Parasite

For the past 3 weeks, an adolescent male cat (see pics below) has been trying to be "adopted" by my family. He gave my mum a shock of her life around midnight 3 weeks ago, while she was watching Spanish soap, when this cat ran down my staircase and caused my dog to go crazy, barking her lungs out, and waking the whole neighbourhood.

We never knew how he got into the house.

Then a couple of days later, he suddenly appeared at my bathroom window while I was bathing (yes, stark naked, you bath with your undies on at home?)... anyways, I almost died of fright because he's quite huge as you can see in the picture... he sat on my window latch... luckily the glass is not totally like see-through... but still it was freaky... reminds me of Audrey when we were camping out in Mt. Singai... she refused to go bath in the girls' dorm toilet because she said that the spiders kept looking at her... muahaha! I thought it was cute because she was genuinely disturbed.

Then a couple of days later, he sat on my dad's car and looked into the house, with his 10-cents expression (direct translation from a local malay expression, "muka sepuluh sen").... my dad as usual lar said that we shouldn't encourage him or give him hope that we would adopt him, but I know he secretly leaves extra food for him after Miss Jelly (my schizophrenic cat).

But he disappeared for a few after that when I threatened to send him to Sam's... my sis' boyfriend, who coincidentally was hoping to adopt a kitten... needless to say, my sis said that Sam would probably think that "Parasite" (my mum couldn't do better with a name this evening during dinner when I suggested to name the fella for easier reference)... was kinda big for a kitten. *?*

Then today, he was so desperate that he jumped into my backyard, where Stryker, the hamster-shredder and chicken-slayer resides. Though he's blind, but I'm sure he's sense of smell is still in tip-top condition...

Parasite "landing" inside my backyard... Stryker was just like 6-7m away...

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I immediately shooed him back onto my neighbour's shed roof...

Me offering Parasite "ikan bilis" and pieces of chicken...

Then I tried to convince him to stay on the roof by offering him food... I left some food on the roof... He looked contented after... hope he doesn't try that stunt again.

Not even his 9 lives would save him if Stryker gets hold of him.

I hope to convince Sam that Parasite's still a kitten.

Cheers!

Pheobe's 5 today! (5x7=35 dog years!)

Getting Pheobe was kinda of a rebound thing for my parents back in 2001 when our Dino died because of internal haemorrhage after he swallowed some plasticware. For weeks my parents, my dad especially wasn't quite himself... then one fine day... I remember it was in March... my uncle called to say that he spotted a litter of dachshunds in a pet shop somewhere in the city... my parents just dropped everything they were doing, packed me into the car and drove to the shop to "just have a look" of the puppies... Only 2 puppies were left when we got there, one black and the other Pheobe. My mum picked up the black puppy because she thought my dad would loved another Dino (who was a black dachshund mix)... but my dad took one look of the sleepy brown furry worm at the corner of the cage and asked my mum, "How much cash do you have with you?"

The rest you can guess.

What a great Valentine story. :)

Oh yes, Happy Valentine's Day...

Did you know that my middle/baptism name is "Valentina"? :)

From my album (18) Ginger

In memory of Ginger Boy (1996-2004)

Ouch.

Finally got to review my results with my mentor... and boy nothing else could have spoilt my day even more spectacularly.

"You failed your MCQ badly... really bad..." Dr. Chan revealed.

"I expected it Dr. Chan..." I responded almost immediately, but couldn't help wondering how one could fail "badly"... what's worse than failing? *wonder*

"You didn't fail marginally, you failed by quite a lot..." he said very simply, and focused on my face.

Shit. My heart felt like it dropped off from the thoracic cavity.

Then he went on and on about what strategy I should to be taking for my professional exam. But I couldn't really listen. Even though I knew I did the paper really badly, and that I never expected to pass, the reality of it hit me hard just now in the tiny office. That's the kiasuness setting in. I was thinking where I would stand in my batch of 28.

"But you scored so well in your OSCE, MEQ and long case... you even got a distinction in your long case..." he said, in a tone that sounded like he was trying to console me, but at the same time having a rather baffled look.

Knowing even that the 3 papers combined helped me pass the whole posting, and belittling my disastrous MCQ, I was definitely not comforted and not happy.

It's one thing to fail, but another to fail "badly". It's also embarassing? There must be a reason why my mentor chose to highlight my MCQ first, yes?

Then Dr. Chan went on and on about how MEQ and OSCE and clinical showed that I had good practical knowledge, but maybe lacked theory knowledge and stuff. And even worse, he tried maybe, in the last minute, in the last desperation, to try to alleviate my demoralization... said that "good" students usually don't score well in MCQ because they read "more" or "too much" that they tend to overanalyze... compared to "average" students who usually could answer without thinking over the answers too much.

I shot him down by saying that I was neither. I've never even came across some of the topics that were asked in the MCQ. Simple. And he just kept quiet. :)

It's ok. It's part of a medical student life. I'm kinda bummed, but I've learnt to get over these things pretty fast. I just need to be able to focus on the positive things... and of course I need to thank God for passing this very traumatic posting...

And now what I need is lots and lots of motivation and will power to just survive these final 4 months... God please....

I HATE FIRECRACKERS!

My Cap Goh Mei dinner was kinda stressful because my dogs were barking away because of our guests and also because it's a war zone out there. I hate firecrackers. Never played them as a child, and so grateful to my parents for their sensibility... it's stupid and absolutely a waste of money buying and burning the crackers... not to mention dangerous.

I hope one of the kids get their hair burnt by a piece of the cracker... then he would remember better not to play because of the smell of the burnt hair can be quite denerving.

At least I didn't curse them worse, like losing their digits or eyesight.

I believe the world would be a better place without firecrackers. It's such a horrible disease.

I know that we would be more civilized if we don't play firecrackers.

If they need something to chase ghosts away, they could try mooning.

I'll make it one of my life's mission to eradicate firecrackers from the world.

Start today. Start by pinching or twisting the ear of the rascal in your neighbourhood who's burning the crackers like nobody's business.

Good night people.

From my album (17) X-red

Happy Cap Goh Mei!

Photo Journal

I'm realizing a dream of a photo journal... at this period of time it's more like a stroll down memory land... but I hope that when I get my new camera I'll start it for real.

I've actually filled up 8 CDs full of photos eversince I started with my first digital camera in 2002, and also I've scanned selected prints to be stored digitally... on top of some pictures of specific trips that I've burnt into separate CDs.

Officially now I can say that I have a hobby. It never occured to me that what I've been doing was a hobby... stupid girl.

So it should be "photojournaling"? Or since it's on a blog, "photoblogging"?

Whichever. It's so much fun whatever it's called. :)

February is a birthday month... I was just looking through my Friendster list and noticed easily about 20 people are celebrating their birthday this month. My doggie's on Valentine's Day, and my mum's is on the 27th.

Yesterday, Mun Foo and Pei Ling both celebrated their 25th year of existence. Many happy return of the days guys!

And today it's another colleague's big day... Happy Bithday to you too Yek Song!

And of course, I'm extremely happy too because now there are more people joining the the BIG 25 group. :)

Yes, I was doing it again, I was stalking again for the past 2-3 days... and shit I think I may have blown my cover, so I had better not go into any details first (even though I'm itching to, but I don't want to jeopardize my current mission) until I'm sure that the course is clear... :) It won't be too long.

Happy Cap Goh Mei to those who want to embrace this little tradition. It's a dinner tradition to me mainly, no idea whether it has any other significance, besides it meaning that the celebration of the Lunar New Year is over and hence no more house visiting...

Have a good rest everyone!

From my album (16) A tribute to the Freesizers!

From my album (15) I kick ass

I'd rather not mess around with me.

From my album (14) Mum and Dad's Wedding

My mum's gorgeous, isn't she? :)

From my album (13) Signal Hill

Signal Hill in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah... provided me with such a spectacular view!

Beauty is skin deep. Urban legend?

It's already Friday but I don't really know what has happened for the past 5 days, really. Orthopaedic is very interesting, but I don't fancy the ward and the environment that much, so that's a bummer. I know I won't exactly have the priviledge of liking or not liking anything when I work later...

Oh I passed my medicine posting. The results are not officially out yet in the sense that I've not asked my mentor to collect my results for me... but I know because the group sort of know who didn't quite make it (I'm not one of them)... so that means that the rest of the group made it. No joy and happiness at all in the group, which I thought was very thoughtful and appropriate... because we all knew quite well what it "could" have been like ... everyone kept rather quiet and solemn during the afternoon class this afternoon when the news broke out about our results... and one of them slumped on the chair beside me and started pouring her heart out about how she was sort of expecting her results... My heart went out to her, and I didn't know how really to console her, because one thing we weren't that close to begin with... and I was so surprised that she chose to talk to me... maybe she wanted to share it with someone she wasn't really close to... I really don't know...

My day stretched until 7.30pm today... after my afternoon trigger, we had a special lecture/quiz with an invited paediatrician, supposedly from 5-7pm, but she was 40mins late, so our session extended to about 7.30pm... didn't get to have dinner with my family and my uncle Jon, so they just had something packed for me on their way home...

I was actually kind of planning to spend my day in the hospital tomorrow to complete my procedures and get some cases for my case summaries, but when I got into the car when my parents picked me up from the faculty, my mum was already going on and on about where she wanted me to bring her to buy the things for Cap Goh Mei... so I think I may just have to postpone the hospital thingy for another day... nowadays I really sort of cherish my time with my family especially my parents, because my heart's set on leaving Kuching in a couple of month's time... don't get me wrong... I don't really want to leave Kuching, I just need a change, and I'm thinking that KK would be just the thing for me. I was asking Hema about it just now... she seems very interested, but I guess she's also quite unsure... it's a tough thing really to decide.

Sometimes it kills me to think of leaving my parents behind. Soemtimes I wish I could leave them sooner... you know the works... but I'm always constantly thinking about my poor mum who has Rheumatoid Arthritis, and that these 2 decades or so would be her remaining best, so it kills me just thinking about leaving her. But she's very supportive... she's already talking about going down to KK with me if I get the posting, to help me settled in and stuff... I'm not so concerned about my dad... he can live without me... I know he can't live without my mum, but me... he'll be alright.

People always say that children are supposed to leave their parents when they are all grown up and start their own lives and families... but why do I feel like I would be an ungrateful child if I leave them? *Sigh*

I hope things would be clearer when the time comes... yes, yes, I know... why don't I pray about it? When I'm ready...

On a lighter note... I was just telling some friends that I was getting this motivation to loose weight for health and vain reasons... it suddenly occured to me what was important and what wasn't... my priority has sort of gotten reshuffled... and just this evening a colleague commented that I was looking prettier, so I thanked her but remarked to Adeline, who heard the compliment that I'd rather have the colleague compliment on my weight loss (if any) than on my looks, anytime... no matter how I try to psycho myself about beauty being skin deep, we still live in a very superficial world, sadly. I believe (not an overvalued idea) that I'm being passed for great opportunities because of my weight. I'm sore about it in some sense, and I won't pseudogratify myself that I'm happy with my "looks"... but I want to make it happen, I want to have a better control of my body. Period.

So that's all for my rantings tonight (this morning I mean)... cheers!

From my album (12) Graceful Monster

Another one of my work that I was very proud of... took it with my under-1MB camera. This was taken behind a little workshop in my campus... come to think of it I really now have no idea what that place was... all I remembered was that one time my bicycle got loose some parts so I wheeled it there because I saw some men fixing some machines and trucks... so ever since then I would cycle pass it every day... back to the subject of the photo... The first impression when I first spotted this huge tree was UGLY... but against that sky and the clouds... it was just so graceful... hence, the name "Graceful Monster"...

From my album (11) Goalpost

That's (L to R) Jane, Wilhma, ME and Wendy goofing around at Tanjung Purun Beach. :) I thought Wilhma had the best on guard pose... the rest of us just looked pretty sissy.

From my album (10) SMK Tebakang

Looks like something from a movie set... gorgeous right? It's actually taken in SMK Tebakang, about 15 mins drive from Serian Town... it's a huge hostel school, maybe 6-8 times bigger than my old school here in Kuching... this little bridge connects the main school compound with the teachers' accomodation on the other side of the lake... so beautiful and so serene... I actually saw tiny frogs jumping from one water lily leaf to another... this section of the lake had predominatly white lilies... the other end of the lake had mostly pink lilies... one of those "I love life" moments... :)

From my album (9) T1 & T2 at Tanjung Purun

Taken during the last weeks of college (2000) at Tanjung Purun (if I remember right) in Labuan... let's see if I remember all of them correctly... seated right in front is Benedict, 2nd row (L to R) Wendy, ME, Jane, Shirley, Connie, Lydia, Yonne, Dollie, Wilhma and Linda... then the last row (L to R) Adzuandy, Zul, Hasber, Yogesh, Airy and Arthur... wow that's a feat! Have not seen most of them since college... Not in the picture is Roslan, who climbed a pretty tall tree to snap this photo!

From my album (8) The Red Dragon

(L to R) Mun Foo, Kai Chin, Chiun Pheng, Kee Hoe, ME, Hema and York Tien. I love this picture more for its colour than anything else! Taking at Brunei's Jerudong Park, in front of its infamous "Pusing Lagi" roller-coaster... silly name actually... I call it the Red Dragon... One of the guys went "Oh my head!" while pressing his abdomen after the ride... that's how good it was! :) I almost didn't make it on that ride because I wasn't big on all the amusement park rides and stuff, but I succumbed to peer pressure... still have occasional nightmares...

Yak.

I thought ortho clinic today was fun today, except that the 3 of us (Adeline, Connie and I) agreed that Dr. Chan, the orthopaedic surgeon was kinda wacky and innapropriately happy?! Then again, it's just sooo miserable us (me I mean)... I was kinda jealous that Dr. Chan was so perky and so happy... cheh... Dr. Chan's actually my mentor for my final year (because my other 2 mentors have retired or left the faculty)... so I'm not very well acquainted in that sense that was hoped between a mentor and his or her mentee... the intended bond is not there... and I guess since it's my final year and I have about 3 more months to go, I won't be making any efforts...

I hung around in the wards the whole day today but thought that I didn't learn much... maybe I should just stay home tomorrow to study... I'll see how it goes tomorrow morning... We had a bedside teaching with Prof. Pan this afternoon, and as usual he never disappoints the students... you know he's so clear and concise and he's soooo super nice and even humble... it's such a rarity in the field you know... and even though I was extremely tired just from lepaking in the ward the whole day and standing so long in the clinics and all, I felt that I gained something from Prof. Pan... too bad I got to the clinics a bit late this morning, so I didn't manage to fight my way into a slot at his clinic... next week...

So Dr. EggHead (or the one malingering as a doctor) told the new group today that my batch was the best batch of the 3 batches of students so far from the recent exam... at first I thought he might be sarcastic and all, but later maybe I thought because my batch is quite even out, not that we were so good, in fact the previous 2 batches had all the class' creams :), my group had all the "within the curve" students... and also the fact that we have Adeline to make the group look good... :) He told the students that Adeline scored 88% for her short case! That's really amazing... I mean that's really something... wonder how I did? Hope I did not pale too badly to her 88%... Dr. EggHead said he failed student with 5%! That's sooo disgusting of Dr. EasterEggHead! He actually derives pleasure from giving exam and failing students... he's usually quite grouchy and all, but his mood usually picks up when exam's around the corner, and he would be going around psychoing students, reminding them that he only passed 1 of the 14 students he took from the previous batch, etc... that's both neurotic and idiotic.

I hope he falls and cracks his head, and the egg yolk would seep out and get cooked on the hot tar road.

There, I've said it.

Cheers people! Have a productive day tomorrow!

From my album (7) Soyabean

This is Soyabean, my bike for 2 years in campus, served me well... but I also didn't wear skirts for 2 years because I had to cycle everyday... when I moved down to my new faculty building in Kuching, Soyabean was kept in my backyard for almost 2 years when my dad gave it away to one the workers who did some renovation in my kitchen... he said his 2 sons wanted a bike each but that would be too costly... so my dad just wheeled Soyabean (without my knowledge) into the man's truck... I was sad at first but thought that Soyabean would be making some boy happy...

From my album (6) Perspective

This was taken with my very first digital camera, which was an RM200 under-1MB camera... so that time I was a little obsessed with taking pictures... I was just taking anything and everything, anywhere that had enough light... I could not shoot with it indoors mostly if there wasn't enough light... I think this was taken after one of our quizes... I managed to convince a few of my colleagues to run around campus under the blazing sun to take some pictures! We ended up having a blast! Thanks Adeline, Connie, Mooi, Yang, York Tien and Yek Song!

From my album (5) In front of G1

(L to R) ME, Jane, Wendy and Wilhma... posing in front of the boy's hostel in our college in Labuan... MISS YOU GUYS LOTS!

The ortho ward

I would say that my oncall didn't turn out so well... I was sooo overwhelmed by how crowded the ortho ward was just now... and it was so unbelievably hot! And the familiar odour from my 1st experience in the surgical ward from 3rd year... Poor patients... and each patient had average 2-3 relatives around them, their body heat contributing to the unpleasantness... the hospital's really not strict at all with the visiting hours... people just walking in and out, noisy too... the conversations and the handphones (aarrgghhh!)... I couldn't even talk to all my allocated patients... only managed to talk to 2 of them... so I figured since I couldn't do much, I packed my stuff and left... planning to go earlier tomorrow morning to check out the rest of my allocated patients.

And there's this very consultoid houseman who tried to "boss" us around, but fortunately she didn't make it very far because she's too busy... she's such a joke... remind me NEVER to make such an ass of myself when I start my housemanship.

I'm better off studying tonight. Besides I have clinic tomorrow morning...

On a lighter note, I discovered that Yang was a photography buff today! I never knew... we were in the same posting for the 9 months and I never knew... I was actually hiding away in the Paeds room studying when suddenly he appeared out of nowhere (my faculty's big you see, so it's quite a coincidence that we chose the same place to study) and we just started catching up and suddenly we both realized that we're into cameras and stuff... so I think we chatted about cameras for close to 2 hours??? Very disturbed...

He has the Panasonic Lumix FZ20! So he's rooting for the FZ30! But I guess my heart's set on the Canon S2... it has more of the "gimmick" features I would use instead of the more technical and "pro" or SLR-like FZ30, which by the way cost RM400 more! But I'm in the process of checking out the other Panasonic models... and I'll probably pay Yang a visit this weekend to check his baby out.

And finally of course today poor Raj was telling me about his brush with shameful racism here, here in Kuching... I was appalled, but tried to not to be worked up about it... I didn't really know how to console Raj... just hopefully my listening ear was comforting enough for him...

Good night!

From my album (4) Sg. Padas

Braving Sg. Padas, Sabah in 2004... one word... EXHILIRATING!

The Usual Suspects

Finally my dad got hold of "The Usual Suspects" on DVD for me last night... pirated version from Kenyalang... hehe... and I though I immensely enjoyed it, and of course I immensely loved Spacey in it, I thought the overall movie was just slightly above average... something I would have gone to the cinema to watch, but it didn't create any extraordinary thing for me, like Braveheart or Life is Beautiful... It's simple, witty and funny actually. :)

After all the hype...

Anyways...

At least I feel like I've finally started my posting today... Prof. Pan gave a really interesting slideshow and I thought it was great revision... now at least I have a list of something I can focus on in my revision and study tonight.... oh ya, tonight, before that I'm oncall! It's ok. The orthopaedic ward is less stressful in my opinion, so oncall or any extended period there doesn't bother me that much...

Now waiting for a 3pm class, so thought I just drop a line or 2 before lunch... cheers people!

From my album (3) Ginger Boy

In loving memory of Ginger Boy (1996-2004)

From my album (2) Jimbo

My first doggy, Jimbo, a dalmatian and pointer mix...

From my album (1) Form 4

Standing from left: Josephine, ME and Cynthia. Then below from left: Davina, Jane and Cindy. One of my favourite photos taken during Form 4 outside the Physics Lab, I think, or was it the Biology Lab? Whatever... We were a crazy bunch... Remember when Mr. Teo sprayed water at us for talking away during his class? That was cool...

Just a little hitch

A little hitch to the start of my posting today. None of the 4 or 5 lecturers we have showed up for the posting briefing this morning... so we all sat in the accreditation room for 2 hours and waited for the next class, and of course the lecturer couldn't make it eventually, he was in the OT... I'm sure some of my friends who flew back from West Malaysia this morning cursed and sweared as they made their way back to their hostel... and as I made my way home, quite delighted with the day off, so to speak... :) Have something on mind that I need to get settled.

All were not lost this morning... caught up with some of my friends... entertained thoroughly by Raj and his antics. We were going on and on about the Aussie Open... muahaha! It's always fun to chat with him because of our passion for the game, and of course because we are both equally bitchy when it comes to the game! :) No mercy for Justine Henin-Hardenne!

So about the thing on my mind, yup you guessed it, it's still about the camera... so now I'm online still checking out some issues of the cameras that came up during my conversations with some friends this morning. So it's basically just down to the FORM FACTOR. Everything else is kinda sorted out.

After this is back to the books... Apley is kinda cool... so no reservations about studying it... happy new posting guys!

Cheers!

The form factor

Pre-posting psychotherapy

While snapping away, I was imagining myself with my new Canon Powershot S2 IS... then suddenly I thought that I should seriously consider a more compact camera, because it would be easier to bring around, but I'm so torn between the form factor and the 12x OPTICAL zoom of the S2... shit... can I have 2 new cameras? :) That's the reaosn why I should act on impulse more often or else I would embark on this endless debates and analysis in my head. My parents requested me to think it through properly, and now I really think it's a horrible idea.

So I'm starting Surgery posting tomorrow... mixed feelings... happy? Yes, cause I kind of like Surgery. Scared, definitely... it's my last posting as medical student, which also means that my professional exam is drawing near.

Just want to wish my colleagues a happy new posting! Lots and lots of luck to us yeah?

I was telling my parents that I want to step up my exercise regime a little... maybe I'll start walking to hospital/faculty as well on top of walking home... the previous arrangement was for my dad to send me in the morning and then I walk home in the evening... but I feel progress is a little slow... and I have many risk factors for IHD. My dad thought it was an excellent idea, but mum... she said I would get too sweaty and yucky for class... so I'll sleep on that thought tonight and see on which side of the bed I wake tomorrow.

Mass was awful just now... there was no band only one very old organist who played so painfully slowly... and I had this horrible bout of headache... then later I bumped into Eleanor and Fred Teng and his family... his 2 children were beautiful, Isaac and Faith, but my mum was not impressed with their unbelievable hyperactivity and high-pitched screams and laughter...

She later made me promised never to subject her and dad to taking care of my children or my sis'... so I promised her I wouldn't...

"Only the occasional nights when you have a dinner function or something... that's ok... My life expectancy would surely be halved if I have to take care of children like those..."

That's just my mum...

She continued, "You and Karen were never like them... you were both so well-behaved... always sitting quietly through mass and family dinners...."

I was beaming... silly I know, like it matters... :)

Anyways... just yakking... better stop here... want to spend these last couple of hours psyching myself for tomorrow...

Cheers everyone!

p/s: Enjoy the pctures!

Pheobe chilling out on her couch...

That's me chilling out on my couch...

I just love the light in this picture...

That's Miss Jelly, my cat with schizophrenia, hiding out in the store room... my mum now calls her the store keeper...

That's Pheobe checking out my sis' new goldfishes (2 died this morning)...

That's Grandpa Stryker... 14 dog years (14x7=98 human years)... oh ya btw, he's blind...

My beautiful family...

That's Pheobe on guard duty...

Living the moment

Today while shopping with my mum, a lecturer from the faculty called my handphone... and I switched it off. I didn't care what she wanted me to do. It was still my holiday. I really don't give a fuck what she might say come Monday. It was still my holiday. For some reason I felt robbed with that phonecall even though I didn't answer it. I'm crazy a little.

I'm actually on a shopping frenzy (yeah, I know what shopping in Kuching, but I don't have any other choice) in hope to get some new clothes and shoes and all the works for a gal. But nothing much came out of today... now I'm seriously contemplating on KL for my next holiday. I need to buy new things.

My parents promised me a new digital camera soon. I'm contemplating Canon Powershot S2 IS... decided not to go for SLR after all... I don't know shit about the technicals of a digital camera... so I may look silly with a SLR... btw, I don't even know what SLR stands for...

Oh ya, my mum was at a goldsmith in Carpenter Street and was trying to get me to choose a necklace or something in gold or white gold, but I refused because I find them too old-fashioned, so my mum was kinda disturbed and maybe a little bit disappointed because maybe she thought it would be a mother-daughter bonding thing... but I just couldn't pretend... she couldn't understand why I would wear plastic, glass, wood, etc... cheap jewelries... and after that she indirectly made me promised not to sell off her jewelries when she dies... this I promised her... I'll keep the family heirloom no matter how ugly they are.

I guess I'm just a person of the moment. Not much regard of the past, nor any much reverence for the future, anymore.

What a great holiday!

Cheers!

3 more days

I'm not letting my little futile quest in getting hold of "The Usual Suspect" dampen my rather marvelous holiday. I spent the whole day visiting several shopping complexes in the city to try to locate the DVD, and by 3pm, I realized that I've exhausted my resources, so I figured that it meant that the movie wasn't so great after all, that's why I wasn't meant to watch it. :) I ended up buying some more earrings and a pair of very pretty sandals. :) *beaming*

I was also imagining that if I start earning my own money, I'll revamp my whole wardrobe, buy a special cabinet just to store my earrings and realize my dream of getting some more tattoos to complete the "back". :) I was just checking out my back this afternoon and realized that it would take quite a huge piece to cover it (considering my broad shoulders)... so now I might just start thinking and researching for a new piece. I vow to get it done as soon as my last professional exam ends in May.

But I have to keep in mind of my dress design for Jo's wedding... don't want to expose a highly inflammed back during the wedding or the reception.... have not thought about it, so I better plan both together... YAY! Now at least I have a mission.

I still want to stick to tribal... but probably personalize it like my first one. I actually got a crazy idea to tattoo someone's name this afternoon, but luckily my sensibility slapped the face of my impulsiveness... and snapped me out of it... luckily I didn't have the cash, or else I could have taken the car and drove myself to the tattoo studio this afternoon.

I can't believe that it's already Friday tomorrow. 3 more days before I return to the craziness that's my life. I hope this holiday would infuse in me some new strength and aspiration... you know, something to help me want to embrace life and all its challenges again, I have to to... I pray very hard to God for that.

Cheers!

The Shrine of St. Peter, St. Peter's Church, Padungan

The blogging power

Strike One! Speedy's not selling "The Usual Suspects"... the salesperson kindly flipped through some of the older DVD section and said that it must have "finished".

No problem... Empire wasn't open just now, and there's Kenyalang :).... nm... I'm learning to be patient.

I heard from a friend just now. I thought I detected a little cynicism when he was talking about blogging... cause I was asking him whether he had a blog and he said a BIG NO! He said that if he wanted to send "personal" messages then he would email or send a letter...

It's fine... my own sister also accused me of being an exhibitionist when I wanted to start my blog (now she has her own blog)... muahaha... I know it's too irresistable... we're from the same gene pool..

So anyways, I was indirectly telling my friend my experience with the whole blogging issue... in lesser words, I explained how much empowerment I've gained from blogging... how feeling bitchy and conceited and self-serving were quite therapeutic in many ways for me. :)

It's funny but I'm still thinking about Philip. I was wondering what would have happened if I had grabbed him in the car and kissed him that night? Would I have felt even better if I did?

Gosh, now I'll never know.

Cheers! I'm still enjoying my one-week break! :) Yipee!

Had a wondeful dinner at Merv's place last night. The ambience of his place for the dinner was just gorgeous... food was superb too... thanks Merv ans Sheryl! I didn't bother to build up any interest in the highlight of the evening though, gambling... just not my thing... I'm just too lazy to arrange the cards and all. But had such a wonderful catching up with Vic, and old friend from school... we were just talking about life to sum it up, about her hubby and her 2-year old son, Joshua, her struggles, her crosses... how eye-opening... and what did I get at the end of the night... that nice tingling feeling in the gut... a high just short of euphoria, a feeling that there's always light at the end of the tunnel, a feeling of hope.

Maybe I'm just pushing it... :)

This is my way of hoping and praying that somehow the DVD of "The Usual Suspects" would just drop on my laps soon... hehe...

I feel brand new!

I sort of had some degree of initial insomnia last night because of all the sugary food I was eating before bed, and of course because of all that's unfolding in my life right now. But for the first time in 2-3 months, my sleep was undisturbed throughout the night... no more nightmares (that leaves me waking up in the middle of the night like some with Paroxysmal Nocturnal Dypsnoea, and the whole day after wondering what's going wrong in my life at that moment.... and yes, they are definitely nightmares because I don't have amnesia after... I could remember the details quite vividly)... No more palpitations, no more thoughts of having a new life, a new identity.

Yes, I would say that's it's been quite bad for the last couple of months, but all are preparing me for what more daunting ahead in a couple of months time.

And today I feel like brand new!

Cheers!

Philip Chin

The adventure continues...

I thought my little Geryl bring-along this afternoon to Jo's place and little meet-up with Linus (the celebrity, aiks) would be a great idea... but I couldn't help feeling a bit disturbed with Geryl ending up very quiet and looking very uncomfortable... I felt that I've put him through quite an ordeal, but he assured me after that he was fine about it... I thought he would hit it off at least with Linus, who's suppose to be the chatter, the ice-breaker...

So very sorry Geryl! But enjoyed your company today, though you loooked a bit fazed... I only saw that spirit and sparkle in your eyes towards the end of our coffee-session when we were talking on and on about movies and stuff, which I was so enlightened! Now I'm desperately trying to get hold of Usual Suspects. :) Wish me luck!

Just for the rest of you, I'm looking for the DVD of the movie, "Usual Suspects" starring Kevin Spacey! *SCREAM*

I've forgotten about it the other time when it was highly recommended by MY Dr. Teh. :) Tomorrow I'm going DVD-hunting! But maybe most shops would not be opened yet.

OK. Now for the latest milestone in my life!

Philip Chin (the "love" of my life... in inverted commas because it's literally abstract) is finally out of my system! I've finally got to talk with him, be in the same breathing space with him for once, without feeling uncomfortable (and without him feeling overly uncomfortable too, which was the impression I've always got from him)... Linus arranged that I pick him up from his place on the way to visit Linus' place... I did most of the talking anyways...

Refer to my blog post of 13 January 2006, when I was talking about Philip... I even told Linus that I dreamt about him recently and thought that it was a sign that I would be meeting him soon... and what do you know?! When you wish something hard enough, it may just come true. :) I'm still feeling a bit dazed now.

He's sooo different now. I mean he still looks cute to me, maybe a little daddy-looking, more buffed up and all, not so skinny and scrawny, a biker I heard... but still talks funny, wearing kind of funny clothes, more assertive I would say.... and he's got tattoos! Lots of them! I almost died just now when he showed them off to me and Linus. They were not very pretty, but he had like easily 6 huge ones all over his body. It's amazing because I remembered that he said body-piercing was disgusting... any body-modifying stuffs were disgusting.... and now look at him.... senseless, haphazard, permanent tattoos all over.

People do change, a lot. And I was listening to him telling Linus that he's always been interested in body art.

And he was asking me in the car why I was still in contact with Linus... is it because he's a celebrity? I almost fainted too with that question. I was't offended, just wondering why he was having that line of thinking... but then I remembered Linus saying that Philip was also one of those who had been keeping in touch with him. And he was so defensive of Linus when I insulted him... I mean I know Linus would appreciate brutal honesty, and that's why there's no tapis-tapis business in my business.

Anyways, it's what I've been praying for. I need to move on. I need to dispel that fantasy I had been having of Philip all these donkey years. He's just a normal guy after all... not the god that I've fashioned him to be in my own mind. He's just Philip Chin, who's touched my life and helped make me into what I am today. And for that I have to thank God for his existence in my life, and I have to thank Philip himself for just being himself.

Since I'm here might as well I reveal this thing that I've not told anyone before... when I was in college, there's this girl that could "see" the future... many students would make their ways to her apartment and ask her to "see" their future...and her specialty was in love and relationship... and she described exactly how my "story" with Philip wopuld end... exactly how it ended tonight.... and also how I would not believe her and would continue to harbour feelings for this guy until today.... and she was right all along....

And hence that chapter of my life is finished from this point onwards.

He only has my best wishes!

OMG! Look how 2006 is turning out to be!

Of course I'm not forgeting Daniel Wood! MOst interesting character.... most interesting life too! I wanted to tell him that for what it's worth, I thought he's leading a very writer kind of life.... and I terribly envy him.... you know that saying "the pen is mightier than the sword"... tell me how many people can actually say that about their pen? :) He's like one of the greatest writer I know personally.... I remember that one time when we were corresponding through email, I had to repeatedly check my mail to make sure that there were no grammatical or spelling mistakes! Imagine just an informal email.... that's just how much regard I have for this guy and his writing.....

So what a great day.... now topping my very exciting affair with the Aussie Open and Baghdatis!

Sleep tight everyone.

Fairytale

Though the outcome of the Aussie Open didn't sway my way, I'm not less happy, in fact my dad was confused.... "Who are you supporting anyway?" he asked when I cringed as Federer neted a half forehand volley...

"I don't want Marcos to win just because Federer play badly... I want him to overwhelm him if possible with his smart game...."

But of course for those who already know the outcome, Baghdatis "succumbed" to the master himself.... Federer cooly survived a shocker opening set loss to come back strongly, without looking back.... Baghdatis loooked so weary at the end, but his fairytale journey at the Aussie Open still has a floaty-floaty feeling in me... making me feeling very nice and high.... it's such a dream.... making my one-week break most enjoyable, except when I woke up this morning realizing that Aussie Open ended yesterday...

Now I'm waiting for the French Open.... can Juan Carlos make a comeback? :)

It's been pretty warm these couple of days... so I'm pretty lazy to leave the house, but later making my way to Jo's place... can't wait to see my Godchildren! :) Hehe...

Maybe a little shopping after that, but don't know whether anywhere that's open. Doesn't matter...

What a great holiday... *beam*

Cheers!

Will it be Federer or Baghdatis? Let the best man win...

Happy Chinese New Year! It's the year of the dog... my kind of year... :)

Just want to wish a few buds of mine who's been out of sight for a while... but definitely not of out the mind... Wilhma and Wendy in KK and Jane in Sandakan! And not forgeting Sue Yii in KL!

And of course to my buds studying with me, you know who you are... will be missing you guys during this one-week break...

To everyone who wants a 2nd chance at making new year resolutions!

Cheers!

Marcos Baghdatis of Cyprus! Catch him in action against Federer in the 2006 Aussie Open Men's Final on Sunday!

OK!

I would say my clinical exam went ok, better that I imagined and feared, so that's great. Got an easy long case... asthma, but of course complicated by early-onset hypertension... but I felt that I managed to talked myself out of the situation just now.

For my short cases, I got Dr. Xavier! I was kinda nervous at first but of course profesionalism prevailed! Hehe... You see I used to have a crush on Dr. Xavier until he lost 20kg and swapped his thick black-rimmed with contact lenses! :) He was my Dr. Teddy Bear back in 3rd year, when he looked nerdy and was moody but extremely passionate with his work... nowadays he acts kinda cool and composed and looks kinda dashing (and a teeny-weeny bit conceited)....

Anyways, I thought I did ok because I didn't make any major mistakes. And right after the exam, he immediately gave me his feedback, which I thought was superb because most other examiners leave the students feeling dumbfounded and baffled sometimes after clinicals... so I thought that was really very professional.... I think he got that from Oxford... yup he's an Oxford graduate, known for his high standards... which I don't really mind even if I get a lousy mark because he was considerate and he tried making the exam as condusive and as comfortable for both patients and the medical students.

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

By the way, I got a pleural effusion and stroke for my 2 short cases..... phew! Nothing exotic like another colleague of mine got last rotation... I think it was a case of neurofibromatosis with phaechromocytoma. Wow, that's disturbing.

Anyways, now I'm just chilling out... have to finally give in to my mum... brought her shopping this afternooon... then got home and helped her with dinner... tonight I'm just going to chill out! *beaming*

The only unfortunate thing at the moment is that my Marcos is trailing Nalbandian in the Aussie semis... shit. And I think he might not play his way out of this match... he looks kinda flat... feel so sorry for him... all his 5 setter have finally got to him.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a Federer-Baghdatis final on Sunday.

Cheers!

No boundaries

My kind of guy...

This is Dimas

Feline schizophrenia

Yes, today OSCE questions were a bit more, like what Chris said, "answerable". Thank God, but still there were a few stations where I couldn't answer most questions confidently. But that's now over.

So now I'm home to my Aussie, Aussie, Aussie Open! Grosjean vs. Kiefer... and I purposely left my laptop connected to internet to get the latest scores, because actually what we're getting so called live telecast is delayed a couple of minutes, so that's not acceptable in close matches. :) I know I'm a bit crazy these couple of days.

I was strucked by something a friend said last night. "Hey I thought your faith is stronger than mine!" Then went on and on about praying and religion. I just didn't have the energy to engage in any debate.... but luckily too... because now I realize that I'm not wrong.... who in the world know what's faith for sure? I don't think that it's a simplified as what how he put it, compare it and gauge it.

It's something too much more complex and even more mysterious.

And why should he (or anyone for that matter) gasp when I said something that may reflect that I'm doubting myself and even my faith?

It's only human that I have my ups and downs.

Anyways... by the way I just realized that my cat Miss Jelly might be schizophrenic. Seriously. Her body language, her paranoia, etc.....She keeps running in and out of the house, always lloking behind her shoulders... gets startled easily, fear in her eyes, hiding behind the sofa, now taking refuge in the store room. Even my dog can't help looking at her with some puzzlement.... but my mum said it's a sign that she might be dying.... this was based on her observation on all our cats in the past. She's not in pain or distress... eating well, shitting and peeing ok..... my dad says that she's just probably senile.

Miss Jelly is about 10 years old, but still looking cute and fluffy. Miss Jelly's mum, Miss Piggy (who now lives next door) has been around since I was in Primary 3! That makes her.... 15 years old! OMG. No wonder my mum says that she might be a witch or a ghost. She's pretty fiesty for an old lady. She eats crushed cat food because she's lost all her teeth.

Anyways, back to my Aussie, Aussie, Aussie Open! Go Marcos!

Cheers!

Feeling romantic

I really don't know what to study for tomorrow, or revise for that matter. Medicine is just so vast, just so like that line where the earth meet the sky in the horizon.

And for the exam tomorrow is a 10-station exam. And I don't want to make the mistake of spotting questions. Even though today I spotted amazingly 2 out of 4 of my MEQ, I still couldn't answer them very well. ACS and stroke. Chronic liver disease was also intergrated, but that was ok. And of all things, the other 2 questions were on gout and acromegaly. I know these 2 subjects only superficially, so the pharmaco and physio aspects went down the drain.

MCQ was the worst of the 3 papers today. I can honestly say that I might as well flunk that paper, because even if I did pass it, it's pure sinful luck.

But the best thing about post-exam today was that I felt really bad only for like 5mins... after that I was fine... even helped out mum with dinner, slept on the couch, replied all my emails, watched TV, read through my corrected case write-ups and oncall reports by Dr. Hla Myint, etc.

So how am I preparing for tomorrow? Aussie Open! Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!!!!

Marcos Baghdatis rocks! This cypriot is my new hero.... so I didn't quite appreciate it that Raj refered to him as the "baggy guy". Hmmpph!

Now I'm praying for a Federer-Baghdatis final! It's like all my troubles in the whole is gone when I watch him play... *dreamy* You know, watching a wonderful match of tennis is a very profound and romantic thing for me, and no exam in the world would stop me from this indulgement.

So I'll be flying blue and white tomorrow (flag of Cyprus???) going into my exam.

Cheers!

Quite a disastrous day

Day 1 of End of Posting (Medicine) Exam.

Papers were tough. Didn't feel good doing it... didn't feel good after, either. Actually quite disastrous. *sigh* Story of my life.

I was even thinking that Medicine might not be the thing for me halfway through my MCQ paper. I has so much time left because there were quite a handful of the questions that I just couldn't answer. No clue. Nada. Zero.

I just hope to scrap through this posting because my friends from Surgery told me things would be better there... I truly hope so... I do prefer surgery to internal medicine (where the doctors are more full of themsleves).

Tomorrow OSCE. Then Thurs short and long cases. Still some more chances to redeem my self.

Then hoprefully after Thurs there will be some more left of me to enjoy CNY and my overdue 1-week break.

*fingers crossed*

I'm a quarter of a century old today!

And I'm loving it!

I have zits

I have zits. Shit. Stress. Shit. Exam. Shit.

Don't worry. Nothing new.

Dr. Annuar. Shit. Why is he such a pain in the ass?

Glad everything's settled with the visiting lecturer. Now I can do my own stuff in peace.

Wish me luck ya. Good luck to my colleagues too.

(I have poverty of speech and thought at the moment)

What was he doing in the office on a Saturday morning?

So I was sending in my oncall report in Dr. M's pigeon hole this morning around 8.30am... then suddenly...

"Anything? What are you doing here?"

I turned and I saw a lecturer... I know he's a lecturer, but not his name... he used to man the campuc clinic in Samarahan.... unfriendly guy.... poor eye contact.....

"Oh I'm sending in something to Dr. M... I wanted to meet her too...."

There's a lecturers' office just a stone throw away from the pigeon boxes... I wanted to talk to her about our elusive neuro sessions with the visiting lecturer on Monday....

"I don't think anyone's here.... you should not be up here... you have to meet the lecturer downstairs..." he said without looking at me...

"Oh, ok...." Then I walked off...

A couple of things went through my mind.... when I went knocking on Dr. M's door, I heard down the corridor music coming from some other lecturer's office... faint but it's music.... maybe it's his... maybe he thought I wanted to steal printing paper... maybe he was surfing a porn web site and was afraid I might accidentally "hear" it or see it.... maybe he was masturbating or something....

Hmm.... students see the lecturers all the time in their offices.... nm... whatever.... I've known Dr. M to be in her office on Saturday mornings... that's why I gave it a shot and knocked on her door...

Anyways.... just bringing some some Saturday morning juice to everyone!

Cheers!

Busy, busy times... exam's just around the corner.... studying frenzy.... no time to even update my blog... because I feel guilty spending the time I do blogging.... but this entry is an exception. Spent the whole day reading and reading, and wondering how much will get retained... wondering how all the HO struggled through their final months in medical school..... then thinking about what my life would be in KK later (hehe... counting my chicks before they are hatched)....

And Dr. A is not making my final 2 weeks as Posting Leader any easier.... he's refusing to reply my email/sms to whether the invited neurologist (he promised many weeks ago) would take us for our neuro sessions next week.... my colleagues are pressuring me for answers and Dr. M is pressuring me for another class, which I'm glad to have with her but I don't want any messy clashes, and everyone gets "offended".... I guess only my coursemates would understand the circus that we're studying in.

I even forgot to submit my oncall report to the faculty today! When I realized it, it was already 5.45pm, so I figured I'll just drop it off tomorrow morning.... no harm done.

Then last night, after my battles with my books... I had the most wonderful dream in the whole wide world.... but should I mention real names??? *wondering*

For some reason I dreamt about my crush from my school days... and it was so vivid... his face and his voice were so real, and I could even remember each and every single word he said in my dream.... No, I'm not going crazy.... in fact when I woke up this morning, I felt so happy and so motivated to study.... it's like I've fallen in love all over again.... only wish that it was real instead of a dream.... hehe...

I even remember this part when he was talking to a friend (actually a current coursemate, who in real life does not know my crush) about the one quality of the girl he wants to marry.... and he said, "Someone who loves children..." and he glanced over to me....

Of course in real life I would just faint (and wonder whether I real love children), but in the dream I was so composed and had that reaction/feeling of like, "Wow, that's what I would like my guy to be too...."

Then suddenly I dreamt that we were at a camping ground, and he sang and played the guitar.... *melt*

Then we were at a mutual's friend's wedding reception, seated at the same table... chatting, catching up with old times....

*dreamy*

I know, I know I sound ridiculous, but isn't it wonderful to have such a mind-altering dream! Hehe... Anyone who knows the secret of dream interpretation, fill me in on what my dream may mean! I mean, I mean, why was it so vivid and so powerful?

And why him? I have not seen him for what 3 years? 4 years?

Bonne nuit beautiful people!

Tonight Japanese buffet, my uncle's treat, again! Since we (except mum and dad) enjoyed it so much he decided to treat us for an early Chinese New Year dinner (because he couldn't get reservation for the next 2 weeks...)

So I'm very excited, and have been saving up for tonight. :) Typical Chinese?

*daydreaming*

"Salmon..."

Anyways, had 2 really great sessions with Dr. Mra this week... wished we had gotten her earlier in our posting... I don't know really what to say, except that I love her style of teaching... I can follow her train of thoughts very well, but of course I have to ignore all the other elements of feeling inadequate and even stupid....She said that some of us are just not "teachable"... nope... she used the word "trainable"... hehe like training doggies...

"2 or 3 of you don't need our (lecturers) service.... 30% of you can be trained... but the rest of you are just untrainable!"

She was infuriated about something just now... we were all very scarred... the class was silent...

I know that Adeline, Josh and Chee Shee are her "2 or 3"....

So am I trainable? Hehe...

You know, medicine is a cruel field.... the people in this field are so fierce and so protective of it that they have this automatic mechanism to run down anyone that don't think like them... even when they meet their matches, they still go all out to undermine each other....

Reminds me of newborn Dingo pubs in a litter trying to kill each other, even with their still unopened eyes... but that's a natural instinct to increase their survival chances....

As for the doctors, why would a Physician undermine a Surgeon, or a Paediatrician undermine a Obstetrician?

Patients play 2nd fiddle to all that... sad huh? You should see how some of the doctors treat the patients... even I feel very embarassed.

Doctors are some of the most unpleasant people around nowadays, unfortunately.... and I'm to join them in a couple of months time....

Sometimes I really don't know what I'm doing...

*sigh*

In the mean time, I'm just taking everything step-by-step.... reading quite diligently.... beginning to love my Harrison's (hopefully not too late...)... but I wish I'm praying more... and I wish I was blessed with more neurons... it seems like I have a lot of information in my head, but have no idea how to use them.... very frustrating you know...

Ok, I want to snooze for a while, what a treat you know...it's been a whiel since I had a free afternoon.... maybe read-up on some stuff after that before... before I prepare for my Salmon feast!

Cheers!

Relaxation therapy

I'm feeling so much better today... :)

Even the extended class today with Dr. Mra until 6pm didn't hamper my spirits... got home and even helped mum with dinner... had a hearty meal and the whole family settled in to watch Steve Irwin and Jeff Corwin in action! My kind of heroes... wouldn't mind marrying one of them, but mum's not impressed... she thinks that they are very unhygienic with all their wildlife adventures (eg. examining animal excrement without gloves, wrestling with alligators in the swamp, hugging primates, wrangling snakes, etc.) That's just mum.

Oh no.... I was searching for some Kevin McKidd pictures when I stumbled on a male celebrity nude page... very disturbed but at the same time quite intrigued! Muahha! :) *blush*

I think those human work of art only make up 0.001% of the population.

Luckily I was searching for McKidd's pictures... at least I know now that I was just smitten by the charater Bothwell on Gunpowder, Treason and Gunpowder (GTP)... he looks pretty sickly in his other pictures, skinny some more! OMG. On GTP, he was buffed up, had a very manly and brutish voise, (which I found quite a turn on) and he had a most beautiful scar on his face!

*swoon*

I know, I know... hey that's my relaxation therapy. :)

Anyways, didn't find any really nice pictures other than the one I've posted earlier, so I'll just keep it that way.

Now to continue hunting...

Bonne nuit!

THANK YOU!

If there's one thing I can say that I appreciate more than my life right now is the group of great friends that I'm so priviledged and so blessed to have.

THANK YOU.

God has answered my prayers (not really prayers lar because I didn't really pray that much recently...)... for a sign. A sign that I wasn't alone. A sign that there's more than what meets the eyes. A sign that there's still hope. A sign that I'll be ok.

THANK YOU.

Chris, Doreen and Soon Ching took me out for a get-together this afternoon. They actually got me cake for my birthday! 2 weeks in advance! :) Because on my actual day, 23 Jan, we all will be having our end of posting exam... and by the end of the week, all of them would be flying home for the Chinese New Year. It's so sweet of them to remember to share this moment with me despite the craziness of our lives right now.

THANK YOU!

Better morning

I just slept and slept last night. Didn't bother to wake up at my 6am alarm. Didn't bother to make it to CCU to wait on Dr. Annuar. There's really no point... he's just a bully. He's always complaining that we don't know shit, but he's constantly stealing our time...

Yesterday I was in the wards 7am onwards... and when he made his grand entrance into the CCU at 7.18am (the 1st of the last 2 weeks) he expected all of us to be waiting on him... I was in the female ward following up on a patient who was to be discharged that morning...

Anyways, he just made some noise and something, but I'm not bothered....

Doc Martin on Hallmark was kind of a disappointment. Didn't make me think, didn't make me laugh, didn't make me go "Hey, that's so cool..."

Now waiting for my parents for our usual weekend morning breakfast. Have to savour all these moments... may not have them in a couple of months time. Then later lunch with Chris, Doreen and Soon Ching. Can't wait. Miss chatting with them, even though actually I'm not really in the mood to chat. It's the company I love.

Then when I get back, have to start on my case presentation for Dr. Mra's rheumatology session on Monday, and also get started on my on-call reports... due next Friday...

Mere contemptibles

I'm back.

I'm in one of those dark moments. I'm so used to be in one of these that I'm so comfortable with it.

I was just thinking what I've done to myself by doing medicine... What have I done to my once confident and vivacious self?

Honestly I've never felt so weak and burdened and even afraid... a lot of times I feel alone, like my family doesn't really understand me, friends that I've beginning to feel uncomfortable around, and God seems so far away, and yet I'm always trying to remind myself that "Hey, His right here beside me, isn't He?"

I've always had excellent self-image (sometimes even too good for my own benefit)... but recently I've felt very negatively towards how I look and how I present myself, very self-conscious, very concerned about what people think... having overvalued ideas....

Don't worry, I don't have suicidal ideations, unlike my sister who always says she's suicidal or something.... I don't want to die... I just want a fresh start... a new life... a new mind... maybe I just want God to just spill it out directly.... What is His plan for me? What is it that He wants me to do? Just cut to the chase.

I wish that my vocal cords are paralyzed so that I don't have a voice, so that I won't be noticed so much. In my mind, people notice me because I talk too much, I speak my mind... so I hope that goes away. Because now when I think back, I'm an empty vessel. Literally.

Deep? Insightful? Bullshit. I don't know anything.

I don't want to be like Susan the Accountant.

Possible overvalued ideas:

• I'm not cut out to be a doctor, even God may screw up sometimes, it's all a huge mistake...
• Raj keeps looking at me as if I'm angry at him, which I'm NOT, and I wish that he would stop it, without asking any question or making a scene...
• Some people think I'm so smart just because I talk a lot when in fact I'm sooo stupid... why? Is it because of my face? Then I hate my face....
• I'll always be fat... has always been, no reason why I won't continue to be so
• I feel those very positive and happy people pretend to be so to spite me... in fact they are just as miserable as me

Strange things happening around me:

• What's with the emotional outburst by Dr. Gan? It creeped me out.
• What's with my inacessant laziness and lack of motivation and deliberate procrastination... everyone in the rat race is running pass ahead of me... and I continue to run slowly, indifferent to the urgency of the moment
• I'm having fantasies of dying in a natural disaster... the tsunami came, saw and conquered... reducing everything in her path to mere contemptibles

There... I feel much better already...

Dyspepsia

I guess my new year didn't kick off very well... it's manifestating as my old friend, dyspepsia. I'm a bit depressed and a bit frustrated, but that's just one of the thing about being a medical student, in my book. I can't speak for everyone.

Let's see... I really hate my group. I hate medical posting. And oh ya, I hate what I've put myself through. I just don't see the point anymore. Oh ya, I still hate Lien Chong San!

Continue later...

LIEN CHONG SAN: The Face of Evil

I cannot help but doing my part of immortalizing this savage's face! He's the infamous dog abuser from Selangor. I won't repeat on my blog what he did to his dog, Sheena... just type in his name on Yahoo Search or Google to see his rep sheet... or click here. I'll always remember his face and his name. Stupid man.

Object of my fascination: Kevin McKidd

Kevin McKidd as "Bothwell" in Gunpowder, Treason and Plot: Mary Queen of Scots

*swoon*

What would 2006 bring into my life? Or rather, what do I want from 2006?

Happy New Year everybody.

I want serenity first and foremost. The rest are just icing on the cake. I want serenity because I want to still be able to look at myself in the mirror even when I give up, when I'm at a lost, when I fail. I want to be able to tell myself, "Hey Sharon, it's ok... it's not the end of the world... move on...." I want to learn to embrace the not so wonderful side of life.... and hope something's gained from the experience...

But I also want to be deliriously happy, however idealistic it may sound. Happy even when I fail, and even happier when I succeed.

As for new year resolutions, only one resolution actually, to be more hardworking! :) I've been sooooo lazy.... and I want to learn to be more accountable for my actions... I noticed I have been making excuses for my shortcomings. That has to go.

These weren't thought out over new year's eve or something... it's been a hope and aspiration that were supressed, but now I finally spill it all out, and click on the "publish post" button of this entry and hope for a miracle to happen.

*fingers crossed*

So how did I usher in 2006? By having dinner with with my parents and their friends, even though my heart wasn't at the round table.... before dinner I took a long walk in the weekend market in Satok and looked and checked out anything, but in the end didn't buy a thing.... then I took the car and when "shopping" at a few places in the city.... what I was trying to do was to rediscover the joy that this activity used to bring me... no chance... I've grown out of it.

My last 3-4 hours of 2005 was spent watching "Mary Bryant" on Hallmark... what a great movie.... it was inspirational and romantic.... I even imagined myself torned between the cheeky and handsome William Bryant and the tall and dashing Lt. Ralph Clark! Hehe.... then I found myself challenged by the heroism of Mary Bryant... what is my so-called "predicament" compared to what she went through? Where the hell did she get all her will and strength?

And that's why she's today a legend in her own right.

And just before attending mass today, I was watching the epic movie on Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots.... again I couldn't get out off my couch... I was totally entranced by the upheaval of her time and her torrid love affair with James Hepburn, the 4th Earl of Bothwell.

I can't explain what is it that I'm doing or going through... a little bit melancholic... a bit nostalgic... shrouded by romanticism....

Or maybe I'm just a sucker for romantic movies, especially those in the Georgian era of England... I fancied myself in one of those BIG dresses, wearing corset (hehe...), plunging necklines, ballroom dancing, tall, handsome lords, dukes and all the king's men.... infidelity, torrid, torrid love affairs... must have some been quite an era. :)

Anyways, now back to the 21st century, more accurately 1 JANUARY 2006, I am just Sharon Chin, the measly medical student, struggling with her studies, her lack of confidence, her fear of the very near future, now trying to make a new start for the new year. The gal, who occasionally self-pities herself and refuses to let insight talk senses into herself. But she's trying...

Happy New Year once again everybody! May all your dreams come true!

Bonne nuit!