Inappropriately happy

A colleague from another posting (my whole class is divided into 4 postings... Medicine, Surgery, O&G and Paediatrics) commented that there wasn't much joy in meeting each other anymore... you know what? He's very right.... in fact very profound for someone I've never known to have any much EQ... so when I thought back on the events of today and the people I met and all, I was delightfully surprised by his sudden profoundness, but then when it dawned on me, I was was also very disturbed with the "revelation", the truth, real life....

You see the 4 groups don't get to see each other throughout the year.... so I may not even see some of my coursemates the whole academic year!

And now everyone's feeling very stressed out and maybe a little bit unhappy here and there.... I really want to be unhappy because then I can blame whatever shit on being unhappy, but that's not what's happening... I'm still happy and all... relaxing here and there... catching myself psychoing myself about what's ahead in less than 6 months time.... if I don't make it.... if I make it.... if I don't make it.... if I make it.... things like that....

I thought I would be miserable and all because I had to give up Christmas caroling, and all the other church activites that I was so determined to get myself involved in.... I thought that I would be upset... but my mind's still very focused (maybe my body a bit lazy....) on the things, the immediate things at hand....

But now I know I'm lacking motivation, lacking the competitive spirit that I once had... maybe I've grown out of it... sometimes when I suddenly remisnis, it bothers me just a little bit about why I'm not feeling very motivated....

Have I given up?

Have I lost that sight of what it is I want from my life?

Or am I just plain lazy?

Whatever the reasons may be, I'm sure that I'm feeling still innapropriately happy, I think.... :) Maybe I just want to be wherever the wind brings me. I'm sick and tired of planning and setting goals.... for all I know I may just die tomorrow, and my organs have not even been pledged...

So now back to the most important thing in my life right now.... my books.... *sigh*

A bientot!