I wonder if all the ungodly shift hours that I work will cause me to age faster? I feel tired and grey nowadays.

Talking about controlling the exercise aspect of my health, I can't decide what to do. I want to swim, but I'm worried about what chlorine can do to my hair and skin. I want to do brisk walking, but I'm paranoid about being stabbed in Sandakan. I want to stay indoors as much as possible in Sandakan because I just have the paranoid delusion that working in ED has made me a lot of haters that may want to hurt me, especially when I'm outside my elements, aka outside the hospital. Then I was thinking of going back to the gym, but I'm worried that I might find it boring after a while which happened the last time I joined the gym, and not to mention an utter waste of money. EXCUSES.

Shay, 8kgs lighter

It's been 6 months since my last entry, since Europe. Life after that was mundane because I made it so, and centred around work.

I'm secretly happy working in the Emergency Department because I'm a closeted adrenaline junkie, eventhough I openly show my dissatisfaction, my hormonal/emotional pre-depression mood swings, my lack of interest to interact with people at work, which are all true feelings. In my Utopia, I work in a high-paced and stressful Emergency Depatment, minus the lazy, bitchy humans. That would work perfectly well, but unfortunately my work is centred around lazy, bitchy human beings. Plus, the ungrateful patients and their family members. Plus how much a whore I feel working as a government doctor, as poignantly put by PL.

PL is now in Rome, mingling and getting exorcised by the Pope. I so hate her. I want to get exorcised too, and travel. But I'm addicted to my family and to my home, so I spend most of my leave flying home. There's no regret really going home instead of traveling. It's just that I really hate when it's the end of my holiday and I have to go through the trauma of leaving home over and over again each time. HATE.

The only great thing from this whole mess I ungratefully call my life at the moment is that I've lost 8kgs (17 freaking pounds!) over the last couple of months by just taking control of just one aspect of my health; FOOD. I've yet to conquer exercise. :) The lazy bug is much mightier than my will power at the moment.

Trust

I should not doubt myself so much.

Beautiful

TONNES have happened since my last entry. Life-changing no doubt. Eye-opening definitely.



Europe was the experience of a lifetime. It's a catalyst I guess for me to embrace the traveling bug that's hibernating in me. I want to travel more.

Black and happy again

My hair is jet black. Black again after 11 years of brunnette, red and blonde. Rav comments mostly. Rock, fresh, good girl. For me, I'm glad it just looks healthy.

OMG. My crush is married to the nicest and probably the prettiest nurse in the hospital. And she's 12wks pregnant. I'm not surprised he's married. Just sad a little because I realized I can't really compete with those pretty young things. And all the nice guys are usually taken.

But I'm trully happy in my life at the moment. Everything is going on for me, well except for the matters of the heart department.

Less is more

I broke my KFC resolution this week. Dinner plate, spicy. Damn.

Forensic is fizzling for me.

Flirting is fun, but I'm not very good at it.

No exercise, getting flabby. Aiks.

Crush

I really, really, really want to exude happiness in everything that I do especially in my work from today onwards. Because it feels more rewarding at the end of the day. I must learn this gradually because it's always easier for me to be aloof. Pray for me.

The happiest moments of my life today are those brief conversations and eye contacts with my latest crush, D. Ok, flirting.

The moment we saw each other at the beginning of the shift, I could see him a little dizzy and silly like a schoolboy. He would walk past me only to reverse several steps back to say hi and ask whether I was doing night duty (eventhough I was the only doctor oncall). Excuse to talk to me. Then he would try to make small conversations with me the best he could, and I would indulge him. I like that he always looks at my face with good eye contact and occasionally looks at my mouth when we're not talking. It's just something I appreciate from a guy because I notice my chest usually gets more attention than any other part of my body.

Lust

I really, really, really want to have a direction and a purpose in life. I'm worried that being so comfortable at the moment with my work and life, that I might be too complacent for my own good.

The happiest moment in my life today is to be able to fall completely in a deep sleep at 7.45am in the morning inspite of the sun after my night shift. I felt so rested after.

I'm feeling lust for someone I'm working with. And I know that he feels the same for me. He's always looking at me if he's at a distance, and at my mouth (I assume at my lips) whenever we are in close proximity. But it's just wrong, simple.

Cardioversion

I really, really, really want to be competent in my work and to provide the best health care that I possibly can.

The happiest moment(s) in my life to day are:

(1) Performing cardioversion for the first time in my life
(2) Eating 2 pieces of the yummiest chapati ever for dinner with fish curry!

Body scrub

I realy, really, really want to have a radiant complexion and a even more outstanding personality shinning through.

The happiest moment in my life today is spending 45mins scrubbing my whole body and feeling so smooth and supple after!

Vegetarian pork satay

I really, really. really want to be drop-dead gorgeous, both inside and out. ;)

The happiest moment in my life today would be the non-stop chatter session I had with my housemate. More like bitching session, that is, but it's damn therapeutic. xD

I was telleing PL that I could control th eworld with my breasts. Needless to say she was disturbed.

Then I had for the first time in my life, a vegetarian pork satay.

Key questions

What do I really, really, really want?

What is the happiest moment in my life today?

Change my mantra.

Boo

St. Paul's Ruins, originally uploaded by sharonhappymorgue.

Haha ok now half of my resolution list is no longer applicable/practical. Let me explain why later.

What a beauty

Panasonic LUMIX DMC-G1, originally uploaded by takuhitosotome.

*drool*

Happy

I'm happy now. Because I'm beginning to enjoy my work very much. And I don't think about Mr V on a daily basis anymore. The trip to Hong Kong helped as it was great way to experience new experience and open up my mind. Now I'm so looking forward to Europe.

I haven't submitted my CV because now I want to give emergency medicine a shot for some time. I enjoy the resuscitation bit and all.

My "I was in Hong Kong!" photo

Hong Kong in 3 days

The non-stop rain sends chills down my spine. I think it's probably only about 24-26deg celcius. xD How on earth am I going to survive 8-18 deg celsius Hong Kong? Haha. Can't wait.

I'm very happy with my current work at the moment. I admit being too impatient in the beginning when I started working. Now I have to shamefully pretend not to remember that I made my unhappiness known to several people. Several key people. xD

I haven't send my CV. After Hong Kong. I find myself looking at other prospects. I don't know. Singapore looks quite attractive.

Someone queried why I would want to do Forensic since she noticed that I enjoyed clerking patient and investigating.

Hypoglycemia

The hospital director announced during the houseman meeting that I was the Casualty and Forensic MO... so funny! Hahaha! Yes, I've been appointed to assist a Paediatrician to "manage" the coming housemen... had the first meeting today... I actually became the intermediary (is there such a word?) for the admin for housemen because I was the most junior MO there and just left housemanship recently. :) Anyways, since I'm not the main person in charge and it's a pediatrician who I know is very capable, so I decided to take up the challenge, after all the scheming to avoid the responsibility.

I saw a man in his 50's today who was brought in by family members for abnormal and agressive behaviour since last night. He has underlying hypertension and diabetes on treatment. Otherwise he was appparently well, no fever, just woke up in the morning and started to talk nonsense, punched his cousin once, falling of the bed, refusing food, beating his chest like a gorilla, farting loudly and laughing loudly after farting. After stat doses of haloperidol and diazepam, and physical restraint, we finally managed to get his blood for investigation. His blood sugar level was 1.5! IV D50% 50ml was administered immediately. He became completely normal after 10mins! OMG.

I've officially broken up with Mr V. :) I'm a free woman. I can smile again. xD

To heal a broken heart

My heart pounded like a stampede by a passing herd of wild buffalos and butterflies flutter excitedly in my peritoneal cavity. When. I. Saw. Mr V.

I saw at a distance when he was crossing the narrow road from the old ward building to the casualty building. I instinctively adjusted my collar and pulled back any flyaways back onto my newly washed and fluffy and perky hair, and quickly glanced at my reflection on the entrance glass door.

My heart called out to Mr V, wanting to tell him that I've missed him terribly. He didn't see me, so he kept walking and finally into the building, and quickly was out of my sight.

A pang of regret. Which quickly became a relief. Which in turn became a transient heartache. Which finally became resignation.

Don't worry, it takes time. No one is expected to heal from a broken heart very quickly.

Laws of attraction

So I received a prompt reply from the forensic institute director asking for my CV and making no gurantees except a promise to write a recommendation to KKM to support my transfer to KL. It's a start, and as usual, I'm hopeful, except that doesn't rectify my current situation fast enough. (o.O <=== the disturbed look)

I don't know why I feel so unhappy working in the emergency department. I feel grossly under-utilized. The only thing I gained from my brief time there is seeing the "true colours" of the referee on the other end of the phone. Now I know who's lives I'm going to make a living hell whenever I get a chance.

"Don't get upset, get even." (xD <=== the lemak laughing look)

Now I guess I have to be a little patient. I'm giving everyone the whole of January to sort things out. I'm going to send my CV. Then I'll wait for the hospital director to make her move. After I'm back from Hong Kong, I'll start pestering everybody.

Plan B would to accept the placement in Medical, yes OMG a stint as a medical MO. I'm contemplating whether I should talk to Mr V about my intentions of going back to Surgery. I know in my heart that he'll do something to get me back but do I really want him to? Maybe this time I'll just do everything myself.

Yes, talking about Hong Kong, I'm not particularly excited at the moment because my work situation is taking my time and concentration, but I'll psyhe myself in the next few days or so. I need to contribute a little to the plans and activities when we are there. So far, I've left everything to my travel mate, and so far she hasn't complain, but I don't want to feel that I'm a parasite.

The other thing, I'm interested to pursue the concept of "Laws of attraction", hence my resolutions and love list on the side panel for me to see every day.

Now it's the right time for the laws of attraction to do their stuff.

The first crossroad for 2009

The new job wasn't actually as I imagined or envisioned. I know, I know it's been only 3 days. It's worse than JPL in terms of seeing the type of patients and the stoooopid shift hours. It's sooo disgusting that we work just a few hours in a day at the casualty when our colleagues work like doggies in the other departments. It's quite bad for self-esteem. Besides, I'm so so disoriented with the shift hours and soooooo bored during the extra free hours waiting for my shift.

So I did a drastic thing today. 2 drastic things actually. Firstly while waiting for my 10am shift today, I wrote a long email to the forensic institute director in KL, asking for a placement in the institute. I subtlely hinted by middle of this year, but if he was to tell me that there's an opening next month, I would gladly pack everything and move on to greener pasture. Then at exactly 4.30pm while waiting for my shift to end at 5pm, I called the hospital director and went straight to the point about not being happy in the casualty and requested for either placement in anaesthesia or back in surgery OMG I know. The director will consider.

So now my life again has reached a crossroad. Over the next few weeks or so I need to make life-altering choices, once again, and it's so scary exciting.

2009 Resolutions

Before talking about resolutions, very appropriate to reflect a little on 2008.

In terms of career and job satisfaction, 2008 was a pretty good year with my exodus to Sandakan. Totally enjoyed my 6-month stint with the surgical department, though the year started slow at JPL. Effective 1 Jan 2009, I'm making my move to the casualty department. I pray I would find it more challenging and more stimulating, just like how I like it. :)

In term of personal goals, I have no regrets because I started off last year with the aim of just getting new experiences and just taking the time to decide what I want to do further in this field. Though now after one year, I'm still not sure of my future path, I'm still excited and motivated to thread on.

If there's one aspect of my life that I regret in 2008, it would be pertaining to matters of the heart. I just hate myself for allowing myself to fall in love with Mr V again, only to realize once again, that I couldn't have him. It's like I'm thick at the head, stupid, unteachable.

So my simple resolutions for this hopeful new year:
1) Travel as much as possible
2) Work smart, not to be too terribly selfless
3) Keep my hair long!
4) To make a career move by the 2nd half of the year
5) To pick up photography again
6) To socialize more, time to look for a mate :)
7) NEVER to fall for Mr V's charms ever again
8) Read more
9) To take care of myself better, a little more vanity in order
10) Eat healthier