's angle

I just got back from my oncall.

A 53-year-old man presented just 4 days ago with unresolved fever, loss of appetite and loss of weight (almost 15kg in 1 month)... all this in about 1 month duration. He was scheduled for a laparatomy for removal of para-aortic lymph nodes in a couple of days. His provisional diagnosis was lymphoma.

He wasn't my patient actually, and I haven't got around to check his case out just yet (there are currently about 60 patients in the ward... so....)... but just now as I was talking a man who came in with right leg swelling with pain after a snake bite.... the busy, but orderly ward and its very business-like staff and patients' relative moving in and out the cubicles... the ward was shattered by the most gut-wrenching wailing and crying and screaming, and the MO-on-call came over to the bed where I was together with a HO and instructed the HO to take the approprite measures as the 53-year was "slipping away"...

The crying and wailing continued....

I made my way to the mentioned patient's bed and saw his family surrounding him, grabbing on to his arms and legs and a lady, who's obviously the man's wife, clasping both her hands on her husband's face, and she was crying, her face tear-stained, and she could hardly catch her breath.

The HO and another nurse wheeled in an ECG machine and tried to persuade the family members to release the frail man... his heart was still beating, but it was too slow, and after about 2 minutes, the lifeline went flat.... asystole (pulseless)... the HO auscultated for heart beat and breath sounds... none spontaneous... shone a torch over his eyes and declared they were unresponsive and dilated.... and she gave a nod to one of the man's family members who looked the most composed and seemed the most in control of the situation... she mouthed silently to the HO... "Gone?".... the HO noded and started to carefully remove the chest pads...

And the informed family member put her arms around the man's wife and squeeze her shoulders and told her that her husband's passed... the wife gasped weakly and started crying again, but his time very somberly, as if she's raised her white flag... a younger female relative fainted and had to be carried by a male cousin out of the ward.

Of course I wasn't affected by the man's passing.... he was very sick... he had a terminal illness..., and I didn't know the poor man... but the problem was I didn't know how to behave in front of the relatives and I avoided eye contact with them... I didn't know how I should appropriately conduct myself in front of the deceased family members... I felt awkward...

It reminded me of my grandma's passing... I didn't feel sad... she had renal failure... and she was 87 years old, lived with diabetes and hypertension for 3 decades... so it wasn't unexpected... but I felt uncomfortable and was afraid I might be disrespectful if I don't show any mourning or something.... so I was disturbed throughout the whole thing....

On a Christian point of view, death should be celebrated in the sense that death represents "going home"... but then again, I don't have that much feeling about that respect...

I just feel that life is not life without death... so to only be recognized as once lived and dwelled on earth, someone has to die first, to put it bluntly.

I'm not afraid that I might die... there's no question of fear of death... it's more the question of how I might die... Of course I want an instant death, painless, non-mutilating to my body, hopefully not in an unnatural way, so that there's no need for an autopsy.

I love to perform post-mortems, but there's never a moment that I don't remind myself that the "body" used to be "someone" who had wanted in life dignity and respect.

Have to stop here. Have to read-up for tomorrow. Bonne nuit.