Feeling sadistic

Firstly, I want to welcome Pei Ling to my blog! :) She purposely asked for my blog address this afternoon, after she heard about it from "word of mouth". Hehehe... no problem... the more, the merrier... just always remember that all readers must read at their own risk. :)

There's really nothing here. It's just musing by a bipolar medical student who's hobby is to run down any stupid people and injustices in the world. But I'm not in the same category as Josh Beh, mind you.

For Pei Ling's sake, I'm going to demonstrate a little... for example, I usually blog about anything that may have caught my attention today:

• Pei Ling personally asked for my blog address... that's cute... she heard that it's "interesting" from Chris
• Then Yang said that I write "bad" things about people (direct translation from Mandarin), to which I disagreed... I write "relevant" and "salient" things about people who deserve to be written about
• Then Yang also blew Kai Chin's cover by announcing that he's my No.1 reader...let me quote Yang... (but translated from Mandarin)... "If Sharon starts a newspaper, Kai Chin will be the first one to buy a copy"
• A 1st year juniour approached me to ask me to write a 3-page report on my elective for the faculty's magazine or something like that... she showed me a copy of the last issue... quite nicely done, so at least if I write the report, I won't feel that my story would be published in a yucky magazine or something like that... instead, it would quite an honour... problem now is that it's been like 7months since my elective, the "feeling" has long evaporated I would have to say... but I promise her next week... see lar what I can "goreng" this weekend
• I had my PAKS just now (aka. mid-posting assessment)... not so bad lar after all... I talked and talked and didn't let the King of Confabulation the chance to confabulate, so whatever I get, I feel victorious already... :) muahahaha!!!
• Oh ya, just now after my PAKS around 12.30pm, I was stucked in the parking lot for about 20mins because the stupid and inconsiderate people that parked around me either have lost their stereoscopic view and didn't leave enough space for me to drive my car out of a parking lot, or they just didn't bother how much they would trouble other people... I would love to think the former, but it's most probably the latter, knowing local drivers here.... fortunately, a man (who belongs top the former group) came out of his vehicle to help direct me out of the lot.... he also almost gave up actually, but after a few reversing and forwarding, and also a little bump with the cars in front and at the sides, I finally made it out of the parking lot
• Should I next time park and occupy 2 parking lots to avoid this similar situation again? After all people here also don't appreciate people parking orderly and properly... hmmm...

So Pei Ling, you see... it's just like this... I just write and write about everything and anything whether they are beneficial or not.... nevermind, since you're here, might as well, make use of the links on my page... I highly recommend them... and if you, or anyone else for that mater have any other interesting websites to share... let me know.... I may just link them up....

I wonder whether I would get to blog next time when I start my housemanship? And if I'm in Sabah, I wouldn't have Streamyx like at home... hmmm... that would quite sad actually... I wouldn't have anywhere else to bitch....

Which brings me to my next subject, which I'm not going to elaborate... but I thought I bring it up just to share what it's on my mind a lot recently... I know, I know it's a bit premature, but I still can't decide where I want to do my housemanship... Kuching or KK?? Being the practical person that I am (cheh...) I've listed down the pros and cons.... but I still don't know.... In the beginning of this year, my heart was set for KK... but towards the 3rd quarter of the year, I was thinking that I would rather do my housemanship in Kuching.... but for the past 2 months or so, I'm having strong feelings about going to KK... so I really don't know....

I guess I just need something to keep me here or something to draw me to KK... whichever.... I hope God would show me a sign to help me make that critical decision....

As it is now, my true motivation for KK is INDEPENDENCE, and of course I want to lose weight and be fit.... and when I come home everyone would go "Wow..."

Ok, I meleret too much already today... lots of work tonight... trigger and case presentation for psychiatry tomorrow.

Cheers!

Keeping up

I'm truly one of those nerds who swear by the imperativeness of the internet, at least in the context of my medical studies. I find that I never ever could finish one book before getting outdated by the internet. I just bought my 2-volume Harrison's Internal Medicine slightly more than 2 months ago, and today I was told that the information on a certain topic in it was already outdated. Frustrated, yes. I was revising a topic this afternoon and realized that what I've just begun to grasp (a concept, I mean...) have already been revamped, and now I have to get acquinted to the new "approach"... I imagine by the time I get used to this new one, another may just beat me to it again...

That's the nature of what I've pledged my life to do...

I spent close to 4 hours online today just to revise for my little clinical assessment tomorrow with the King of Confabulation. In moments like these, the traditional books seem lacklustre. I love the colours and the animations and the varieties that the internet offers. I guess the only disadvantage is that it lacks strructure, and there's always the risk of unreliable sources....

Anyways, don't want to bore everyone, except that my point is that I know I can't live without the internet. Period. I know you can chuck me in deep jungles or isolate me in a desserted island, but give me internet access, and I'm sure I can survive quite long.

A colleague of mine from another posting and I were chatting over late lunch about our medical studies... and I realized that with the "approach" my faculty has adopted.... "self-directed learning"... we spend a lot of time on our own, learning and making mistakes along the way.... to put it very crudely, they place a tremendous trust on us to make ourselves into competent doctors... they just chuck us in the wards, keep their fingers crossed, give us some exams, and hope and pray that we turn out ok at the end of our final year.... 5 years....

But I'm not sure whether that's adequate.... I'm sure we would eventually all "get it"... but how the hell they know that 5 years is the cut off point for competency?

I know I should spend all this pondering times for my revision, but I can't help feeling anxious and weary... I can't help wandering whether I should be allowed to handle people's lives in 6 months time.... it's sooo daunting.

Ok, that's just what I usually think about in the midst of the hustle and bustle of my studies...

Wish me luck!

My "last" Christmas

My Christmas hardly turned out the way I imagined it to be.... not better or worse, just different, and I loved the unexpected twist...

Before that, let's observe a moment of silence in rememberance for the victims of the Boxing Day Tsunami last year...

*silence*

Next agenda.... thank you guys for all your Christmas wishes and cards! I thought we've grown out of all, but I really, really appreciate all of it.... it's really always the thought that counts. :) *touched*

Christmas Eve was amazing... locked up my lazy bone in the closet and spent the whole day in the kitchen to prepare for dinner... and everything turned out sooo pretty and delicious... so that's really something.... I was expecting a lacklustre dinner because I just didn't envision anything that might be different.... won't trade it for any other way.

Unlike my planning from last Christmas, I didn't make it to Midnight mass this year, went for evening mass on Christmas day itself... almost didn't make to church because I wanted to visit Hema, but mum made such a fuss about it, so I gave up, and eventually attended, eventhough I felt unprepared and unworthy... but I secretly and quietly thank my mum for nagging me yesterday...

Then after mass I suddenly thought about Geryl, who said that he would be spending his Christmas evening in the hospital with his aunt and uncle, and some of his newfound friends...so gave him a call, and we spent the whole evening over coffee and catching up with all our stories.... thanks pal! Really appreciate your company! :)

Then today, for the first in the 5 years that I've known Hema, I finally made my way to her house for a little Christmas visiting.... met all her doggies! Love Kitikia the most, with her BIG, really guli-looking eyes, and a bursting waistline! Hahaha! So cute! Managed to chit-chat with my dear Mun Foo on the way to Hema's place some more, eventhough not as much words as I like were exchanged between us... muhahaha! It's always so frustrating to talk to him. I wish he was a little more exciting, and teeny-weeny more interesting, but I can tell that he's trying.... he's come a long way since the first time I spoke to him in 1st year. I wish him all the best in his future undertakings. He's such a truly nice guy.

Then York Tien was telling me about his group's plan of traveling around China after our professional exam... no wonder I only heard rumours here and there about it... it's become a "couple" trip, York Tien with his gf, Chiun Pheng with his gf, Kwek Foong with his gf, etc.... so that's why I wasn't invited.... but that's ok... I'm not into China.... if I have the means, I would love to go to South Africa for Safari!!!! I actually went asking about it couple of months back, but it's too expensive, so it's not in my immediate plan... maybe after working for a while, and hopefully find someone who may share the same passion for wildlife, I may just make that "dream" trip to a Safari....

Everything may sound mundane, but I guess it's really a great Christmas because I didn't expect much to begin with, but that doesn't mean that I'm less grateful... I'll always remember this "last" Christmas... next year everything will be different....

Now I'm looking forward to 2006... Geryl was asking me about any new year resolutions... and it's funny because I realized I didn't have any! So talk about being a no-life! Haha! And I don't remember what my resolutions from last year were... but I remember making them at the end of 2004... :)

Maybe no new year resolutions, but many, many, many things to thank God for:

• The gift of life
• A restless and doubtful heart and a pondering mind, without which I would not have been able to mantain my sanity
• A family, perfect or not
• Great, great friends, constant or not
• Life experiences, both good and bad ones
• The craziness of my everyday being and life, without which I would not have been as strong

And for the new year resolutions, I have to sleep on it tonight...

Then tomorrow I have to return to the craziness that is my life.

Merry Christmas everybody!

Been sooo busy since after class yesterday, but I'm glad... it sort of bring out that spirit of Christmas for me... I was worried that I might not enjoy this Christmas... but everything has turned out well. Thank God! My cuticles are all dry and pointy and pricky because of the excessive detergent and water from preparing the Christmas eve dinner. Having 2 of my bachelor uncles over and also my sis' old new boyfriend.

Anyways, may this Christmas mean soemthing special to each and everyone of you out there... in whatever way you want it, and in however way you wish it, that's important. God bless!

Coughing my life out

My cough's not getting any better... and it's a "stigma".... I find myself having to explain myself and the nature of my coughing everything I have a horrible bout of very frightening cough... being around medical student colleagues doesn't make it better....

"Oh you having a viral prodrome?"

I'm like "Huh?" They are expecting something worse to happen to me?

"Avian flu!"

Stupid boy.

And of course the frequent having to leave the class half-way to cough in a more private place... because it sounds like a chesty cough... and because I can't exhale fully, because if I do, I'll cough some more.... and because of the lack of optimal inhalation, I feel quite hypoxic.... and the result is a throbbing headache, just like the once I had with my caffeine withdrawal.

Last night the little Christmas gathering at my aunt's was kinda of a disaster for me because of the smoking... I coughed so hard and I had to ask to leave at 9pm... I would have died at the party if my aprents decided to stay for another hour.... I told them I shouldn't have gone for the party... and because of me they had to leave early, but they didn't mind...

Oh ya, I know this is hardly the place to announce this sort of thing, but since it's such a relief to me... I must. That time of the month has arrived.... *relieved*.... after the tense 2-week delay.... I was even thinking my hormones may have gotten screwed up for sure.... thank God.

But I think my endometrium should be pretty thick because of the 2-week delay, so I'm expecting torrent. Everytime I cough, I feel a gush.

I'm happy and sad at the same time? Possible? Yes, I have multiple personality.

I'm happy because:

• Christmas is in 2 days time!
• My period's finally here.... phew.... meaning I'm not pregnant and I don't have a hormonal problem....
• Long weekend ahead!
• My tattoo looked the nicest during a show-off session with all my cousins last night during the Christmas get-together! It was judged by my another cousin, who's the artist himself!

I'm sad because:

• Next week I have mid-posting assessment! With none other than the King of Confabulation (I shouldn't take all the credits... I quote this from Chee Shee) Dr. Ye, who happens to be the King of Short-term Memory (this time the credit is mine....so I deduced he's depressed or frustrated....)
• My Medicine posting drawing to an end and I'm still very, very blur
• My coughing is causing me to cough my life out of my body

Ok, need to stop here now.... have to study a little for tomorrow's bedside teaching with Dr. Pubalan, who's also taking the class for a lecture in the afternoon.... DERMATOLOGY! Have to brush up...

*cough* *cough*

What a horrible night! Didn't get even an hour of undisturbed sleep... my cough's driving me nuts! I think it started on Sunday or Monday... I suspect the dust from cleaning my room got to me... but anyways, it's getting worse ever since. It's a dry cough, and it's precipitated by an intense itch at the back of my throat. Then also associated with watery eyes... I was coughing this most horrendous cough in the male ward yesterday, which was very embarrasing... all the patients looking at me... kept on ingesting lots and lots of water to try to reduce the itching... and I'm worried too (hope not too prematurely)... a collegue of mine in the same group is coughing for the past 4 months and now is in the process of geting investigated for TB... so I'm quite disturbed... so I'm just keeping my fingers crossed..

But I think it's more of allergy in nature... my dad walked pass behind me with his strong muscle relaxant stinging odour, I coughed.... my sis walked pass with her very strong parfume, also I coughed.... shit...

*cough*

I'm going to my GP this morning, have to get something for the cough (I'm coughing so hard that it's giving me chest pain!) and also an MC for today.... I can't be in the wards today.... luckily I only ahve a bedside teaching with Dr. Ye, so no loss on my part... and afternoon no class, so should be ok...

Bye! *cough*

We are all malingerers

Saw an interesting case in the ward today, a 30-year-old male construction worker, no history of medical illness presented with 1-day history of left-sided upper and lower limb weakness... on examination, he had normal tone and reflexes but his power was 4/5 in both his left upper and lower limbs. He also had glove-and-stoking sensory loss. Baffled the clinicians as well... but I really hated Dr. Fred for immediately labeling the poor man as a "malingerer". He seemed very uncomfortable in the ward... why would he want to malinger, and prolong his stay in the hospital? Dr. Fred is malingering as a doctor.

I really don't know why I volunteered to present on antibiotics for tomorrow. *stupid* It was a result of my reaction towards my poor colleagues who had to present HIV, TB, Candidiasis, Dengue fever, Malaria, Leptospirosis, etc.... all in 2 hours! Stupid Dr. Ye... one of them have to present something on HIV (which is A LOT!) and also the antibiotic thingy.... so I immediately, as a spinal cord reaction, volunteered to present instead. So stupid. But I'm planning to keep it for next week... I don't care... I'll just tell Dr. Ye that it's too much for one afternoon, better save it for another session... I'm sure my colleagues would thank me for it.

Something that is peculiar to me happen this evening... I received a sms informing about a certain Dr who wanted to meet all the "chinese students"... I was half-hearted to go because I've always been uncomfortable with this racial segregation thingy.... It had the same aura as when a "Malay lecturer" giving "extra classes" to "Malay students"... the same aura.... but I went because I have to see that Dr quite often because of my posting. So I walked from my house to the faculty and met him in the library with my other "chinese" colleagues... he gave us each a pen and a Christmas cum invitation card to his church for Christmas service...

Liked the pen... but I really felt that I shouldn't have gone... it's meaningless.... he didn't even make eye contact or make any conversation with some of us.... he was chatting away with one or 2 students... it's not envy you know, it's just very silly and uncomfortable... it's like I'm getting the pen and the card because I happened to be there.

But I'm giving him the benefit of doubt that he's really sincere...

Let me quote Connie's favourite word... cynical.... Am I being cynical?

From my angle right now, looking at the whole scenario, I should be happy that I got a free pen. :)

Ok, that's settle.... at least I got a great workout! House-to-faculty, and back! Each way took me about 15-20mins depending on the traffic, because it's pretty hard to cross the road with a heavy jam.... but I think it lack cardio workout... wasn't brisk enough to optimize my heart rate... and I'm starting some abdominal crunches daily... about 100 a day. Hope I can keep this up.

Then I met another colleague who said that he liked my "diary" on the internet.... meaning my blog la.... that's funny too... this is in no way a diary... by definition, yes... but, based on what I'm capable of writing, I'd rather not have my blog as my "diary"... too dangerous... :)

Tonigh have to cover "basics". I can't keep anything down. I was great with ECG on my first week... now I can't remember much.... was quite well-versed with infectious topics the other day, now I can't remember shit... so back to basics tonight.... oh ya, can't remember JVP waves too this morning.... *sigh*

What the hell I'm doing.... where's the leak?

Then heard from an old friend last weekend, whom I think is living in a winter wonderland, and he's making me nauseous... and my gut feeling tells me to "ignore" him and let him do whatever he wants as long as he doesn't ask me for my opinion or ask me what to do... does that make me a lousy friend? Because I would probably make him disturbed with my opinion, so isn't it a "friendlier" thing to do by ignoring him? At least that helps me to maintain any ounce of respect left that I have for him.

Ok, enough for now... have to malinger tonight as a good student.

Bonne nuit!

Train of thoughts

• Had my traditional movie marathon! Super! CSIs, Numb3rs, House, Crime Stories...
• Girls' night out with Jo, Jane, Sue and Min! Love the Midin salad at Bla, bla, bla...
• Cleaned and refurbished my room! *beaming* It's a milestone...
• Change beddings
• Slept in Saturday and Sunday mornings with my doggie.... she kept me warm...
• Ate like a pig... so no surprise that my abdominal circumference is still the same
• DIDN'T GO TO THE HOSPITAL! So proud of myself....
• Study? Bits and pieces here and there...
• Didn't have a single cup of coffee the whole weekend! Yipee! But I think tonight I might need a cup to aid in my study effort
• Hey, did we get the accreditation?

The guardian angel on my right shoulder and the stunted devil on my left

I had a very interesting encounter with Dr. Padmini yesterday. We bumped into each other in the elevator as I was returning the LCD and laptop at Level 3.

"Hello Sharon!" she beat me to it you know... she's very sharp for her age. And also I was very tired after the marathon day of lecture, and also very frustrated thinking about what my colleagues must have to go through in the hospital with Dr. Annuar (which I wasn't attending, and was afraid that he might lash out at them because of my absence...)

Will get to that later...

About Dr. Padmini... so she looked very happy to see me, and she said, "Are you free? I have been wanting to talk to you..."

My heart skipped a beat. Is it my results? I flunked ke?

"Yes, I'm free... I just have to return the LCD and laptop to Level 3."

"Please come and see me at Level 9..."

I felt a lump in my throat...

"Ok." I answered weakly... also because we were sharing the elevator ride with some 5 strangers...

I quickly returned the equipments and hastened my steps and made myself to Level 9... she wasn't there.... so I paced around until another lecturer saw me and asked me to sit down at the sofa in front of the entrance...

So I sat and took out a book to read...

Less than 2 minutes later, Dr. Padmini emerged from the corridor of the elevator and walked towards me... I nod and gave her weak smile... I suddenly experienced palpitations.

So we made our way into her office and...

-------
Ok, I better cut the story short....
-------

She asked, "So Sharon, what do you plan to do after your housemanship?"

I was taken aback a little. *puzzled*

"Umm... I can't say right now...."

"Oh I see..." She responded... "I thought you were set on doing Forensic Pathology... I saw your poster and also talked to some lecturers and I had the impression that you were really interested to do Forensic Pathology...."

"Oh I am interested, but I'm not sure if that's what I really want to do for the rest of my life..."

She looked relieved...

"In this field you don't get to see live people very much, and you tend to see the dark side of life... I was thinking that would be a waste... so I must tell you that you have good people skills..."

"It would be quite waste..."

Then she explained about how she thought that I would be more of an asset in the other fields, but stressed that she wasn't giving me any pressure.... but just to tell me of my "strength" and that I should think properly and thoroughly about going into Forensic... but of course if in the end I'm interested in it, by all means..."

I was very surprised and speechless and at the same time I was very touched, touched that someone cared, cared enough to spend her time to tell this to a nothing student like me....

"Actually Dr. Padmini, I would say Forensic is my second choice.... I'm actually more interested in Paediatrics.... but..."

"Oh, it doesn't matter whether it's surgery or paediatric or internal medicine... I'm very sure you'll do well in them..." she responded and waited for my reaction...

"But, but, I'm not good enough... I can't remember the things that I've read, and really I don't have very good results..."

"No, no, don't worry about that... it's because now as a student you have so much to cover, so much to know... of course it's difficult to remember everything... once you focus on something later, I'm sure you can do well... It's not about just getting the highest in MCQ or OSCE or things like that...."

Wow, that was really something... I couldn't believe that I was having that conversation with Dr. Padmini.... it's like she's Godsend... an answer to my prayers for some sign that I'm alright, that I'll survive my final months before I embark to another very challenging chapter of my life...

I guess the content of the conversation wasn't the essential thing for me.... it's just the thought that someone cared and of course, AFFIRMATION...

How could I have forgotton that.... it's been only about 2 months...

I really don't give a damn what I do next time... I just want to be happy, not to feel crappy all the time and die too young (but of course don't live long enough to get some form of cancer....)

Anyways...

I was actually looking forward to my weekend except that tomorrow my group's ORDERED to go to the wards to do catwalks.

I'm very tempted not to go actually because I still have 5 immunities! :)... the mother fucker didn't turn up yesterday evening, to the dismay and relief of my groupmates... dismay because they were super tired and waited like idiots in the ward for him, and he didn't even make any eye contact with them when he make a transient appearance in the ward.

All this cat-and-mouse game is quite stressful for me.... killing my brain cells and my menses is 1 week late! And my abdomen is feeling so bloated...

Yes, I admit part of my frustration have a causal association with PMS.

But it's fine.... I have control over my actions...

Enough for tonight... happy weekend!

Musings

What a hectic day. Non-stop class 8.30am-4.30pm! And what do I gain from it all? Disproportionately inadequate. I only gain more pimples, resentment, more unwanted revelation about the people around (which I don't care to elaborate).

And Dr. Annuar even made my group go back to the hospital after the class, which I didn't go because I didn't bring my labcoat and all my "equipments"... and besides I didn't see the point because he wanted us to present all the cases in the ward, which we couldn't clerk today because of the marathon classes.

"I don't care. You guys should have clerk the patients 5am this morning." he said.

But I didn't go. :) 1 down. Nevermind. 4 more to go. Muahahhaha!

And he's making us come this weekend. Shit. Tough luck for my group. We also "kena" the last time he "realized" that he was a lecturer. But of course I'm not planning to go on Sunday. Nevermind, 3 more to go. :)

Then he also said the next group has to go during Christmas and New Year. It's just so convenient for him to pick this time around to exert his Bruce Almighty power on us. Where was he the past 4 weeks MIA?

He said we "can't" go then we shouldn't be doctors.

I agree. But I don't agree that doctors should be stupid. If he teaches, and answers our questions during his "ward round"... then it's fine, really... but what did he do the last time.... we followed him like chicks.... didn't even teach.... then when we asked him questions, he said we should ask some other specialists, or read it up ourselves...

We read, I tell you, we really read, but some things are best explained by a lecturer or at least a proper clinician...

Anyways, regarding the willingness to work on Christmas and New Year, I have no problem, I know what I'm up for when I took this course... but we are not stupid. I don't think I'm delusional. When I'm actually working, I'll know my priorities.

Let's see, what else struck me today... yes, in spite today being the dateline for case write-up, only 16 out of 28 students submitted their write-ups.... I really don't understand their mentality.... I think they're just abusing Dr. Thomas' niceness... imagine if it's Dr. Mra's who's receiving the write-ups... I'm sure all 28 would have reached me today.

*disturbed*

And they had like 4 weeks to write it? *puzzled*

This morning I enjoyed Dr. William's pharmacology class very much... he chose a real psychiatry case with an extensive history of polypharmacy... so we discussed each drug one-by-one... I thought I learnt a lot and it's great revision.

Yeah, I thought that was the best class today... and Dr. Thomas' class a bit "sedating". :)

I was supposed to go to the wards tonight but decided against it because the ward's usually crowded with patients' relatives... so have decided instead to make it tomorrow early morning... maybe 6.45am? Too ambitious? I'll see.

Now I'm reading up on some haematological disorders because we're getting Prof. Henry tomorrow morning for bedside teaching.... and coincidentally, tomorrow's IDA is on Anaemia, I think. So that's great.

Lastly, what's the big deal about the naked ear-squatting issue? If it's just ear-squatting, it wouldn't be so much of an issue.... it's the NAKED part that's getting everybody excited.

Bonne nuit!

We are all robots

I'm trying to finish the last few sentences of my case write-up which is due tomorrow... but now kinda bored and tired, so decided for a little rest.

Walked home today again. I'm still not losing weight. I abdominal circumference has not come down... I'm only feeling my thigh and calf muscles toning up. I don't think I eat more than what an average person eats a day... so I'm pretty bummed that I'm overweight... it's not healthy. I don't want to die of heart attack. I won't mind to die of a motor vehicle accident or some other freak accidents, but not heart attack.... please... people will saying "She deserves it... look at her size..."

And yes, I have problem talking to people with diabetes and hypertension... how can I advise them without sounding (and looking!) like a bad example?

*sigh*

Anyways...

So what's new?

Tookie William's dead. Some journalist got bombed and now treated like a martyr, for his anti-something stand... how can someone be an anti-something and be a martyr? If we live long enough, we may get aluminium toxicity from our water.

Tomorrow is literally a long day. Literally. Psychiatry 8-12.30, Dr. Annuar's session 12.30-God knows when, 2-4pm will Dr. Thomas' class. And already I feel very tired of the prospect of tomorrow.

I still can't remember shit from whatever I've studied for the past 1 month. Crap. That's not new.

Why... nevermind.... We are all robots. Either you learn to assume the robotic form or you resist and whin, like me.

Good night.

Capital punishment

Good morning!

I'm staying home today to finish up with my case write-up which is due this Thursday and also to catch up with some studies. After there are no formal classes today, and I'm willing to take the chance of skipping any Dr. Annuar's lashing... after the all, what's the odds of him turning up? He didn't turn up even once during my 2-week rotation during the begining of my posting.

Besides he stupidly said that if we miss 5 of his sessions, then we can forget sitting for our exam end of posting exam. Stupid man.... who's going to miss 5 of his sessions... like he's giving even 3 sessions.

*duh*

Anyways, logged on this morning just to check the headlines... greeted by "Gang Leader Sets to Die as Appeals Fail", referring to Stanley Tookie Williams who's set to be executed by tomorrow. He was a founder of a notorious and violent gang called the Crips and was convicted and sentenced to death for a few brutal murders more than 20 years ago.

The catch is, over the last 20+ years, he's apparently turned his life around, and has wrote many books for young people about the sins of gangsterism, apparently reaching out to many gang members who's contemplating to quit their gangs and also deterring many youngster from joining any gangs. And he's been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize 5 times! So he must have done something quite amazing.

So the state of California is now in a dilemma. But this morning, the Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, denied his appeal for clemency, citing his lack of remorse for his crimes.

News like this always catches my attention because I don't have stand on capital punishment. I would and I won't. I'm for and I'm against. It depends...

But can we function that way? Why are we forced to take side? I thought being complex beings, we have to make complex analysis of complex situations like that.

Is there place for redemption? Try reading the accounts of the families of the murdered victims, their pain, the scar...

But Tookie's death wouldn't bring the victims back to life.... "But it would bring us closure" said one of the victims ailing mother....

"Tookie's a changed man. He'll do more good alive than dead" An advocate said.

At this point, this is my thought of the issue....

What Tookie has done for the last 20 years may all be well and good. But he didn't pay for his impulsiveness and his cruelty when he gunned down a 26-year-old father working in a convenience store and he has not admitted guilt (despite overwhelming evidence against him) of the slaying of a Vietnamese family for $100. He never did pay for his senselessness.

The least he could do is to give that closure so yearned by the families of his victims. If he's set on making a difference, and I'm sure his execution would send a message to those thinking of joining gangs.

The hard truth is, no one's indispensible.

In the end, we'll all be judged by the highest authority.

Let me explain myself

A couple of weeks ago, during liaison psychiatry, my Dean, the Pychiatrist was answering a question by a colleague of mine about Type A personality. He gave this example to illustrate his answer:

"Imagine yourself bumping into a lecturer down the hall... you greet him, but he doesn't greet back, or worse, look at you and show no acknowledgement whatsoever..."

"A person with Type A personality would feel very offended, very hurt even... may even wonder what he or she might have done to receive that treatment..."

"But a non-Type A personality would think that the lecturer may have been too busy or too preoccupied to respond as they cross path... so no big deal... and forgets about it..."

*disturbed*

By his description, I'm pure breed Type A.

I'm constantly preoccupied with doing stuff for other people, and I fool myself that I'm doing stuff for myself, for my own good, and for the good of all.

I need to strike a balance, I need to be more selfish.

Today I was very disturbed (it spoiled my whole afternoon)... I had a little confrontation with Mr. Gopal, the proprietor of an Indian food outlet just outside my faculty...

Let me summarize the whole thing first... he's very double standard... he serves students with less food, less courtesy, but of course the same charge, and he's also very dumb. He can't count simple arithmetic with the help of a simple calculator. But he's a towering of a man, and very crude, with an alcoholic facies.

First he made us wait for a long time before taking our order for the food, and also skipped us for other "working" people (doctors, and posher-looking people) to take orders for our drinks (my friends and I)...

So when he finally came to my table, and pretended to "scold" his workers for not taking our drink orders... so I couldn't stand his attitude and snapped, "It's about time somebody took our orders!" The words didn't reflect my true dissatisfaction, but I'm sure my tone and my facial expression said it all...

He retorted, "What's your problem?"

I glared at him, and I could see his eyes bloodshot... and I remembered Raj telling me that it was rumoured that a few of his workers quit their job because he or his wife hit them.

*shit*

But he suddenly remembered that I was customer (he inhaled more deeply) and he rephrased, "What do you want?" But there was scorn in his voice.

Then my colleague sitting next to me looked a bit worried, so I didn't want to stress her any further, so I just acted as if nothing was happening and placed my order (at the back of my mind I praying that he would not spit into my drink).

I felt victorious, but it was short-lived... I felt that I didn't get him enough... and that bothered me the whole afternoon.

*shit*

What's for sure is that I won't go for anymore meals there. The question now remains is whether I would "spread" this around and rally support to boycott the food outlet. I know Raj and his other friends have already been doing it for quite a while... they have valid reasons...

If someone really deserves a certain treatment, isn't it as simple as they simply deserve it?

Cheers!

Could I have Type A personality?

Came across this while surfing just now... will explain later why it caught my attention....

What is the type A personality, fundamentally?
Two personality types were developed by the psychological profession in order to define people’s behaviors. Each of these two types has a set of criteria by which those who belong to one type or the other are discovered. These types are type A, the strict and rigid, perfectionistic type and type B, the relaxed individual’s personality type. The type A personality is a very flat personality, very strict. Fundamentally this personality grows out of having had to earn acceptance rather than being bestowed with it unconditionally. This person as a child was probably given conditional love, had a role model who was raised on conditional love or both. There was a standard to be met and if it was met there was acceptance and reward; if the standard wasn’t met then there was neither reward nor acceptance.

Ouch. Flat personality? That's a bummer... strict and rigid I admit. But flat personality... I don't think so... About unconditionately love, I'm not sure... I don't think my parents consciously set any standard, but I make the standard myself... Perfectionist? Used to be until it drained me to the max... it's hard maintaining it...

Type A folks have major issues around three key areas: time, money and dirt.

Type A’s and Issues surrounding time.
Type A people have limitless problems with time. Type A’s need to be on time, they need to avoid running out of time, they need to have a watch or clock handy so they can measure time, they invest time, measure the value of time spent and time left available. These folks have issues with deadlines, as they are restricting, yet they feel they must have them and they must be met. Time is a tool for measuring and a means of limiting, confining and defining. As such, time is important to someone who has always had to meet standards and deadlines for acceptance.

I know I'm good at meeting datelines... there's always a sense of responsibility... a sense that I shouldn't be letting anyone down, that everyone has their part in this life cycle... I would be terribly irresponsible and hated and loathed if I don't execute my responsibility properly...

Issues with money.
Type A people have esteem issues, as they don’t base their value on solid ground but rather on meeting standards. As such, rather than by their inherent value as people, they value themselves and what they do by money. What’s it worth, what did it cost, how much do they earn, have and spend? They spend or give money as a way of showing love or affection. It is their empowerment and security. In relationships there is a medium of exchange and of acceptance with others and it is money.

It's hard to admit, but I'm materialistic... I don't exactly go around day-dreaming about owning a mansion or a luxury car (worse... I want nice clothes, nice shoes, the expensive stethoscope, etc.) but I know I'll die if I'm poor...

Issues with dirt.
As the type A individual is perfectionist and of low self esteem they don’t want to have any association with dirt. Getting dirty makes them feel cheap and worthless. They need neat surroundings.

Not an issue for me... I'm not particularly neat... my room's a mess! :)

Remission.
Something like remission or over compensation can occur in which the type A personality may swing to the extreme opposite to cope. They may give away money to show they can, get dirty or do dirty jobs to confront their fears and may throw caution about time to the wind to set themselves free. Still you can see that they still are tied heavily to these issues.

Guilty.

Emotions.
Type A personalities may deny emotion or not know they have any. They may feel guilty for having or showing emotions as this would take them away from the source of real value for them which is to meet standards like a perfectly performing machine.

It depends on the scenario... I always think of myself as very rich with emotion... and I can't stand people who are lacking in this area. To me they are very dumb, and I get very irritated with them because after every conversation, they make me feel like a fool... pouring my hearts out and they sit there looking stupoid. SOOO... I'm definitely not Type A in this aspect.

Time for myself

I guess some good came out of my very unproductive weekend.

I think I spent more than 10 hours of sinful couch-potatoing this whole weekend, but no regrets really... I don't have that heavy feeling that I always feel on Sunday nights, that feeling of uncertainty and some degree of fear for what's in store for me in the week ahead. I guess I got a good rest.

Jo called and asked me out for shopping, but I have to decline because my Sunday evenings are reserved for some self-psychotherapy and for tying up some loose ends from the previous week. So sorry Jo, but looking forward to this Friday!

Didn't do a whole lot of studying this weekend... decided not to go to the Christmas dinner too... not really bummed about it... but I do miss the laughter and singing... but I felt that I didn't really want to face people who's are not really my close friends. I felt that it would be too taxing and draining.

I had a great deal of fun surfing the net today... read-up on the life of John Lennon... co-lour-FUL! I wonder what it would be like to be his lover? :)

The I was reading about Richard Pryor, who passed away yesterday... didn't know about him until his death... one very dark character despite being a stand-up comedian... let's see if I get this correct... from what I've gathered, his legacy is his success of making pain into comedy.... way cool...

Then after that I was trying to read some online journals, but decided that they were way boring, so I switched to drooling over some of my favourite men... too many to name, but Ralph Fiennes, George Clooney and Hugh Jackman are my favourite favourite. They are really some high-end anatomy. :)

I love Fiennes' upper lip; thin, basic but absolutely sexy!

I love the wrinkles around Clooney's eyes when he smiles... *melt*

I love the creases on Jackman's forehead when he frowns (and his gorgeous body too lar...).... so intense....

*dreamy* <=== Silly girl.

Great weekend... can't wait for next weekend... until then I have to change into my medical student-with-a-purpose mode.

Cheers!

Hugh Jackman: Object of my fascination

George Clooney: Object of my fascination

Panda dog

*sigh*

I feel "uninspired" these couple of days.... I'm that type of person who usually tries to find any form of inspiration from anything at all around me, because I live and thrive by it... I've come to believe that God speaks to us not from his words in the bible (they are so out of date, and the English too pompous for my simple English), but from the things that happen around me and also definitely from the people I come in contact with everyday.

But I'm just not feeling much these couple of days...

Maybe what my colleague was trying to tell me is true... I need some form of psychotherapy.

I feel uninspired to study, uninspired by my novels (which had never failed to inspire me no matter how irrelevant the stories are to my current life situation), uninspired to pray, uninspired to keep in touch with my friends, uninspired by everything that used to make me so passionate...

I find myself floating, disorientated, my sight for the future seems a bit out of focus, it's still there, just not as bright and vibrant as before.

*sigh*

Have to stop here... going to mass... *sigh*.... whatever for.

How about me?

Today I crossed path with 2 of the most grandiose and self-applause people that I've met in my life; Dr. Annuar and Josh Beh.

They don't really bother me but I really felt amazed at how insightless and how they go on and on and on about how stupid everyone is except themselves... no regards for authority, no respect even for people.... their world revolve around themselves.... (I'm so scarred to imagine that the 2 of them share the same planet by themselves!)

I was even trying to "counsel" Josh a little these couple of days, but he was soooo resistant... so I felt that I've done my "Christian" duty (I really feel disturbed using the "Christian" word, hence the inverted commas).... I tried to see whatever ounce of goodness that he may have in him... but he just refused to show them, to even be logical....

He just went on and on about stupid people doing stupid thing trying to stupidly frame him or something.... I think he's delusional as well....

To Dr. Annuar, everyone doesn't know what they are talking about.... only HE sees the whole picture... he has his points and he has his strengths, I admit, but he doesn't have the humility to actually put his intellect to good use.... he rather use coercion and despotism.... I don't really feel that he has any of the student's interest at heart.... he's not nurturing nor guiding... he doesn't hope for the best for the students....

He's just very sure that we'll all make lousy doctors...

I really feel that God is challenging me with something... He wants me to question Him about why some people get away with certain things...

How about me?

Anyways, like I say, they don't really bother me that much, but I guess this is for the record... :).... once I write something down in my blog, once I publish it.... it's chapter close and forgotten.

Oh ya, our paeds results are postpone again.... anyways, my mentor's out of town on a course or something...

Tomorrow, we're all having a special meeting with the dean regarding the accreditation team that's coming next week... really don't see any reason to go... I'm quite fed-up with the faculty...

Bonne nuit!