Feeling sadistic

Firstly, I want to welcome Pei Ling to my blog! :) She purposely asked for my blog address this afternoon, after she heard about it from "word of mouth". Hehehe... no problem... the more, the merrier... just always remember that all readers must read at their own risk. :)

There's really nothing here. It's just musing by a bipolar medical student who's hobby is to run down any stupid people and injustices in the world. But I'm not in the same category as Josh Beh, mind you.

For Pei Ling's sake, I'm going to demonstrate a little... for example, I usually blog about anything that may have caught my attention today:

• Pei Ling personally asked for my blog address... that's cute... she heard that it's "interesting" from Chris
• Then Yang said that I write "bad" things about people (direct translation from Mandarin), to which I disagreed... I write "relevant" and "salient" things about people who deserve to be written about
• Then Yang also blew Kai Chin's cover by announcing that he's my No.1 reader...let me quote Yang... (but translated from Mandarin)... "If Sharon starts a newspaper, Kai Chin will be the first one to buy a copy"
• A 1st year juniour approached me to ask me to write a 3-page report on my elective for the faculty's magazine or something like that... she showed me a copy of the last issue... quite nicely done, so at least if I write the report, I won't feel that my story would be published in a yucky magazine or something like that... instead, it would quite an honour... problem now is that it's been like 7months since my elective, the "feeling" has long evaporated I would have to say... but I promise her next week... see lar what I can "goreng" this weekend
• I had my PAKS just now (aka. mid-posting assessment)... not so bad lar after all... I talked and talked and didn't let the King of Confabulation the chance to confabulate, so whatever I get, I feel victorious already... :) muahahaha!!!
• Oh ya, just now after my PAKS around 12.30pm, I was stucked in the parking lot for about 20mins because the stupid and inconsiderate people that parked around me either have lost their stereoscopic view and didn't leave enough space for me to drive my car out of a parking lot, or they just didn't bother how much they would trouble other people... I would love to think the former, but it's most probably the latter, knowing local drivers here.... fortunately, a man (who belongs top the former group) came out of his vehicle to help direct me out of the lot.... he also almost gave up actually, but after a few reversing and forwarding, and also a little bump with the cars in front and at the sides, I finally made it out of the parking lot
• Should I next time park and occupy 2 parking lots to avoid this similar situation again? After all people here also don't appreciate people parking orderly and properly... hmmm...

So Pei Ling, you see... it's just like this... I just write and write about everything and anything whether they are beneficial or not.... nevermind, since you're here, might as well, make use of the links on my page... I highly recommend them... and if you, or anyone else for that mater have any other interesting websites to share... let me know.... I may just link them up....

I wonder whether I would get to blog next time when I start my housemanship? And if I'm in Sabah, I wouldn't have Streamyx like at home... hmmm... that would quite sad actually... I wouldn't have anywhere else to bitch....

Which brings me to my next subject, which I'm not going to elaborate... but I thought I bring it up just to share what it's on my mind a lot recently... I know, I know it's a bit premature, but I still can't decide where I want to do my housemanship... Kuching or KK?? Being the practical person that I am (cheh...) I've listed down the pros and cons.... but I still don't know.... In the beginning of this year, my heart was set for KK... but towards the 3rd quarter of the year, I was thinking that I would rather do my housemanship in Kuching.... but for the past 2 months or so, I'm having strong feelings about going to KK... so I really don't know....

I guess I just need something to keep me here or something to draw me to KK... whichever.... I hope God would show me a sign to help me make that critical decision....

As it is now, my true motivation for KK is INDEPENDENCE, and of course I want to lose weight and be fit.... and when I come home everyone would go "Wow..."

Ok, I meleret too much already today... lots of work tonight... trigger and case presentation for psychiatry tomorrow.

Cheers!

Keeping up

I'm truly one of those nerds who swear by the imperativeness of the internet, at least in the context of my medical studies. I find that I never ever could finish one book before getting outdated by the internet. I just bought my 2-volume Harrison's Internal Medicine slightly more than 2 months ago, and today I was told that the information on a certain topic in it was already outdated. Frustrated, yes. I was revising a topic this afternoon and realized that what I've just begun to grasp (a concept, I mean...) have already been revamped, and now I have to get acquinted to the new "approach"... I imagine by the time I get used to this new one, another may just beat me to it again...

That's the nature of what I've pledged my life to do...

I spent close to 4 hours online today just to revise for my little clinical assessment tomorrow with the King of Confabulation. In moments like these, the traditional books seem lacklustre. I love the colours and the animations and the varieties that the internet offers. I guess the only disadvantage is that it lacks strructure, and there's always the risk of unreliable sources....

Anyways, don't want to bore everyone, except that my point is that I know I can't live without the internet. Period. I know you can chuck me in deep jungles or isolate me in a desserted island, but give me internet access, and I'm sure I can survive quite long.

A colleague of mine from another posting and I were chatting over late lunch about our medical studies... and I realized that with the "approach" my faculty has adopted.... "self-directed learning"... we spend a lot of time on our own, learning and making mistakes along the way.... to put it very crudely, they place a tremendous trust on us to make ourselves into competent doctors... they just chuck us in the wards, keep their fingers crossed, give us some exams, and hope and pray that we turn out ok at the end of our final year.... 5 years....

But I'm not sure whether that's adequate.... I'm sure we would eventually all "get it"... but how the hell they know that 5 years is the cut off point for competency?

I know I should spend all this pondering times for my revision, but I can't help feeling anxious and weary... I can't help wandering whether I should be allowed to handle people's lives in 6 months time.... it's sooo daunting.

Ok, that's just what I usually think about in the midst of the hustle and bustle of my studies...

Wish me luck!

My "last" Christmas

My Christmas hardly turned out the way I imagined it to be.... not better or worse, just different, and I loved the unexpected twist...

Before that, let's observe a moment of silence in rememberance for the victims of the Boxing Day Tsunami last year...

*silence*

Next agenda.... thank you guys for all your Christmas wishes and cards! I thought we've grown out of all, but I really, really appreciate all of it.... it's really always the thought that counts. :) *touched*

Christmas Eve was amazing... locked up my lazy bone in the closet and spent the whole day in the kitchen to prepare for dinner... and everything turned out sooo pretty and delicious... so that's really something.... I was expecting a lacklustre dinner because I just didn't envision anything that might be different.... won't trade it for any other way.

Unlike my planning from last Christmas, I didn't make it to Midnight mass this year, went for evening mass on Christmas day itself... almost didn't make to church because I wanted to visit Hema, but mum made such a fuss about it, so I gave up, and eventually attended, eventhough I felt unprepared and unworthy... but I secretly and quietly thank my mum for nagging me yesterday...

Then after mass I suddenly thought about Geryl, who said that he would be spending his Christmas evening in the hospital with his aunt and uncle, and some of his newfound friends...so gave him a call, and we spent the whole evening over coffee and catching up with all our stories.... thanks pal! Really appreciate your company! :)

Then today, for the first in the 5 years that I've known Hema, I finally made my way to her house for a little Christmas visiting.... met all her doggies! Love Kitikia the most, with her BIG, really guli-looking eyes, and a bursting waistline! Hahaha! So cute! Managed to chit-chat with my dear Mun Foo on the way to Hema's place some more, eventhough not as much words as I like were exchanged between us... muhahaha! It's always so frustrating to talk to him. I wish he was a little more exciting, and teeny-weeny more interesting, but I can tell that he's trying.... he's come a long way since the first time I spoke to him in 1st year. I wish him all the best in his future undertakings. He's such a truly nice guy.

Then York Tien was telling me about his group's plan of traveling around China after our professional exam... no wonder I only heard rumours here and there about it... it's become a "couple" trip, York Tien with his gf, Chiun Pheng with his gf, Kwek Foong with his gf, etc.... so that's why I wasn't invited.... but that's ok... I'm not into China.... if I have the means, I would love to go to South Africa for Safari!!!! I actually went asking about it couple of months back, but it's too expensive, so it's not in my immediate plan... maybe after working for a while, and hopefully find someone who may share the same passion for wildlife, I may just make that "dream" trip to a Safari....

Everything may sound mundane, but I guess it's really a great Christmas because I didn't expect much to begin with, but that doesn't mean that I'm less grateful... I'll always remember this "last" Christmas... next year everything will be different....

Now I'm looking forward to 2006... Geryl was asking me about any new year resolutions... and it's funny because I realized I didn't have any! So talk about being a no-life! Haha! And I don't remember what my resolutions from last year were... but I remember making them at the end of 2004... :)

Maybe no new year resolutions, but many, many, many things to thank God for:

• The gift of life
• A restless and doubtful heart and a pondering mind, without which I would not have been able to mantain my sanity
• A family, perfect or not
• Great, great friends, constant or not
• Life experiences, both good and bad ones
• The craziness of my everyday being and life, without which I would not have been as strong

And for the new year resolutions, I have to sleep on it tonight...

Then tomorrow I have to return to the craziness that is my life.

Merry Christmas everybody!

Been sooo busy since after class yesterday, but I'm glad... it sort of bring out that spirit of Christmas for me... I was worried that I might not enjoy this Christmas... but everything has turned out well. Thank God! My cuticles are all dry and pointy and pricky because of the excessive detergent and water from preparing the Christmas eve dinner. Having 2 of my bachelor uncles over and also my sis' old new boyfriend.

Anyways, may this Christmas mean soemthing special to each and everyone of you out there... in whatever way you want it, and in however way you wish it, that's important. God bless!

Coughing my life out

My cough's not getting any better... and it's a "stigma".... I find myself having to explain myself and the nature of my coughing everything I have a horrible bout of very frightening cough... being around medical student colleagues doesn't make it better....

"Oh you having a viral prodrome?"

I'm like "Huh?" They are expecting something worse to happen to me?

"Avian flu!"

Stupid boy.

And of course the frequent having to leave the class half-way to cough in a more private place... because it sounds like a chesty cough... and because I can't exhale fully, because if I do, I'll cough some more.... and because of the lack of optimal inhalation, I feel quite hypoxic.... and the result is a throbbing headache, just like the once I had with my caffeine withdrawal.

Last night the little Christmas gathering at my aunt's was kinda of a disaster for me because of the smoking... I coughed so hard and I had to ask to leave at 9pm... I would have died at the party if my aprents decided to stay for another hour.... I told them I shouldn't have gone for the party... and because of me they had to leave early, but they didn't mind...

Oh ya, I know this is hardly the place to announce this sort of thing, but since it's such a relief to me... I must. That time of the month has arrived.... *relieved*.... after the tense 2-week delay.... I was even thinking my hormones may have gotten screwed up for sure.... thank God.

But I think my endometrium should be pretty thick because of the 2-week delay, so I'm expecting torrent. Everytime I cough, I feel a gush.

I'm happy and sad at the same time? Possible? Yes, I have multiple personality.

I'm happy because:

• Christmas is in 2 days time!
• My period's finally here.... phew.... meaning I'm not pregnant and I don't have a hormonal problem....
• Long weekend ahead!
• My tattoo looked the nicest during a show-off session with all my cousins last night during the Christmas get-together! It was judged by my another cousin, who's the artist himself!

I'm sad because:

• Next week I have mid-posting assessment! With none other than the King of Confabulation (I shouldn't take all the credits... I quote this from Chee Shee) Dr. Ye, who happens to be the King of Short-term Memory (this time the credit is mine....so I deduced he's depressed or frustrated....)
• My Medicine posting drawing to an end and I'm still very, very blur
• My coughing is causing me to cough my life out of my body

Ok, need to stop here now.... have to study a little for tomorrow's bedside teaching with Dr. Pubalan, who's also taking the class for a lecture in the afternoon.... DERMATOLOGY! Have to brush up...

*cough* *cough*

What a horrible night! Didn't get even an hour of undisturbed sleep... my cough's driving me nuts! I think it started on Sunday or Monday... I suspect the dust from cleaning my room got to me... but anyways, it's getting worse ever since. It's a dry cough, and it's precipitated by an intense itch at the back of my throat. Then also associated with watery eyes... I was coughing this most horrendous cough in the male ward yesterday, which was very embarrasing... all the patients looking at me... kept on ingesting lots and lots of water to try to reduce the itching... and I'm worried too (hope not too prematurely)... a collegue of mine in the same group is coughing for the past 4 months and now is in the process of geting investigated for TB... so I'm quite disturbed... so I'm just keeping my fingers crossed..

But I think it's more of allergy in nature... my dad walked pass behind me with his strong muscle relaxant stinging odour, I coughed.... my sis walked pass with her very strong parfume, also I coughed.... shit...

*cough*

I'm going to my GP this morning, have to get something for the cough (I'm coughing so hard that it's giving me chest pain!) and also an MC for today.... I can't be in the wards today.... luckily I only ahve a bedside teaching with Dr. Ye, so no loss on my part... and afternoon no class, so should be ok...

Bye! *cough*

We are all malingerers

Saw an interesting case in the ward today, a 30-year-old male construction worker, no history of medical illness presented with 1-day history of left-sided upper and lower limb weakness... on examination, he had normal tone and reflexes but his power was 4/5 in both his left upper and lower limbs. He also had glove-and-stoking sensory loss. Baffled the clinicians as well... but I really hated Dr. Fred for immediately labeling the poor man as a "malingerer". He seemed very uncomfortable in the ward... why would he want to malinger, and prolong his stay in the hospital? Dr. Fred is malingering as a doctor.

I really don't know why I volunteered to present on antibiotics for tomorrow. *stupid* It was a result of my reaction towards my poor colleagues who had to present HIV, TB, Candidiasis, Dengue fever, Malaria, Leptospirosis, etc.... all in 2 hours! Stupid Dr. Ye... one of them have to present something on HIV (which is A LOT!) and also the antibiotic thingy.... so I immediately, as a spinal cord reaction, volunteered to present instead. So stupid. But I'm planning to keep it for next week... I don't care... I'll just tell Dr. Ye that it's too much for one afternoon, better save it for another session... I'm sure my colleagues would thank me for it.

Something that is peculiar to me happen this evening... I received a sms informing about a certain Dr who wanted to meet all the "chinese students"... I was half-hearted to go because I've always been uncomfortable with this racial segregation thingy.... It had the same aura as when a "Malay lecturer" giving "extra classes" to "Malay students"... the same aura.... but I went because I have to see that Dr quite often because of my posting. So I walked from my house to the faculty and met him in the library with my other "chinese" colleagues... he gave us each a pen and a Christmas cum invitation card to his church for Christmas service...

Liked the pen... but I really felt that I shouldn't have gone... it's meaningless.... he didn't even make eye contact or make any conversation with some of us.... he was chatting away with one or 2 students... it's not envy you know, it's just very silly and uncomfortable... it's like I'm getting the pen and the card because I happened to be there.

But I'm giving him the benefit of doubt that he's really sincere...

Let me quote Connie's favourite word... cynical.... Am I being cynical?

From my angle right now, looking at the whole scenario, I should be happy that I got a free pen. :)

Ok, that's settle.... at least I got a great workout! House-to-faculty, and back! Each way took me about 15-20mins depending on the traffic, because it's pretty hard to cross the road with a heavy jam.... but I think it lack cardio workout... wasn't brisk enough to optimize my heart rate... and I'm starting some abdominal crunches daily... about 100 a day. Hope I can keep this up.

Then I met another colleague who said that he liked my "diary" on the internet.... meaning my blog la.... that's funny too... this is in no way a diary... by definition, yes... but, based on what I'm capable of writing, I'd rather not have my blog as my "diary"... too dangerous... :)

Tonigh have to cover "basics". I can't keep anything down. I was great with ECG on my first week... now I can't remember much.... was quite well-versed with infectious topics the other day, now I can't remember shit... so back to basics tonight.... oh ya, can't remember JVP waves too this morning.... *sigh*

What the hell I'm doing.... where's the leak?

Then heard from an old friend last weekend, whom I think is living in a winter wonderland, and he's making me nauseous... and my gut feeling tells me to "ignore" him and let him do whatever he wants as long as he doesn't ask me for my opinion or ask me what to do... does that make me a lousy friend? Because I would probably make him disturbed with my opinion, so isn't it a "friendlier" thing to do by ignoring him? At least that helps me to maintain any ounce of respect left that I have for him.

Ok, enough for now... have to malinger tonight as a good student.

Bonne nuit!

Train of thoughts

• Had my traditional movie marathon! Super! CSIs, Numb3rs, House, Crime Stories...
• Girls' night out with Jo, Jane, Sue and Min! Love the Midin salad at Bla, bla, bla...
• Cleaned and refurbished my room! *beaming* It's a milestone...
• Change beddings
• Slept in Saturday and Sunday mornings with my doggie.... she kept me warm...
• Ate like a pig... so no surprise that my abdominal circumference is still the same
• DIDN'T GO TO THE HOSPITAL! So proud of myself....
• Study? Bits and pieces here and there...
• Didn't have a single cup of coffee the whole weekend! Yipee! But I think tonight I might need a cup to aid in my study effort
• Hey, did we get the accreditation?

The guardian angel on my right shoulder and the stunted devil on my left

I had a very interesting encounter with Dr. Padmini yesterday. We bumped into each other in the elevator as I was returning the LCD and laptop at Level 3.

"Hello Sharon!" she beat me to it you know... she's very sharp for her age. And also I was very tired after the marathon day of lecture, and also very frustrated thinking about what my colleagues must have to go through in the hospital with Dr. Annuar (which I wasn't attending, and was afraid that he might lash out at them because of my absence...)

Will get to that later...

About Dr. Padmini... so she looked very happy to see me, and she said, "Are you free? I have been wanting to talk to you..."

My heart skipped a beat. Is it my results? I flunked ke?

"Yes, I'm free... I just have to return the LCD and laptop to Level 3."

"Please come and see me at Level 9..."

I felt a lump in my throat...

"Ok." I answered weakly... also because we were sharing the elevator ride with some 5 strangers...

I quickly returned the equipments and hastened my steps and made myself to Level 9... she wasn't there.... so I paced around until another lecturer saw me and asked me to sit down at the sofa in front of the entrance...

So I sat and took out a book to read...

Less than 2 minutes later, Dr. Padmini emerged from the corridor of the elevator and walked towards me... I nod and gave her weak smile... I suddenly experienced palpitations.

So we made our way into her office and...

-------
Ok, I better cut the story short....
-------

She asked, "So Sharon, what do you plan to do after your housemanship?"

I was taken aback a little. *puzzled*

"Umm... I can't say right now...."

"Oh I see..." She responded... "I thought you were set on doing Forensic Pathology... I saw your poster and also talked to some lecturers and I had the impression that you were really interested to do Forensic Pathology...."

"Oh I am interested, but I'm not sure if that's what I really want to do for the rest of my life..."

She looked relieved...

"In this field you don't get to see live people very much, and you tend to see the dark side of life... I was thinking that would be a waste... so I must tell you that you have good people skills..."

"It would be quite waste..."

Then she explained about how she thought that I would be more of an asset in the other fields, but stressed that she wasn't giving me any pressure.... but just to tell me of my "strength" and that I should think properly and thoroughly about going into Forensic... but of course if in the end I'm interested in it, by all means..."

I was very surprised and speechless and at the same time I was very touched, touched that someone cared, cared enough to spend her time to tell this to a nothing student like me....

"Actually Dr. Padmini, I would say Forensic is my second choice.... I'm actually more interested in Paediatrics.... but..."

"Oh, it doesn't matter whether it's surgery or paediatric or internal medicine... I'm very sure you'll do well in them..." she responded and waited for my reaction...

"But, but, I'm not good enough... I can't remember the things that I've read, and really I don't have very good results..."

"No, no, don't worry about that... it's because now as a student you have so much to cover, so much to know... of course it's difficult to remember everything... once you focus on something later, I'm sure you can do well... It's not about just getting the highest in MCQ or OSCE or things like that...."

Wow, that was really something... I couldn't believe that I was having that conversation with Dr. Padmini.... it's like she's Godsend... an answer to my prayers for some sign that I'm alright, that I'll survive my final months before I embark to another very challenging chapter of my life...

I guess the content of the conversation wasn't the essential thing for me.... it's just the thought that someone cared and of course, AFFIRMATION...

How could I have forgotton that.... it's been only about 2 months...

I really don't give a damn what I do next time... I just want to be happy, not to feel crappy all the time and die too young (but of course don't live long enough to get some form of cancer....)

Anyways...

I was actually looking forward to my weekend except that tomorrow my group's ORDERED to go to the wards to do catwalks.

I'm very tempted not to go actually because I still have 5 immunities! :)... the mother fucker didn't turn up yesterday evening, to the dismay and relief of my groupmates... dismay because they were super tired and waited like idiots in the ward for him, and he didn't even make any eye contact with them when he make a transient appearance in the ward.

All this cat-and-mouse game is quite stressful for me.... killing my brain cells and my menses is 1 week late! And my abdomen is feeling so bloated...

Yes, I admit part of my frustration have a causal association with PMS.

But it's fine.... I have control over my actions...

Enough for tonight... happy weekend!

Musings

What a hectic day. Non-stop class 8.30am-4.30pm! And what do I gain from it all? Disproportionately inadequate. I only gain more pimples, resentment, more unwanted revelation about the people around (which I don't care to elaborate).

And Dr. Annuar even made my group go back to the hospital after the class, which I didn't go because I didn't bring my labcoat and all my "equipments"... and besides I didn't see the point because he wanted us to present all the cases in the ward, which we couldn't clerk today because of the marathon classes.

"I don't care. You guys should have clerk the patients 5am this morning." he said.

But I didn't go. :) 1 down. Nevermind. 4 more to go. Muahahhaha!

And he's making us come this weekend. Shit. Tough luck for my group. We also "kena" the last time he "realized" that he was a lecturer. But of course I'm not planning to go on Sunday. Nevermind, 3 more to go. :)

Then he also said the next group has to go during Christmas and New Year. It's just so convenient for him to pick this time around to exert his Bruce Almighty power on us. Where was he the past 4 weeks MIA?

He said we "can't" go then we shouldn't be doctors.

I agree. But I don't agree that doctors should be stupid. If he teaches, and answers our questions during his "ward round"... then it's fine, really... but what did he do the last time.... we followed him like chicks.... didn't even teach.... then when we asked him questions, he said we should ask some other specialists, or read it up ourselves...

We read, I tell you, we really read, but some things are best explained by a lecturer or at least a proper clinician...

Anyways, regarding the willingness to work on Christmas and New Year, I have no problem, I know what I'm up for when I took this course... but we are not stupid. I don't think I'm delusional. When I'm actually working, I'll know my priorities.

Let's see, what else struck me today... yes, in spite today being the dateline for case write-up, only 16 out of 28 students submitted their write-ups.... I really don't understand their mentality.... I think they're just abusing Dr. Thomas' niceness... imagine if it's Dr. Mra's who's receiving the write-ups... I'm sure all 28 would have reached me today.

*disturbed*

And they had like 4 weeks to write it? *puzzled*

This morning I enjoyed Dr. William's pharmacology class very much... he chose a real psychiatry case with an extensive history of polypharmacy... so we discussed each drug one-by-one... I thought I learnt a lot and it's great revision.

Yeah, I thought that was the best class today... and Dr. Thomas' class a bit "sedating". :)

I was supposed to go to the wards tonight but decided against it because the ward's usually crowded with patients' relatives... so have decided instead to make it tomorrow early morning... maybe 6.45am? Too ambitious? I'll see.

Now I'm reading up on some haematological disorders because we're getting Prof. Henry tomorrow morning for bedside teaching.... and coincidentally, tomorrow's IDA is on Anaemia, I think. So that's great.

Lastly, what's the big deal about the naked ear-squatting issue? If it's just ear-squatting, it wouldn't be so much of an issue.... it's the NAKED part that's getting everybody excited.

Bonne nuit!

We are all robots

I'm trying to finish the last few sentences of my case write-up which is due tomorrow... but now kinda bored and tired, so decided for a little rest.

Walked home today again. I'm still not losing weight. I abdominal circumference has not come down... I'm only feeling my thigh and calf muscles toning up. I don't think I eat more than what an average person eats a day... so I'm pretty bummed that I'm overweight... it's not healthy. I don't want to die of heart attack. I won't mind to die of a motor vehicle accident or some other freak accidents, but not heart attack.... please... people will saying "She deserves it... look at her size..."

And yes, I have problem talking to people with diabetes and hypertension... how can I advise them without sounding (and looking!) like a bad example?

*sigh*

Anyways...

So what's new?

Tookie William's dead. Some journalist got bombed and now treated like a martyr, for his anti-something stand... how can someone be an anti-something and be a martyr? If we live long enough, we may get aluminium toxicity from our water.

Tomorrow is literally a long day. Literally. Psychiatry 8-12.30, Dr. Annuar's session 12.30-God knows when, 2-4pm will Dr. Thomas' class. And already I feel very tired of the prospect of tomorrow.

I still can't remember shit from whatever I've studied for the past 1 month. Crap. That's not new.

Why... nevermind.... We are all robots. Either you learn to assume the robotic form or you resist and whin, like me.

Good night.

Capital punishment

Good morning!

I'm staying home today to finish up with my case write-up which is due this Thursday and also to catch up with some studies. After there are no formal classes today, and I'm willing to take the chance of skipping any Dr. Annuar's lashing... after the all, what's the odds of him turning up? He didn't turn up even once during my 2-week rotation during the begining of my posting.

Besides he stupidly said that if we miss 5 of his sessions, then we can forget sitting for our exam end of posting exam. Stupid man.... who's going to miss 5 of his sessions... like he's giving even 3 sessions.

*duh*

Anyways, logged on this morning just to check the headlines... greeted by "Gang Leader Sets to Die as Appeals Fail", referring to Stanley Tookie Williams who's set to be executed by tomorrow. He was a founder of a notorious and violent gang called the Crips and was convicted and sentenced to death for a few brutal murders more than 20 years ago.

The catch is, over the last 20+ years, he's apparently turned his life around, and has wrote many books for young people about the sins of gangsterism, apparently reaching out to many gang members who's contemplating to quit their gangs and also deterring many youngster from joining any gangs. And he's been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize 5 times! So he must have done something quite amazing.

So the state of California is now in a dilemma. But this morning, the Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, denied his appeal for clemency, citing his lack of remorse for his crimes.

News like this always catches my attention because I don't have stand on capital punishment. I would and I won't. I'm for and I'm against. It depends...

But can we function that way? Why are we forced to take side? I thought being complex beings, we have to make complex analysis of complex situations like that.

Is there place for redemption? Try reading the accounts of the families of the murdered victims, their pain, the scar...

But Tookie's death wouldn't bring the victims back to life.... "But it would bring us closure" said one of the victims ailing mother....

"Tookie's a changed man. He'll do more good alive than dead" An advocate said.

At this point, this is my thought of the issue....

What Tookie has done for the last 20 years may all be well and good. But he didn't pay for his impulsiveness and his cruelty when he gunned down a 26-year-old father working in a convenience store and he has not admitted guilt (despite overwhelming evidence against him) of the slaying of a Vietnamese family for $100. He never did pay for his senselessness.

The least he could do is to give that closure so yearned by the families of his victims. If he's set on making a difference, and I'm sure his execution would send a message to those thinking of joining gangs.

The hard truth is, no one's indispensible.

In the end, we'll all be judged by the highest authority.

Let me explain myself

A couple of weeks ago, during liaison psychiatry, my Dean, the Pychiatrist was answering a question by a colleague of mine about Type A personality. He gave this example to illustrate his answer:

"Imagine yourself bumping into a lecturer down the hall... you greet him, but he doesn't greet back, or worse, look at you and show no acknowledgement whatsoever..."

"A person with Type A personality would feel very offended, very hurt even... may even wonder what he or she might have done to receive that treatment..."

"But a non-Type A personality would think that the lecturer may have been too busy or too preoccupied to respond as they cross path... so no big deal... and forgets about it..."

*disturbed*

By his description, I'm pure breed Type A.

I'm constantly preoccupied with doing stuff for other people, and I fool myself that I'm doing stuff for myself, for my own good, and for the good of all.

I need to strike a balance, I need to be more selfish.

Today I was very disturbed (it spoiled my whole afternoon)... I had a little confrontation with Mr. Gopal, the proprietor of an Indian food outlet just outside my faculty...

Let me summarize the whole thing first... he's very double standard... he serves students with less food, less courtesy, but of course the same charge, and he's also very dumb. He can't count simple arithmetic with the help of a simple calculator. But he's a towering of a man, and very crude, with an alcoholic facies.

First he made us wait for a long time before taking our order for the food, and also skipped us for other "working" people (doctors, and posher-looking people) to take orders for our drinks (my friends and I)...

So when he finally came to my table, and pretended to "scold" his workers for not taking our drink orders... so I couldn't stand his attitude and snapped, "It's about time somebody took our orders!" The words didn't reflect my true dissatisfaction, but I'm sure my tone and my facial expression said it all...

He retorted, "What's your problem?"

I glared at him, and I could see his eyes bloodshot... and I remembered Raj telling me that it was rumoured that a few of his workers quit their job because he or his wife hit them.

*shit*

But he suddenly remembered that I was customer (he inhaled more deeply) and he rephrased, "What do you want?" But there was scorn in his voice.

Then my colleague sitting next to me looked a bit worried, so I didn't want to stress her any further, so I just acted as if nothing was happening and placed my order (at the back of my mind I praying that he would not spit into my drink).

I felt victorious, but it was short-lived... I felt that I didn't get him enough... and that bothered me the whole afternoon.

*shit*

What's for sure is that I won't go for anymore meals there. The question now remains is whether I would "spread" this around and rally support to boycott the food outlet. I know Raj and his other friends have already been doing it for quite a while... they have valid reasons...

If someone really deserves a certain treatment, isn't it as simple as they simply deserve it?

Cheers!

Could I have Type A personality?

Came across this while surfing just now... will explain later why it caught my attention....

What is the type A personality, fundamentally?
Two personality types were developed by the psychological profession in order to define people’s behaviors. Each of these two types has a set of criteria by which those who belong to one type or the other are discovered. These types are type A, the strict and rigid, perfectionistic type and type B, the relaxed individual’s personality type. The type A personality is a very flat personality, very strict. Fundamentally this personality grows out of having had to earn acceptance rather than being bestowed with it unconditionally. This person as a child was probably given conditional love, had a role model who was raised on conditional love or both. There was a standard to be met and if it was met there was acceptance and reward; if the standard wasn’t met then there was neither reward nor acceptance.

Ouch. Flat personality? That's a bummer... strict and rigid I admit. But flat personality... I don't think so... About unconditionately love, I'm not sure... I don't think my parents consciously set any standard, but I make the standard myself... Perfectionist? Used to be until it drained me to the max... it's hard maintaining it...

Type A folks have major issues around three key areas: time, money and dirt.

Type A’s and Issues surrounding time.
Type A people have limitless problems with time. Type A’s need to be on time, they need to avoid running out of time, they need to have a watch or clock handy so they can measure time, they invest time, measure the value of time spent and time left available. These folks have issues with deadlines, as they are restricting, yet they feel they must have them and they must be met. Time is a tool for measuring and a means of limiting, confining and defining. As such, time is important to someone who has always had to meet standards and deadlines for acceptance.

I know I'm good at meeting datelines... there's always a sense of responsibility... a sense that I shouldn't be letting anyone down, that everyone has their part in this life cycle... I would be terribly irresponsible and hated and loathed if I don't execute my responsibility properly...

Issues with money.
Type A people have esteem issues, as they don’t base their value on solid ground but rather on meeting standards. As such, rather than by their inherent value as people, they value themselves and what they do by money. What’s it worth, what did it cost, how much do they earn, have and spend? They spend or give money as a way of showing love or affection. It is their empowerment and security. In relationships there is a medium of exchange and of acceptance with others and it is money.

It's hard to admit, but I'm materialistic... I don't exactly go around day-dreaming about owning a mansion or a luxury car (worse... I want nice clothes, nice shoes, the expensive stethoscope, etc.) but I know I'll die if I'm poor...

Issues with dirt.
As the type A individual is perfectionist and of low self esteem they don’t want to have any association with dirt. Getting dirty makes them feel cheap and worthless. They need neat surroundings.

Not an issue for me... I'm not particularly neat... my room's a mess! :)

Remission.
Something like remission or over compensation can occur in which the type A personality may swing to the extreme opposite to cope. They may give away money to show they can, get dirty or do dirty jobs to confront their fears and may throw caution about time to the wind to set themselves free. Still you can see that they still are tied heavily to these issues.

Guilty.

Emotions.
Type A personalities may deny emotion or not know they have any. They may feel guilty for having or showing emotions as this would take them away from the source of real value for them which is to meet standards like a perfectly performing machine.

It depends on the scenario... I always think of myself as very rich with emotion... and I can't stand people who are lacking in this area. To me they are very dumb, and I get very irritated with them because after every conversation, they make me feel like a fool... pouring my hearts out and they sit there looking stupoid. SOOO... I'm definitely not Type A in this aspect.

Time for myself

I guess some good came out of my very unproductive weekend.

I think I spent more than 10 hours of sinful couch-potatoing this whole weekend, but no regrets really... I don't have that heavy feeling that I always feel on Sunday nights, that feeling of uncertainty and some degree of fear for what's in store for me in the week ahead. I guess I got a good rest.

Jo called and asked me out for shopping, but I have to decline because my Sunday evenings are reserved for some self-psychotherapy and for tying up some loose ends from the previous week. So sorry Jo, but looking forward to this Friday!

Didn't do a whole lot of studying this weekend... decided not to go to the Christmas dinner too... not really bummed about it... but I do miss the laughter and singing... but I felt that I didn't really want to face people who's are not really my close friends. I felt that it would be too taxing and draining.

I had a great deal of fun surfing the net today... read-up on the life of John Lennon... co-lour-FUL! I wonder what it would be like to be his lover? :)

The I was reading about Richard Pryor, who passed away yesterday... didn't know about him until his death... one very dark character despite being a stand-up comedian... let's see if I get this correct... from what I've gathered, his legacy is his success of making pain into comedy.... way cool...

Then after that I was trying to read some online journals, but decided that they were way boring, so I switched to drooling over some of my favourite men... too many to name, but Ralph Fiennes, George Clooney and Hugh Jackman are my favourite favourite. They are really some high-end anatomy. :)

I love Fiennes' upper lip; thin, basic but absolutely sexy!

I love the wrinkles around Clooney's eyes when he smiles... *melt*

I love the creases on Jackman's forehead when he frowns (and his gorgeous body too lar...).... so intense....

*dreamy* <=== Silly girl.

Great weekend... can't wait for next weekend... until then I have to change into my medical student-with-a-purpose mode.

Cheers!

Hugh Jackman: Object of my fascination

George Clooney: Object of my fascination

Panda dog

*sigh*

I feel "uninspired" these couple of days.... I'm that type of person who usually tries to find any form of inspiration from anything at all around me, because I live and thrive by it... I've come to believe that God speaks to us not from his words in the bible (they are so out of date, and the English too pompous for my simple English), but from the things that happen around me and also definitely from the people I come in contact with everyday.

But I'm just not feeling much these couple of days...

Maybe what my colleague was trying to tell me is true... I need some form of psychotherapy.

I feel uninspired to study, uninspired by my novels (which had never failed to inspire me no matter how irrelevant the stories are to my current life situation), uninspired to pray, uninspired to keep in touch with my friends, uninspired by everything that used to make me so passionate...

I find myself floating, disorientated, my sight for the future seems a bit out of focus, it's still there, just not as bright and vibrant as before.

*sigh*

Have to stop here... going to mass... *sigh*.... whatever for.

How about me?

Today I crossed path with 2 of the most grandiose and self-applause people that I've met in my life; Dr. Annuar and Josh Beh.

They don't really bother me but I really felt amazed at how insightless and how they go on and on and on about how stupid everyone is except themselves... no regards for authority, no respect even for people.... their world revolve around themselves.... (I'm so scarred to imagine that the 2 of them share the same planet by themselves!)

I was even trying to "counsel" Josh a little these couple of days, but he was soooo resistant... so I felt that I've done my "Christian" duty (I really feel disturbed using the "Christian" word, hence the inverted commas).... I tried to see whatever ounce of goodness that he may have in him... but he just refused to show them, to even be logical....

He just went on and on about stupid people doing stupid thing trying to stupidly frame him or something.... I think he's delusional as well....

To Dr. Annuar, everyone doesn't know what they are talking about.... only HE sees the whole picture... he has his points and he has his strengths, I admit, but he doesn't have the humility to actually put his intellect to good use.... he rather use coercion and despotism.... I don't really feel that he has any of the student's interest at heart.... he's not nurturing nor guiding... he doesn't hope for the best for the students....

He's just very sure that we'll all make lousy doctors...

I really feel that God is challenging me with something... He wants me to question Him about why some people get away with certain things...

How about me?

Anyways, like I say, they don't really bother me that much, but I guess this is for the record... :).... once I write something down in my blog, once I publish it.... it's chapter close and forgotten.

Oh ya, our paeds results are postpone again.... anyways, my mentor's out of town on a course or something...

Tomorrow, we're all having a special meeting with the dean regarding the accreditation team that's coming next week... really don't see any reason to go... I'm quite fed-up with the faculty...

Bonne nuit!

One of those lacklustre days

I spent my whole day in the faculty today, didn't go to the wards... but no regrets la, caught up with some studies, which I was very happy about... I gave up last night and dozed off around 11+, so felt a bit guilty/disturbed when I woke up this morning, so that's why I decided to just dedicate my whole morning to my Harrison's... so now we're quite acquinted....

But tomorrow no escape, I have bedside teaching with Dr. Clare, the nephrologist.... so tonight I have to read a little on nephrology.... but of course I'll stop for 1 hour for House... :)

I have to get in touch with my mentor tomorrow... I heard our paeds results are out. Wish me luck!

This weekend is the Camp OneWay follow-up session and also the Christmas dinner! I really don't know whether I'll be able to find the mood for any socializing.... so I'm not sure whether I want to go.... May have to clerk patients on Sunday evening.... I'll see what happens....

A BIG HELLO TO GERYL! :) Thanks for the sms yesterday! Take care!

Cheers!

Ralph Fiennes: Object of my fascination

Inappropriately happy

A colleague from another posting (my whole class is divided into 4 postings... Medicine, Surgery, O&G and Paediatrics) commented that there wasn't much joy in meeting each other anymore... you know what? He's very right.... in fact very profound for someone I've never known to have any much EQ... so when I thought back on the events of today and the people I met and all, I was delightfully surprised by his sudden profoundness, but then when it dawned on me, I was was also very disturbed with the "revelation", the truth, real life....

You see the 4 groups don't get to see each other throughout the year.... so I may not even see some of my coursemates the whole academic year!

And now everyone's feeling very stressed out and maybe a little bit unhappy here and there.... I really want to be unhappy because then I can blame whatever shit on being unhappy, but that's not what's happening... I'm still happy and all... relaxing here and there... catching myself psychoing myself about what's ahead in less than 6 months time.... if I don't make it.... if I make it.... if I don't make it.... if I make it.... things like that....

I thought I would be miserable and all because I had to give up Christmas caroling, and all the other church activites that I was so determined to get myself involved in.... I thought that I would be upset... but my mind's still very focused (maybe my body a bit lazy....) on the things, the immediate things at hand....

But now I know I'm lacking motivation, lacking the competitive spirit that I once had... maybe I've grown out of it... sometimes when I suddenly remisnis, it bothers me just a little bit about why I'm not feeling very motivated....

Have I given up?

Have I lost that sight of what it is I want from my life?

Or am I just plain lazy?

Whatever the reasons may be, I'm sure that I'm feeling still innapropriately happy, I think.... :) Maybe I just want to be wherever the wind brings me. I'm sick and tired of planning and setting goals.... for all I know I may just die tomorrow, and my organs have not even been pledged...

So now back to the most important thing in my life right now.... my books.... *sigh*

A bientot!

Sam was ugly, but adorable!

I couldn't believe it when I saw this on the headlines today.... apparently Sam is quite a celebrity himself.... but sadly he has passed away last month at 14 years old, after his owner euthanized him because he was in heart failure...

He was the undefeated Ugliest Dog for 2004 and 2005.

Honestly, I was a bit frighthened when I saw his picture this morning.... but as I gazed closer and more intently, I could actually see a very lovable doggie in him.... don't ask me how...

May he rest in peace!

My lungs anyone? I don't smoke.

What caught my attention today during the respiratory update was the talk on lung transplantation... I've always had the intention to donate my organs if I happen to die prematurely, but the place that I am in, it's not really feasible... we do have lung transplantations going on in KL.... viability of the lungs is about 4 hours... so logistically, there's a difficulty in getting donor organs to the centre in KL from my place... and I believe the difficulty is the same for recipients residing in Sarawak and Sabah, to make their way to KL... I mean it's possible if one is staying near an airport... imagine living in the interiors of Sarawak.... Anyways, there' really nothing offered here by the hospital, any programme or any forms to pledge my organs, things like that... we are just not there yet...

It's not something cool or trendy... it's really something we ought to think about... many people perish while waiting for potential donors.... what we have here are mostly cadaveric organs... meaning we wait for people to die (from motor vehicle accidents primarily)... and many potential donors still face the difficulty of rejection from family members of the organs being donated. So it's a really very delicate situation.... I've expressed my intentions to my family once... and they were weary because they don't really know what to expect... and I at that time was also not well-versed about the subject... was just being idealistic... but after the talk to day, I'm making it a point to read up more about organ donations... and maybe I could educate my parents about it... and hopefully convince the other people around me to consider putting up their organs for donation when they die....

We should really focus on how our death/loss would mean a life to another person.... so simple to make the decision really... the greatest gift of all... and in regards to our family, mindsets can be changed....

Oh ya, imagine yourself to continue "living" when you die....

Cheers!

Genetically rude

Talks were good, food was good. Not exactly my ideal weekend but I thoroughly feel that my weekend's well spent (instead of being a couch potatoe at home)...:). At least now I have a a better idea what I should be reading up more for my respiratory topics.

I'm actually attending the "Sarawak Respiratory Update" held at Merdeka Palace this weekend.... updates like this are held throughout the year on various topics and whenever I get the chance, I would try to attend...

So now I'm checking out the latest on Avian Influenza and Tuberculosis on the WHO and CDC websites... hopefully tonight I want read-up further on lung cancer and occupational lung diseases.... the links to the websites are on my side panel....

Oh ya, I was very disturbed with the lack of civility shown by the crowd during the talks.... handphones after handphones were ringing.... sms tones after sms tones!!! Honestly... the ballroom was filled with doctors and nurses and other paramedics! And to think they should be more civilized than some chinese taukeh selling kolo mee.... I was both very ashamed and frustrated... and I know some of them actually enjoy their handphones going off.... ring once they quickly cancel the call, and instead of switching it to silent mode, they let it be only to have it go off again, and again, and again....

*puzzled*

Yes, I'm more puzzled than anything else actually.

I think it's just in the blood... no amount of education would ever rectify the mentality. It's too much of their identity to be inherently rude and uncultured.

Cheers!

Death from Sharon's angle

I just got back from my oncall.

A 53-year-old man presented just 4 days ago with unresolved fever, loss of appetite and loss of weight (almost 15kg in 1 month)... all this in about 1 month duration. He was scheduled for a laparatomy for removal of para-aortic lymph nodes in a couple of days. His provisional diagnosis was lymphoma.

He wasn't my patient actually, and I haven't got around to check his case out just yet (there are currently about 60 patients in the ward... so....)... but just now as I was talking a man who came in with right leg swelling with pain after a snake bite.... the busy, but orderly ward and its very business-like staff and patients' relative moving in and out the cubicles... the ward was shattered by the most gut-wrenching wailing and crying and screaming, and the MO-on-call came over to the bed where I was together with a HO and instructed the HO to take the approprite measures as the 53-year was "slipping away"...

The crying and wailing continued....

I made my way to the mentioned patient's bed and saw his family surrounding him, grabbing on to his arms and legs and a lady, who's obviously the man's wife, clasping both her hands on her husband's face, and she was crying, her face tear-stained, and she could hardly catch her breath.

The HO and another nurse wheeled in an ECG machine and tried to persuade the family members to release the frail man... his heart was still beating, but it was too slow, and after about 2 minutes, the lifeline went flat.... asystole (pulseless)... the HO auscultated for heart beat and breath sounds... none spontaneous... shone a torch over his eyes and declared they were unresponsive and dilated.... and she gave a nod to one of the man's family members who looked the most composed and seemed the most in control of the situation... she mouthed silently to the HO... "Gone?".... the HO noded and started to carefully remove the chest pads...

And the informed family member put her arms around the man's wife and squeeze her shoulders and told her that her husband's passed... the wife gasped weakly and started crying again, but his time very somberly, as if she's raised her white flag... a younger female relative fainted and had to be carried by a male cousin out of the ward.

Of course I wasn't affected by the man's passing.... he was very sick... he had a terminal illness..., and I didn't know the poor man... but the problem was I didn't know how to behave in front of the relatives and I avoided eye contact with them... I didn't know how I should appropriately conduct myself in front of the deceased family members... I felt awkward...

It reminded me of my grandma's passing... I didn't feel sad... she had renal failure... and she was 87 years old, lived with diabetes and hypertension for 3 decades... so it wasn't unexpected... but I felt uncomfortable and was afraid I might be disrespectful if I don't show any mourning or something.... so I was disturbed throughout the whole thing....

On a Christian point of view, death should be celebrated in the sense that death represents "going home"... but then again, I don't have that much feeling about that respect...

I just feel that life is not life without death... so to only be recognized as once lived and dwelled on earth, someone has to die first, to put it bluntly.

I'm not afraid that I might die... there's no question of fear of death... it's more the question of how I might die... Of course I want an instant death, painless, non-mutilating to my body, hopefully not in an unnatural way, so that there's no need for an autopsy.

I love to perform post-mortems, but there's never a moment that I don't remind myself that the "body" used to be "someone" who had wanted in life dignity and respect.

Have to stop here. Have to read-up for tomorrow. Bonne nuit.

Dinner, bath, oncall...

I was in the faculty the whole day today because we have formal classes the whole day... we're having the Dean (who's a psychiatrist) for 5 weeks for our liaison psychiatry component for my medical posting, so it's really cool.... instead of asking us to clerk cases and present them, he discusses examples of exam questions and he expands the subject just from one question... and we could discuss almost 2 hours of it without ever any minute paused because of no question to ask. And he's really good at getting everyone to talk.... that's why he's the psychiatrist. :) So I totally enjoyed that in the morning.

The afternoon was also mind-boggling.... Dr. Tang razzled and dazzled the whole class with his panoramic view of cardiology and he's very intelligent approach to the different conditions that may affect the heart... he also gave us so many little hints here and there, tips and the do's and don'ts when we start our housemanship in 6 months time.... so that was great too. I'm really looking forward to his bedside teaching tomorrow 8am... so tonight during my oncall, I'll try to look out for some interesting cases to be discussed with him.

On my way home, I was giving Adeline a ride home, we bumped into Dr. Myint, who took us for paediatric... she took me together with Dr. Chan for my short cases during my exam 3 weeks ago.... so I offered her a ride home too. She commented that she was a bit disappointed with my performance during my short cases... she said I could have done better.... yeah, I know.... I was hoping this wouldn't come up as an issue anymore, but I guess there's something behind everything that happens... is it a reminder for me to do something?

By the way, our paediatric results will not be revealed until after everyone (can you believe some of my colleague refused to submit a feedback form and are now causing the whole group's results to be withheld?) submit the stupid feedback forms.... and some of them have not completed their oncalls.... *sigh*.... my group really go all the way to "irritate" poor Dr. Padmini... a few of them also did not fill in the supervisor's assessment marks... so she had to look up the supervisors themselves to ask for the marks.... can you imagine that?

Got to go now... dinner, bath, oncall.... cheers!

Breakfast entry

I'm quite disturbed. I thought my class was supposed to be 8am... so I figured I'd just skip the "imaginary" 7am ward round with Dr. Annuar (he's yet to show up since last Monday)... so I woke up 7am instead and at exactly 7.28am (I knew something's up because of the proximity of the time to my morning class) my sms tone went off.... class is at 9am instead... what a bummer... I could have gone to the wards at 7 something and joined the male medical ward round.... *sigh*.... the worst part is that I know the person who's passing this news knew about this since yesterday because he/she was called to meet the lecturer yesterday afternoon to arrange some material for the class this morning....

Ah well... so now my phone's beeping once in a couple of minutes with the same message... so I know that the news has just been circulated...

Last night I was revising my ECG... it's pretty hard because my textbook explains certain things a different way... Dr. Tang was mainly teaching from experience, which was much easier to comprehend and follow... so I think I just have parasite (ask him lots and lots of questions) on him this couple of days...

And tomorrow I and another colleague have each present a long case to him... he said he wants to "check out our standard".... at first it sounded really scary and all, but I'm glad it's my turn to present tomorrow... at least he can point out where I stand tomorrow... I'm also curious to know.... because as it is now, I have no clue how I'm doing, what I should be concentrating on, strengths, weaknesses... I need to know... and I feel his not that judgemental.... even if he is, I really don't care that very much anymore... it's been more than 4 years in the faculty.... I'm sure all my "belang-belang" have shown through.

Dr. Tang I believe belong to a group of lecturers who's always talking about who's who (students)... they are always picking out students.... discussing who's the smartest, who's not so bright.... I just realized it yesterday afternoon during his class.... maybe I'll elaborate more next time... I want to read up on psychiatry....

Cheers!

Something before I zzzZZZzzz

After a highly enjoyable and exhilarating ECG class with Dr. Tang, he asked me what I thought of the class... so I answered very truthfully.... I felt very "enlightened" and motivated to study the subject even more... then I told him that I have the problem of remembering stuff...

He replied me by saying that "studying medicine is not about memorizing" and that it's by seeing patients in the ward. He said that he noticed the difference between students here and overseas (he did his MD in Australia) was that overseas students don't read their textbooks very much, but they love spending their time in the wards... "they are less inhibited, so they enjoy talking to patients"... what he meant was that students here most probably have the wrong concept of studying medicine... bookworms...

I have to agree quite a lot with him... I admit I always feel reluctant and terribly insecure about approaching a patient in the ward... there's this feeling inadequacy, so I retreat by hiding behind my books, which I have made into my comfort zone. It's only this year in my final year that I've learnt to be less "inhibited".

Tomorrow would be a long day.... 4 hours of psychiatry and then another cardiology class with Dr. Tang in the afternoon... then I'm oncall tomorrow night.... then I have a 8am bedside teaching the following day with Dr. Tang again.... hey, it's cardiology week.

Have to go ZZZzzzzZZZZ. My eyes are already out of focus.... good night!

Yak, yak, yak...

Dr. Annuar didn't turn up for the 7am ward round again this morning, so we all waited for him like idiots (except me lar, hehe, I waited 15mins then went for breakfast with Hema!).... but he made us stay for a bashing at 4.30pm just now (eventhough he said 4.00pm sharp).... and he kept us until almost 5.30pm... but that's ok... I heard the previous batch was made to stay until 6.30pm! It's not really a problem to stay back after 4.30pm... but it's just that we've been in the wards the whole day (with quite a lot of time wasted waiting for him) and we need to study sooo much... honestly I'm so tired at night I can't even read the words on the same line properly... I would be jumping lines, then paragraph and then I realize I just better stop and sleep.

So what I've been doing is juggling between CTW and the male ward... I'm actually more into the male ward.... but I "pretend" to be into the CTW as well.... actually I just check on my patient's progress through the doctors' notes and their charts and latest ECG and all... but really I have no time to clerk new patients there... as it is I can't even manage my patients in the male ward... I haven't even got the chance to do any procedures and I'm already in my 2nd week of Medicine posting. *sigh*

Oh ya, I heard for the group that our paediatric results will be out tomorrow.... *disturexcited*.... *making the sign of the cross*.... I heard that there are no failures for paediatric but I'm just really not keen to see what I got for my disastrous long case.

I do still miss paediatric terribly... I met Mei Hsia, Phyllis and Hooi Ming for lunch just now over at Hung Hung Inn... and they were complaining that paediatric was too pack for them.... and I on the other hand am very concerned that we have too much free time for medicine posting... I'm worried that we cannot be trusted to handle sooo much self-directed learning time...

In the morning I clerked a patient with suspected dermatomyositis... but unfortunately for me (but fortunately for the patient), he didn't have many typical signs.... and I have feeling that eventually his diagnosis may change.... I was very excited when I saw this case in the new admission list because I was told to look into this type of patient because it's a common exam case... they are not usually seen in the wards, only in the clinics. But the patient was gracious enough to entertain all my questions and let me examine him. My second patient of the day was one with suspected rheumatic fever, but again, he didn't have I would say enough of the typical symptoms.... and not even enough criteria for it to be diagnosed conclusively, but he's treated as a rheumatic fever anyways... and he's actually improving with his current treatment.

Yesterday I saw a boy who's diagnosis was ??? for the past few days.... came in with high-grade fever, really, really ill, disoriented, with hyperdynamic praecordium (meaning that movement of the heart can be seen on the chest) and his neck was pulsating... the doctors were not sure what he had, so he was isolated, and yesterday I had to wear a mask into the room where he was warded to clerk him... but he looked sooo much better, sitting up and reading... honestly I was very surprised to see the stark contrast of the boy yesterday and today, and I thought my colleagues gave me a "Are you sure you were telling us about the same patient?" kind of look.... I thought he looked a bit unusual... his hands were very big for his 13 years old.... and he had long spidery fingers and his arms seemed kind of longish... so I brought 2 colleagues to give me their "second opinions".... we took his armspan and it measured 175cm... compared to his height which was only 163cm! But he didn't have any other features of Marfan's Syndrome... so we didn't blow the trumpets on him to our other colleagues.... no murmurs, no kyphosis, no high-arch palate, etc. (we usually do this so that other students get to see the case as well....)

Then I managed to examined the neurological status of a very nice and sweet and very cooperative 61-year-old lady who presented with sudden onset of bilateral upper limb and lower limb weakness associated with some degree of sensory loss... my impression was Gullain-Barre Syndrome, but she had other atypical presentation as well, so the 3 of us (the most unlikely combination of me, Wushu and Chee Shee) had quite a nice discussion on the case...

Then in the afternoon, we made our way to the haemodialysis unit for a little refresher on the subject, which I thought was very brief but very, very useful for me today....

Tomorrow morning we're supposed to have bedside teaching with Dr. Annuar... but he already "announced" earlier in the posting that he wasn't going to give any bedside teachings, so we actually have the whole morning to ourselves, so I may just make my way to one of the many clinics going on tomorrow, cardiac clinic, gastroenterology, etc. and learn a thing or 2... or I may just hang around in the wards and clerk different cases.... for my case write-ups... I think for my final year, I'll attemp a neurology case and maybe a respiratory case... I did a cardiology and renal case in my 3rd year.... or maybe a haematology case sounds good too.... hmmmm... * thinking*

I'm feeling so lazy to study tonight... I'll just read-up on my patients' diseases today and also maybe brush up on my ECG... then later I have my House at 10pm! Remember, Stop, Look and Go! Hehe... pretty helpful in times as such.

Cheers!

Decisions, decisions

*sob* *sob*

No caroling practice for me tonight. In fact I told my sis that I may not be able to join them this year. My schedule is too tight at the moment and I can't imagine the week that we're supposed to go out caroling... usually every night we're out, it would stretch to midnight, and we usually start 6.30pm... so I really can't see how I can manage... and that week it's when I'm having my mid-posting assessment.... 15%! And my posting coordinator has already warned us that that assessment can mean a pass or a fail in my final exam...

I'm really, really very disappointed and it's really a hard decision, but after a rather traumatic 1st week, I would consider the decision was not too hard after all...

Today was a pretty long day... we swapped ward... so this week I'm in male ward... so I had 5 patients this morning, but I only managed to clerk 4 of them.... and I couldn't even manage to clerk my patient in CTW! And I was in the wards until almost 5pm. And I didn't join the afternoon ward round in CTW with Dr. Annuar because I was busy clerking in the male ward.... but he didn't say anything... he's actually in quite a good mood this couple of days....

So am I playing with fire? Hehehe... Don't worry, it's only today lar... too many patients to cover... tomorrow I'll make sure I join his ward round.... he made 2 groups wait for him this morning at CCU at 7am and didn't turn up!!! *sigh* And weather was soo nice to sleep in (at least until 7+)!

I guess I'm feeling little bit nifty today because the change of the new ward was a really good change of environment... but still no escape fro cardiology... 2 patients were suspected to have Infective Endocarditis! And one 33-year-old man was afflicted by a really, really serious Psoriasis! I couldn't believe looking at this man in real time... the only other time I've seen such a bad case of psoriasis was in my dermatology textbook! And maybe the rarity of seeing such case in the wards was also a contributing factor, because dernatological conditions are mostly non life-threatening... but his is a case of erythroid psoriasis (according to my textbook, the life threatening form of psoriasis)....

So I would actually sum up today as a really interesting day...

Today the whole group was going smooth except for the incident with the respiratory course update... Adeline was asked by one of the specialist to recruit 5 students to attend a respiratory update this Saturday at Merdeka Palace.... and if there are mosre than 5, the extra students would be put in the waiting list... But for some strange reasons, she didn't want to handle the thing, so she passed the chore to Yang, who in turn passed it to Norizan.... So poor Norizan went collecting money and making photocopies of the form and submitted the form and money to the specialist this morning, who refused to accept the money because he said that he was dealing with Adeline, so he wanted only Adeline to pass him the money. And the worst part was that he said only 3 students (who filled in the original forms) from our group (more than 10 wanted to go, and Norizan wasn't inform that only 5 could be confirmed going) could go! So poor Norizan had to return the money to everyone who couldn't go, and explain one-by-one to them why they couldn't go!

And why our group only 3 students can go? Because Yang gave 2 other forms to some students from another posting.... appparently he said he didn't know about the original form business, and apparently not aware of the 5-student restriction....

I know some of my colleagues were upset that they couldn't go.... Raj was asking me to explain the whole thing to him... I was too tired but I felt sorry for him, so I told him anyway....

The 3 lucky people are Norizan, Adeline and I.... I'm really fortunately because Norizan passed me the form to make the announcement about it to the class last week, so I got to fill in the original form! *phew*

But I'm glad at least finally Norizan gets to go after all the trouble she went through sorting out "other" people's responsibilities/mess...

And today Dr. Mra sent me quite a long mail about what to do with neurology and some other business... *sigh* it's sometimes a bit hard to understand her email.... but the point is I have to make a few adjustments, and a few many more decisions... who, when, how... *sigh*

On a lighter note, I was reading Sue's blog entry yesterday, "Old Golden Pal"... it's really very heart-warming! Thanks Sue!

I saw Elena again today, but I'm sure for the last time! She came over to the hospital to snap some pictures, so I went around with her... her flight's tomorrow... so Bon voyage!

So another long day tomorrow! Oh ya, I would really want to know what happened from Chris about the Tebakang issue, so I can't wait to meet up with you guys! *wonder*

Cheers!

Elena

Elena and I had a nice dinner at Elephant's (Chris, thanks for introducing this place to me)... my Chicken a-la-kiev was quite good despite its very coarse and very "bark-like" appearance... and Elena had fish with cajun sauce, I think.... and we were supposed to end our dinner with an ice-cream dessert, but Elephant's ran out of it! So that didn't deter us for making first our way to the MacD opposite Sarawak Plaza... couldn't get a parking space... so we made our way to Jalan Keretapi, just for a decent sundae! Now I really miss Majestic Ice-cream which used to be in Satok, but closed down because the business was not really good. I guess people here are not willing to pay for expensive (but delicious, luxurious, rich) ice-cream.

Then when I dropped her off at her place, I met up with SN Lee, who Elena's staying with during her posting here... and had quite a chat with her... she's a nurse at the Neonatal Unit at SGH... so when we started talking about the unit, and all, she started to be very worked up and even passionate about her job and voiced very strongly all her disatisfaction and concern... about the management, the boss, the housemen and medical officers... but I learnt something from her... anyways...

I've always enjoyed talking to Elena because she's very receptive and very mature (very for her age of 21)... and I loved to listen to her stories of her travel and her family... so I really wish her all the best in her studies and later in her career as a doctor!

Hope you had a great time here in Kuching! You take care!

But I'll still be seeing her tomorrow... we'll be taking some pictures around the hospital...

Now I have to read-up a little and I'll retire earlier tonight. Early day tomorrow.

Bonne nuit!

Advent

Luckily there was only ONE patient in the Cardiac Care Unit (CCU) last night, and about a dozen in the Cardiothoracic Ward (CTW)... meaning less work for me, and meaning more cardiac patients would be able to spend their weekend at home.

So I followed up on the patient in the CCU and updated our group file (we have a file on all the patients so that whoever on call can updated it), examined some patients in the CTW and practiced some ECG interpretation with my colleague, before retiring for the night... before that I informed her that I won't be coming for the Sunday morning ward round... I've decided that I wanted to rest before the new daunting new week ahead... and she assured that it was ok... so I told not to worry... I'll bear any consequence myself... I'll make sure the whole group won't be affected. So far no news from my group members, so... I'll just see what happens tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'll be on Male Medical Ward rotation. That would be great because I'll be seeing a variety of cases, instead of just cardiac cases... but tomorrow we'll be starting off with a bedside with the infamous Prof. Chew Peng Hong! Cheryl's dad... Cheryl's a classmate of mine back in school... Prof. Chew's famous for his eccentricity, but I've always enjoyed his teachings, because he approaches medicine very differently from all other doctors that have thought me... he's definitely not exam-oriented, which makes him not very popular with majority of my friends (who prefers exam-oriented lecturers)...

Basically, he's always thinking outside the box... and I'm always caught in a delightful surprise by his sudden burst of ideas! Then I always remember whatever he's taught me, because he's a genius in making a point! Very animated, very intimidating, extremely confident... untouchable... and he's the type of lecturer that if I get a blasting from, I wouldn't feel offended, I'd work even harder to prove myself.

So I can't wait for the surprise that's in store for me tomorrow! :)

Yesterday was an extremely taxing day... I was at CCU 7+ then, rushed for lecture 9.30am at my faculty, which lasted until 1.15pm!!! I could only pay attention until around 11+... then I was day-dreaming most of the remaining 2 hours. Then when I finally got home, I only had energy to watch House on AXN and finally dozed off and waking up in time for mass... after mass, went for a speedy dinner (10mins) alone at Thompson's corner, then off again to the wards.... came home, dozed in front of the TV and slept until 10am this morning!

I didn't even see Elena's sms until late this morning.... I promised her to bring her for a dinner or something today.... she's leaving Tuesday morning for Tasmania after her 10-week elective posting in SGH...

Thought of going for a haircut, maybe after laundry I may just drop by my usual saloon. I can't believe that I didn't do laundry for more than one week! That's a first... cause I'm quite "pantang" to see a piling laundry... I usually do every 3 to 4 days...

This morning, over brunch I was chatting with my parents... we were talking mostly about the sermon last night.... we went to different churches, so we sort of compared the points that the 2 different priests were making (because the theme is the same in all the churches)... and strangely, last night I was very impressed upon... about what Advent (Merriam-Webster Dictionary: the period beginning four Sundays before Christmas and observed by some Christians as a season of prayer and fasting) was all about to Chrsitians... can you believe it? I'm a christian all my life, and only now I realized what it means....

But I'm very happy all the same... gave me a little boost to my disposition, gave me a little hope, gave me a little joy in facing whatever is in store for me tomorrow...

So I guess Dr. Gan the psychiatrist, was not wrong to dismissed religion as "something" humans use to help them face fear... as "something" to help them through the passages of life, like greast loss, death, suffering... but the more I listen to him, the more I'm not sure he's an atheist.... so I think he's lost too....

I was at Sue's blog... quite surprise that she's resigning... but I really hope the best for her! My dear Sue Yii, enjoy your holidays!

A little 'hi' to..... Chris, Doreen, Soon Ching.... "add oil!"..... Jo, *hugs*....

Cheers!

To go or not to go?

The weather was too beautiful to resist a stroll walk home after class eventhough I was sooo tired... and I'm so glad I did... the increased heart rate gave a nice warm feeling on my face and I actually feel a bit more energetic now.... I almost wanted to die in the auditorium just now out of boredom and also because I was very exhausted... the CME was soooo boring, except Dr. Gan the last speaker, who was very sensible and presented concisely.... Thank God.

My problem now is that what I want to do tonight... the little dilemma is caused by because I have to be in the wards for Dr. Annuar's ward round tomorrow and also because I have seminar with Dr. Hla Myint tomorrow! I'm quite disturbed now because I would really love to go for caroling practice tonight... Boohooo... But I really have so much to read-up.... *sigh*

If I go for practice, then I might be too tired to study tonight... Acute and Chronic Renal Failure are 2 really huge topics. And I haven't quite finish with my cardio topics.... but if I don't go, I'll be so miserable and may even regret it....

*thinking*

*thinking*

*thinking*

This is really a great challenge.... it's like trick question in exam.... don't go, then you're making a sacrifice for your studies, but then, if you go, you're balancing your life.... either way is good and acceptable, so what's the best answer?

*sigh*

I'll probably stay home tonight.... *sad* because firstly, I'm very tired physically... been up and about since 7am.... then there's the guilt issue of not studying enough.

But I'll really miss the singing, the laughing, the fellowship, the group praying... and I'll miss seeing Philip's little brother and sister (who are both in the group)...

*sigh*

I guess sometimes we have to make some sacrifices....

I pray that my studying would be fruitful tonight, and that I won't regret too much for not going for caroling practice.

For those luckier people out there, have a great weekend!

Cheers!

Ben & Wei Wei

Ben and Wei Wei's wedding reception was a somber occasion, thanks to the majority of senior citizens. But Wei Wei's really sweet and adorable, and she's tall! I was wearing 3-inch heels and still she was towering over me! But that makes her even more perfect beside Ben! Didn't really get to chat with Ben... I guess wouldn't have that chance... the couple's leaving for Johor this Sunday... that's where the bride is from, and where Ben's working now... I forsee that Ben may eventually just settle down in Johor...

Jo and I were just reminiscing about our school days and all... and we both sort of agreed that Ben was actually one of the last people we would expect to get hooked up so fast. :) Hehehe... no bad connotation to that... just that Ben Foo getting hooked up! Amazing! But I really wish him all the best. I had a warm feeling while I watching their video presentation on their lives and how they met and their wedding day in Johor... how we have all grown! Ben's like one the first few guy friends I had in school, and even after we all left school, we still managed to keep in touch... so that's really great.

I hope they have lots and lots of children! :)

This weekend I'm tied down with CCU... Dr. Annuar instructed us to be around for his wardrounds Saturday morning and Sunday morning! And I have to be on-call on Saturday night! Boohooo! And since he was only on-call next week, he insisted we join the next group for early ward round for the whole of next week! That means another week of 7am ward rounds!!!

I know it's good practice and all because when I start housemanship in about half a year's time, I have to sometimes be in the wards by 6am!! But the thing is now I'm so stressed out because there's soooo much to revise and even more to study... and even, even more to restudy because I can't seem to remember anything at all!

And today we had the whole morning of psychiatry and again I noticed Dr. Gan eyeing me... like what he did in 4th year... he always said that I looked sad or depressed when I was doing psychiatry the last time... so he always picked on me... but this morning he didn't ask me a single thing or even use my name for any teaching examples... he loved to do that last year. Maybe he saw that I looked very tired... which I was really... I even cut short my day today and got home early to rest for the reception...

Oh ya, I wore the same navy blue linen dress I wore for my ladies' night out last week! Heheh! So when Geryl asked me whether I settled the dress issue, I was pretty shy to reveal it just now.... but no problem now, hehe... wanted to actually wear a purple South China Sea dress I bought 3 years ago, but decided to save that for the Christmas party next month.... it's with sleeves so I thought that would be more appropriate for Christmas.

Luckily it's only like 10.10pm.... so about 2 hours for me to study tonight.... really feel like I'm always in the rush and in critical times.... I hope the next couple of weeks would just fly by and I would feel numb... that's what I'm rooting for.

Dr Mra acted up on her first bedside teaching with my group yesterday, according to my colleagues... thank God I wasn't there... and apparently she was upset witha few things... but when she replied my email, she was really nice and sweet, so I'm really confused.... I always have a feeling like I'm manipulating a time bomb whenever I'm talking to her... I really don't understand why she's so insecure.... she's really a very good physician, beter than most anyways, and she can teach really well.... she would be the perfect lecturer if she weren't so moody and volatile and laser-tongued.

I'm so glad that the lecturers, the old-timers in my faculty are really email-educated... it really saved me whole lot of time with arranging the classes and all... so I'm really satisfied with the group's progress today.... Prof Henry, Dr. Thomas, Dr. Soon all replied my email within hours and confirmed all their classes with me! For those less tech-savvy, I just have to reach them through smoking! Muahahahah! They are really hard to track down. But Dr. Soon gave me a surprise just now in his email when he replied in a very long and lectury manner... and he CCed the email to all the lecturers.... I was kind of embarassed... because I sent the all lecturers the same email, I just changed the names and the dates! *shy*

:)

Ok, got to stop here. Study time. And coffee time! Just now during the liaison psychiatry session I could answer all the questions on withdrawal state because I based all my answers on my own experience! Muahahahah!

Bonne nuit!

I'm not crazy

I'm not crazy after all. I now have a runny nose and a sore throat. So what I had this morning was prodrome to my upper respiratory tract infection.... *relieved* I really thought that I might be going crazy this morning.

But today's sick leave was really good for me. I got to study quite a bit, then I talked a lot with my parents, even my sister, and I just replied an email to Chris. My house is usually quite quiet... but I feel very happy the whole day... my parents didn't ask me a lot of questions about me skipping class... my dad only said that if I felt too tired then I should stay at home. But talked about anything and everything... just over dinner we were even talking about Jessie Chung, the transgender doctor who made headlines recently by marrying a Joshua Beh!

Muahahah! Sounds like Josh Beh, a colleague of mind!!! Actually the topic surfaced because my dad was helping out in the church office when an officer from JPN called up the office wishing to speak to the parish priest, but he wasn't in so my dad took a message... apparently JPN is in the process of calling up all churches to advise them to reject any marriage application from them!

OMG! I was just at her website and she's so pretty! Unbelievable! Sayang her website is in Mandarin...

Nevermind, if I want to know more, I can ask Kai Chin.

I decided not to go for Praise meet tonight because since I wasn't in the shape to go to the wards I shouldn't be fit for any other social activites, so I'll just stay home tonight I finish with my ECG revision and maybe revise a little on Psychiatry for tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have to be in the hospital 7am, then I have to rush to my faculty for a 8am-12.30pm class in my faculty! Talk about tight schedule! But I'm ready for tomorrow, no problem. Then tomorrow evening, Ben's wedding reception, and I still have nothing suitable to wear... nmlar... hopefully Dr. Annuar would make us stay until late evening, then I have a reason not to go... but then that would be a bummer too, because I've not met Ben for ages! And I'm looking forward to meet Jo and maybe some other friends I've not seen in ages... Ben's actually a school friend, known him since Form 1.

So it's off to my books tonight! Cheers!

Saturation point

I'm "sick" today... at least that's what I told my subgroup leader... so when my alarm went off at 6am and I woke up, I knew from the ache in my body and the tightness in my head that I didn't sleep well last night eventhough I dozed off on my book at around midnight...

I decided I couldn't make it to the wards today... my mind was spinning about what to do... should I just force myself to go and hope for the worst? Should I just take that chance and skip today and take a breather? I think I need it.... and before I know it, time was already 6.35am (had to be in the wards by 7am)... so I made the decision not to go, and sms my leader...

I knew that if I had gone, something bad would happen... I guess this is the first time I've made this kind of move... I decided to take a breather today. So I'm just going to chill out and study at home today. I need to recollect myself.

And after the sms, I went back to bed, and I felt so peaceful...

Ok, I shouldn't be ashamed that I was stressed out, eventhough I'm not sure what is the actual stressor... yesterday I met a friend in the library and she told me straight off (and in front of some nosey people) that I shouldn't be so stressed out... maybe she saw it on my face... but my response was that I wasn't stressed out. I just realized today that maybe I was ashamed... There's no reason to be. Different people have different stress tolerance levels.

I just never realized that I was so weak.. but that's ok... so now I want people to know that Sharon Chin is not so tough after all, so don't "expect" so much from me, or think so highly of me for that matter...

Now I wish I get to start a brand new life somewhere else, like a second chance...

But I know God is always knocking on my door, because everytime I say something like that, I always have a passing thought about Him...

It has always been like that... only when I'm in my darkest and lowest moments that I have passing thoughts about God... that's really just so sad....

Anyways, I promise to perk myself up.... do what I have to do today...

Cheers.

Low-life form

Was supposed to take a nap just now on my fav couch (which happens to be in front of the TV)... then my dad was watching the NGEO (National Geographic) Channel 52.... "Elephant Rage" was showing... and when I saw how a man used a hooked piece of metal tied to a a piece of wood to work as a handle, and hit the elephant on his/her forehead repeatedly to apparently make him/her do something and saw how the elephant winced and shedded tears, I felt so infuriated and naive at the same time!

And as I held my breath watching the rest of the documentary, my reasoning was getting haywired (by general selfish human standards)...

"Why should they culled the elephants because their numbers were getting too big for the area? When it's the villagers fault for impinging into their forest? Who are they to play God? Why don't they cull the villagers instead?"

"Why should they kill a whole herd of elephants just because they killed just 1 farmer?"

"Why are they so shocked with the killing rampage of the elephants? I thought they deserved it, after what they have done to them?"

"Why don't they think that 1 elephant life = 1 human life?"

My sentiment was of disgust and arespect for MY species... and I was so naive to be sooo shocked and so disturbed when I saw the documentary.... haven't I live long enough or haven't I seen enough to expect this from humans? Greedy, cruel, selfish humans...

I'm really so naive... I didn't cry like usual when I see animals in distress just now... I'm stronger now...

Whatever the makers of that documentary intended to achieve making the documentary, they sure achieved at least my renewed distrust and disgust for people....

God, please help me...

How can I be a doctor if I don't like people? It's really sickening.... I'm really fucked up...

I can just go on and wake up tomorrow morning and pretend nothing has happened, and go on like that because "what to do?"... typical...

What to do? There's no such thing as utopia.... only us and a stinky life...

Let's see what's keeping me going at the moment... Harrison's, my cup of coffee, caroling, Christmas, my tattoo.... that's all.

Is there anything to like about people?

I'm just not sure anymore...