Mere contemptibles

I'm back.

I'm in one of those dark moments. I'm so used to be in one of these that I'm so comfortable with it.

I was just thinking what I've done to myself by doing medicine... What have I done to my once confident and vivacious self?

Honestly I've never felt so weak and burdened and even afraid... a lot of times I feel alone, like my family doesn't really understand me, friends that I've beginning to feel uncomfortable around, and God seems so far away, and yet I'm always trying to remind myself that "Hey, His right here beside me, isn't He?"

I've always had excellent self-image (sometimes even too good for my own benefit)... but recently I've felt very negatively towards how I look and how I present myself, very self-conscious, very concerned about what people think... having overvalued ideas....

Don't worry, I don't have suicidal ideations, unlike my sister who always says she's suicidal or something.... I don't want to die... I just want a fresh start... a new life... a new mind... maybe I just want God to just spill it out directly.... What is His plan for me? What is it that He wants me to do? Just cut to the chase.

I wish that my vocal cords are paralyzed so that I don't have a voice, so that I won't be noticed so much. In my mind, people notice me because I talk too much, I speak my mind... so I hope that goes away. Because now when I think back, I'm an empty vessel. Literally.

Deep? Insightful? Bullshit. I don't know anything.

I don't want to be like Susan the Accountant.

Possible overvalued ideas:

• I'm not cut out to be a doctor, even God may screw up sometimes, it's all a huge mistake...
• Raj keeps looking at me as if I'm angry at him, which I'm NOT, and I wish that he would stop it, without asking any question or making a scene...
• Some people think I'm so smart just because I talk a lot when in fact I'm sooo stupid... why? Is it because of my face? Then I hate my face....
• I'll always be fat... has always been, no reason why I won't continue to be so
• I feel those very positive and happy people pretend to be so to spite me... in fact they are just as miserable as me

Strange things happening around me:

• What's with the emotional outburst by Dr. Gan? It creeped me out.
• What's with my inacessant laziness and lack of motivation and deliberate procrastination... everyone in the rat race is running pass ahead of me... and I continue to run slowly, indifferent to the urgency of the moment
• I'm having fantasies of dying in a natural disaster... the tsunami came, saw and conquered... reducing everything in her path to mere contemptibles

There... I feel much better already...