Happy Piggy Year!

Was oncall CNY eve, so today post-call. A little too tired to write. So here are some nice shots I took over the week.

Happy New Year! Piggies are cute. :)


CNY fair at Gaya Street... can get all sort of CNY goodies here.


Gorgeous lanterns!


Visited Wilhma (2nd from left) for CNY...


The night market...


A view of Queen (short, affectionate name we give the hospital) from my car... miss her so much!


I live in Penampang.


A dashing-looking cat at Lintas.

Paitan

I made the best decision in months by volunteering to go for a relief mission in Paitan, some 6hours journey from KK last Friday.

Not only I got the change of environment that I strived for initially, but I also felt so alive after months of what I would describe as aimlessness and mundanity after I started working.

There's more to life than waking up early and just working brainlessly. Yeah, there's more to life than being a houseman.

Enjoy the pictures and wish me luck. I'm oncall in Neonatal ICU tomorrow. So freaking scared. All those reptilian-like babies.

The Time Capsule

I have a persistent headache (the sound of babies crying nagging inside my head).

Didn't exactly have a bad call, but you know it's bad also when you get to "sleep" but get woken up periodically throughout the night. The end result is fatigue the next day.

Last night I was awoken several times to attend to several leukaemic children who had spiking fevers.

I could only offer them paracetamol and several minutes of my time of a fairly thorough physical, and maybe a septic work-up, if really indicated. All that more for the extremely worried parents than for the children. And also some reassurance.

The recovery ward/oncology ward in the daytime is like a happy playground from hell. Children wearing masks running around with balloons and dangerous-looking toys, screaming and chasing each other along the cold-looking hospital corridor.

They would be running into me and their remote controlled cars getting into my way.

Though it's the most lepak call in paeds, it's been quite stressful for me. Hence, the headache.

One child was screaming so loud that I was awoken from my sleep around 2am in the HO oncall room at the end of the ward. I got up and started looking for the child. I tracked the crying right up to the other end of the corridor in the procedure room.

The nurses were trying to set a new IV line for the child because her old one got bunked. And she was crying hysterically. I'm sure the whole ward got woken up.

Anyways, I'm getting the hang of paeds. I'll be still in general paeds until the end of this week then I'll be in neonatal ward I think. I'll be oncall there this coming Saturday. Need to tag someone there again before my call. Have to go through the arterial line thingy and on how to set up TPN.

---

I'm missing surgery less and less now, so that feeling of heaviness is also bothering me less. I'm also missing Mr. V less. 1 month of cold turkey is cruel but thankfully effective.

---

I'm online now to do a little research for my "Time Capsule" presentation on Near-death experience. Sounds interesting doesn't it? It's something my paeds head of department likes to do... he would be scribbling some stuff on a piece of paper during meetings or CMEs and then at the end of the gathering, he would assign some random subjects to HOs to read-up on and make a 10mins presentation the following week.

One of my colleagues got "Turtles of Sabah"! It was hilarious when he was assigned that topic because I knew he was not the kind into animals and the environment. He was a smoking, thrash-talking, kick the damn cat/dog kind of person. So I can't wait for him to talk about the beautiful and endangered turtle species of Sabah.

If he had his ways, he would be going, "Kill all the fucking tutles!"

:D Padan muka.

Another colleague is supposed to talk on abdominal pregnancy, another on handphone technology and another on van Gogh. Interesting...

I'm not sure he's doing this to check on us new HOs (because I was told that he's into public speaking) or he's into this general knowledge for doctors thingy.

Either way, I like it. :) Reminds me of Mr. V when he was asking us whether the Starling in Frank-Starling Law of the Heart and the Starling in Starling forces of haemodynamics were the same person.

They were. I did a little research on this guy and all his works, but what struck me most was that he was not well-liked during his time because he was loud and openly opposed to the then practiced empiricality. He fought for evidence-based medicine.

---

Good night!

Virgin call

So far so good my savings plan except for the occasional binging sessions I have with my girlfriends. Food in KK not cheap ok. I just had a RM50 Japanese dinner, which could have been petrol money for at least 5 days.

But when it comes to food, I don't skimp. :) Food too important.

So far it's been a roller-coaster ride in paeds. I'm in the acute cubicle, so it's really crazy. And the fact that I'm new, it's extra stressful. Scoldings from my MOs and Specialist. It's not really scolding scolding. It's nagging scolding with a pinch of sarcasm and a teaspoon of irritation. It's less nurturing in this department, but the workload is bearable.

At the begining of the week I was feeling a little more motivated after getting the hang of blood-taking and managing some of the common acute cases.

Then yesterday a neonate 30+ days of life came to the ward in respiratory distress. Born to an illegal immigrant mother with no antenatal check-up. Delivered at home, no Vit. K given. Non-immunized. While resuscitating, blood oozed out from her endotracheal tube.

Haemorrhagic disease of the newborn.

Bedside ultrasound showed intraparenchymal bleed in the brain.

I don't recall exactly how long we resuscitated, but the baby died.

Though it was heartbreaking to see the child died quite horribly with her bruised chest wall (from resuscitation) and blood oozing from her nose, as I drew 10ml of blood from her heart for culture, I was quite excited to have experienced my first neonatal resuscitation in real time.

That excitement didn't translate well to my mum though when I called her to tell her the events of my day, after more than a week of not calling home.

"It's quite exciting today mum. A baby died and I got to do resuscitation on her!"

A moment of unusual silence.

"That's disturbing. " my mum finally replied.

Damn. I didn't mean that way la. It's just that I usually like to focus on the positive side of things, because in my field, we see bad things or heroic things, on a daily basis. We need to know how to balance things up.

I'll be having my virgin call in paeds tomorrow. 4th call. The most lepak call. Happy. And Saturday calls are better than Sunday calls.

It's only 9pm, but my eyes are losing thier focusing power, and I'm yawning 4-5 times/min. I need sleep.

MVA, CNY and a savings plan

My housemate got into an accident at the busiest spot in KK last night. Fortunately for her, she escaped unharm, but her poor Kelisa looked pretty beaten up. Will take about 3-4K to fix and some 2 weeks. And because it's her fault that she rammed into the butt of a land cruiser, she probably have to fork out another 3-4k to have the cruiser's bumper fixed and repainted.

In comparison to her poor Kelisa, the white land cruiser looked absolutely immaculate, except for the loose bumper and slight scratch.

We spent about 2 hours in the police station last night to settle everything last night and today I left my tagging earlier to help chaffeur her around to get her fine paid and paper work done.

It's just very unfortunate for her that she's getting all these unfortunate circumstances on a regular basis. So to so that I'm thinking it's because of all her negativity that she's getting into all these back luck.

But I pray that everything will work out for her.

---

I have 3 more days of tagging until Wednesday, and I start my first call in paeds on Saturday. 4th call. It's the call in the recovery ward, so that's good. All the patients there are supposedly very stable patients waiting for discharge. I also have to take care of the patient in the paeds oncology cubicle, but again all of them are supposed to be stable.

All my calls this month is during the weekends and I'm working through CNY. I guess might as well since I have no intentions of flying home. Saving the leave for a long one probably in March or something.

---

For the first time in my life, I've drawn up a savings plan. My target is to save at least 10k this year. At the rate I'm working and the decreasing opportunity of spending, I actually have the potential to save up to 18k, if I really I want to, based on my calculation and rough estimation.

Why am I saving?

1. I want to travel
2. I want to got shopping in KL
3. I have to start saving for my future (further my studies, buy a house)

Wish me luck!

---

Something new just came up with me. I'm considering to pursue surgery.

Good night!

Tagging 2

I'm now at home instead of tagging in the hospital because I rushed back to my apartment to look for my missing wallet (containing my IC and driving licence, and money, atm card).

Stopped by the drive-thru MacD this morning on the way to work. Ordered a big breakfast or something and realized that my wallet wasn't in my bag. Shit. Called my apartment mate, who was running late for work, and hoping she was more late today so that she could find my wallet in the apartment for me.

But she was already in the apartment complex carpark when I got her on the line. So I just told her to drop by the drive-thru and pay my breakfast for me.

So malu.

So I was 10mins late for work, but to my surprise, the ward was empty when I got there. Not a single doctor in sight. Maybe it's the weekend syndrome in paeds.

Hmm... this wasn't the case when I was in surgery. Ok nm, next time no need to feel so anxious if I have valid reason of being late.

But I'm proud of this quality that I have, you know getting anxious when I'm running late or making people wait for me. Got it from my dad.

Anyways, got home after 1pm and found my wallet inside my room on the floor near the door. I can't imagine how that happened because as far as I could remember, I got home around 12MN last night, dropped my bag on top of my laundry basket and took a quick shower before passing out on my bed. Got up 6am, took shower and rushed to work. Didn't even open up my bag.

So the question is, "How did the wallet get out of my bag and landed on the floor?"

Creepy.

Anyways, I have my wallet now. That's the most important. And pay day yesterday! But crappy too because despite earning descently, I just don't have the time to enjoy it. I spend the most of food and petrol (now that I'm stuck in Likas, 12km from Penampang where I'm staying, making that 24km everyday).

---

I was tagging in NICU (Neonatal ICU) last night. It looked very serene with all the radiant warmers and incubators, and all the tiny babies in them. Very different from the regular wards. Was tagging a senior who took quite some time teaching me "survivor skills" in the NICU. And the blood-taking bit. ARRGGHHHH.

Imagine looking for a vein on a dorsum of a hand the size of your thumb. NOT fun.

But after last night, with the little pep talk from my senior, and also the motivation to just tread on, I'm feeling a little bit more optimistic going into my 1st weekend in paeds.

And maybe because my mood picked up a little bit after meeting up again with my surgery friends yesterday. Was in the main hospital for CME in the morning, and I had to settle a couple of paper work in the office, so I took the opportunity to attend the Surgery HO teaching. :)

Really miss the department. Miss the crazy haphazzard ward. Only now I realized how truly busy the surgery nurses are. A stark contrast to the paeds ward where everything and everyone is kinda slow-moving.

I'm still trying to adjust my hasty pace in the paeds ward to a more relaxed one.

---

I caught myself "playing" with a kid this morning. So geli come to think about it. But the 10-month-old girl was laughing AT me doing the peek-a-boo with her. So geli. She must be thinking that I'm such a silly doctor.

---

Then I found a new cause to champion for. Blood. There are too many thalassaemic children in the ward in heart failure, kept alive with anti-failure drugs waiting for suitable blood.

I'll never be eligible for blood donation as long as I'm still working as a HO because of the lack of sleep. Even as a medical student, I was rejected a couple of times because of I never get enough sleep. Then finally I was rejected because I got myself a tattoo. Need a year after tattoo to start donating again.

The other thing to champion for: thalassaemia screening and counseling, since it's sooooooooooo common here. A favour to those unborn children destined to live a life of frequent blood transfusions and finally succumbing to complications of multiple blood transfusions. And the anguish of their parents, and their lack of understanding of how scarce CDE-matched blood is, and the need for repeated blood-taking to constantly find the best matched blood.

I know that the trait is in my dad side of my family. Dad and sis have the trait. Me clear.

The battle of taking blood from a struggling and screaming child is physically draining, but the battle of bringing the parents onto your side, is both intellectually and emotionally draining.

"Balik-balik ambil darah..."

"Dahlah kurang darah, ambil darah dia lagi..."

"Perlukah cucuk dia doc? Dia takut bah doc..."

I know. I know. I know.

---

Stop here 1st. Sleepy. Want to take a nap.

Tagging

I'm so excited about going to CME tomorrow because I get to go back to Queen Elizabeth and miss the morning rounds at Likas! And also because I hope to catch a glimpse of certain people that I'm missing terribly.

Paeds suck big time. I'm just not cut out for it. Blood-taking is the worst bit. The workload is surprisingly not as much as surgery, not even half the load, but it's 10-fold more stressful because of the hostility and the distrust and the ego, and the need to prove oneself to be better than the other (among the MOs).

"Don't bother writing all those down, trust me, no one is going to read your notes" I was told by a superior.

Fine lor.

"Papa, betulkah papa tidak ada sini masa doktor buat round?" The child's dad noded.

That was after I just told the "superior" that the dad wasn't there when I was doing my rounds.

Why would I lie? Nothing to gain. I just don't get it. I can tolerate any unreasonable scolding, but this utter distrust is very hurtful.

I hope the bitch rot in hell.

Anyways, despite how much I always thought I dislike children, I find myself feeling weak in my knees and tears feeling up to the brim of my lower eye lids every time I see a ill child or when I have to prick a scared child, or when the child is crying in pain when I'm drawing blood from him.

I cannot help feeling frustrated when there's no blood for a thalassaemic child with Hb of 2.4 in heart failure.

I cannot forget how 4-year-old little Muhd. was bargaining with me not to prick him for blood.

"Tak nak jarum besar. Nak jarum kecil saja"... cry.... cry...

"Tak nak cucuk sini, sakit..."... cry... cry....

"Tak nak cucuk jarum... tolong mak... anak takut mak..."... cry... cry...

I took my time to find the perfect vein. 1 poke. Thank God.

Then I asked Muhd. to share the EDTA bottle, which he took eagerly from me and started vigorously shaking, quite happily, with his wet eyes and tear-stained face.

There's this one very naggy and "scoldy" specialist who doesn't speak, but scolds, all the time. She'll be screaming at us at every bed.

"What sort of rounds are you guys doing?"

"You guys really disappoint me..."

"You guys really make me feel like I fail as a specialist..."

"How can you guys let this happen?"

Then one 5-year-old boy in the ward with antibiotic-related rash, obviously affected by the specialist "heat", told his mum,

"Mummy, can we give doctor an ice-cream if she's angry?"

And the mum just chuckled and told the specialist, who turned red and gave a very fake laugh to cover her embarassment, I imagine.

PADAN muka. :D

I still cannot / don't know how to "Play" with a child. Some of my colleagues are a natural. I treat the child like an adult, especially the school-going ones. I explain the procedures step-by-step to them, and so far I find all of them quite responsive and very intelligent.

Ok, stopping here for now. Very tired.

Thank you!

Thank you all for your birthday wishes!

Birthdays nowadays are spent in denial. :) I'm so not ready to cross the quarter century mark.

Just got back around 11.15pm from my Day 2 of tagging in paediatrics. So far not very impressed. People in paeds here are arrogant and stuck up. A stark contrast to the paeds dept. back in SGH. And I always had this impression that paediatricians and paeds people in general are more pleasant.

Or maybe I'm just bias. But then again, HOs posted there previously also thought that the MOs are not very helpful. And but again, it's only my 2nd day. I should give paeds a chance because I feel that I owe Dr. Padmini (my paeds lecturer back in medical school) for being such a great lecturer. I actually liked paeds very much when I was in school. I'll see how I feel about the posting as a HO later on.


I have so much to tell but I'm just so tired tonight. 8 more days of 7-11pm tagging calls.
Need my beauty sleep. :P

Dear Mr. V...

Dear Mr. V,

I'm very grateful for your guidance, and your amazing patience and understanding despite my constant blunders and shortcomings. There are no other people that I respect more in this world than a great teacher.

Your compassion and genuine concern for your patients are a source of inspiration for me. Your persistent quest for details is something that I would strive to emulate.

I'm very lucky to have crossed path with you. When it's my time and when I'm in the position to guide others, I would remember you, and all that you have done for me.

THANK YOU!


Yours sincerely,

Sharon Chin
20 January 2007.

Going to paeds

Today I officially complete 4 months of internship. Congrats to me and to all my other friends throughout the country.

That means the end of my surgical posting though which I've come to love very much despite the amount of stress and battery it had inflicted on me, eg. 3 consecutive EOD calls (in an overloaded ward) with no sleep at all this week, and attachment to the busiest ward in the department for the last 2 weeks.

My dear colleague, Siti was sobbing and crying while tracing BUSE results on the phone last week as 4-5 other HOs sat at the nurses' station tracing results, writing discharge summaries, making referrals and filling up investigation forms. Everyone would be silent purposefully with the occasional outburst by the more extrovert ones.

Siti was doing the dreaded neuro rotation which I loathed too when it was my turn some months ago. So I can totally empathize with her.

Then another colleague, Shanti was doing uro rotation, with 9 admissions coming in at the same time. A few in pain because of urinary retention. I hated that rotation too. But Shanti's really very good natured, and I've yet to see her upset or frustrated. I need to learn a thing or two from her.

I was doing general surgery last week when the ward was at its peak. Patient lying on the floor with mattresses, and some in the procedure and store room.

I'll be running around taking blood and discharging patients, and then running down to radiology for imaging. But I'm proud to say that my success rate of getting urgent imaging studies is almost 100%, so it's almost exclusively my duty nowadays. Then the surgeon would be ordering us to the OT, and the MOs calling from the clinic for us to help out in the clinic.

So I would be always teasing Shanti, "Hey Shanti, Mr. T just called. He asked you to go to the clinic and OT and the ward at the same time STAT!"

Seriously, I feel like I need to trisect myself to get all the things done on time.

"Sharon, don't do everything yourself. Delegate." Mr. V said to me when he asked why the patient's blood culture result was not traced, and I quickly snatched the file from his hands and started calling the lab.

I was thinking very hard to myself, "And who am I suppose to delegate the job to?" It's only me and Aini, who's posting a case for emergency operation.

Shit, already 4.36pm. No answer. So I had to run down to the lab, and asked to be let into the lab and go through the results myself.

"NO ORGANISMS GROWN"

Great.

I have mixed feelings actually. Happy to be progressing. Happy to be leaving in a respectable way.

One of the GA MOs was kind of praising me the other day.

"You're good. Which uni?"

SOOOO proud to say, "UNIMAS". :)

Happy to that I'm not letting the missing the AF incident to continue to cast a black cloud over my head.

But, I'm feeling very heavy in my heart too because I'm leaving the people that I've come to be comfortable with, and of course I'm leaving my dear Mr. V.

How can I not miss him? How can I not feel the pang of a great loss once I've lost that constant contact with him? What's worse is that today my last day he didn't come for rounds because he's post-call, so I didn't get to say thank you and good bye and also I didn't get to shake his hands.

So I've decided to get him a thank you card. So I guess I won't be seeing him for some 8 months. Because my new posting is in another hospital some 12km away. That's going to be tough.

I'm supposed to report for duty tomorrow but since it's Sunday, I was told that the supervisor would not be around, so there's no point reporting tomorrow. So I've decided to chill out and read-up on some paeds stuff tomorrow.

And I need the time to recharge and regroup and brace myself for another major posting.

Pics!

The wedding went without a hitch. Thanks Bren. Thank you everyone for all your love and support!

Some informal pictures from my 4 days jome in Kuching!


The girls hanging out before the big day...


Love this shot with Kay and Sam, taken during the pre-wedding dinner.


The traditional veiling ceremony or something... but love this shot because I got all the phatographers!


Kay wanted a shot with Pheobe before leaving for the cathedral... Pheobe wasn't very cooperative...


With one of her flower girls, Nicole...


Got this gorgeous Punjabi suit for a bargain RM165/- the day before the wedding! So lucky! I have this thing for Indian traditional costumes. I own like 6 suits. I tried on a sari once but didn't get one because the really nice ones cost a bomb. Will get one in the future.


This is Lala. Met him while shopping for clothes.

Will write more and post more pics later this week. Have to pack up and get ready to fly back to KK. Start work tomorrow. :(

The wedding bells bypass me

Wow 24hrs just came and gone. Only less than 72hrs left in Kuching. But I think it's better not to actually keep track of the time and just enjoy myself.

Am feeling a bit weary with all that's going on with the wedding. Still haven't recovered from the tiring journey from KK back to Kuching.

My mum had a nice black dress tailored for me for the wedding reception, but I still have nothing to wear from the pre-wedding dinner and the wedding mass itself on Saturday. Plan to go shopping tomorrow.

Am going through the inevitable.

"So Sharon, when is your turn?"

Argghh.

Another thing. My dad reads my blog. Arggh. He's been teasing me about Mr. V. Almost died just now. He's asking me to show him pictures of Mr. V which I don't have, and don't intend to have. But mum's sensible to point out that he's married. Thanks mum.

I think the rule I give to anyone I see every day or keep in contact with regularly about reading my blog should apply to my dad too: NO discussing about my blog when meeting me in person. To read my blog and not ask me anything about it in person. Fair right?

At first I felt a little embarassed, but it's fine because then they would know what going on with my life.

But I'll continue to write whatever I like about some stupid MOs. My dad was saying that I shouldn't but I'm thinking that I'm not mentioning names, so it's not a big deal.

My colleague called me just now just as I was starting with my facial.

"Hey someone misses you..."

"Oh it's Uncle S isn't it?"

Uncle S is the patient who we're thinking may be having Munchaussen Syndrome. It's a psychiatric illness where the patient fabricates illness and willingly endures painful and invasive procedures. He's my patient until I left the ward for my leave yesterday. :)

"It's Mr. V la... he asked why you didn't inform him that you were taking leave..."

I was a little surprised. I didn't have to inform anyone the last time I took leave, as long as it's approved it should be ok.

"But don't worry la. He's ok about it."

"Oh ok."

But I flet unsettled. So I sms him after that but I didn't get any reply. Hope he doesn't feel that I was being disrespectful. I wanted to tell him yesterday when I saw him walking pass me in front of the casualty department when I was waiting for my cab, but he looked preoccupied with his handphone, so I didn't call out to him as he walked away and finally disappeared into walkway towards the central parking.

Just before we all dispersed for the day, he was counseling a patient and the patient's sons regarding the further plan of management for their father's thyroid malignancy. His phone rang and he removed the phone from his left pocket and passed it to me.

"Sharon, please answer my phone."

I took the phone an ran outside the side room.

"Hello?"

A long silence.

"Hello? Mr. V's engaged at the moment. He's counseling a patient and the family at the moment."

Finally...

"Oh ok." a very young female voice came from the other end of the line.

"May I know who's on the line please? I'll get Mr. V to call you back..."

"His wife."

"Ok. Will let him know."

"Ok thanks." Line went dead.

Then later when I passed Mr. V back his phone he asked, "Who was it?"

"Your wife."

He just took the phone and started fumbling with the keypads as he walked away from me. He didn't even say thank you, like how he would usually do.

Sigh.

My mum doesn't think I look thinner, but tonner. My old clothes at home are looser, but I haven't lost a single kilo! So mum's most probably right.

I need to resume swimming again.

Now a treat! Photos!


Pheobe in front of the wedding portraits. My sis, Karen and her husband, Sam. Haven't gotten hold of any nice pics of them yet.


Dad and Mum. Dad with his cool shirt and mum with her new hairdo.


With my darling Pheobe...


With schizophrenic Miss Jelly.


With relatives coming around the house to jive up the wedding atmosphere.

Cheers!

I can't sleep...

It's 1.30am, I can't sleep, and I have to work later. Why?

Cause I'm insanely excited that I'm going home!!!

Happy 2007!

Catching a flight straight after work later. So am bringing luggage to the ward. :) Bought a new Hush Puppies duffle traveling/overnight/oncall bag. Cost me around RM230/- after discount. Pretty decent. Traveling light this time. Not dragging any books with me this time, because now with Streamyx, I can access to virtually anything. :)

My supervisor is letting me stay in the current ward I'm working! And I'm so thrilled! Initially she said no, but I guess she thought that since it was my last 3 weeks, she decided to let me stay, and probably I actually opened my mouth and asked her. :)

In just one week with Mr. V, I've done peritoneal tapping, excision of lymph node and chest tube insertion! And he personally supervised me and my other colleagues! Where in the world would you find a surgeon who would roll up his sleeves and spend several hours after rounds to supervise interns in doing procedures, with step-by-step instructions and appropriate amount of encouragement in between?

I know that I'm going to miss Mr. V when I go off for me break, but I miss my family too much at the moment, and the smell of Pheobe's fur coat. :)

At the moment I'm not really very excited about the whole wedding deal, but I'm sure when I reach home, I'll be sucked into the atmosphere.

Have been trying to cheer up my housemate who's been down recently, trying to spend whatever free time I have with her, and I'm happy to note that she's happier these 2 days... she herself noted it too, and attributed it to the "good" calls she had. I can only pray for continuous strength for her. It's really up to her to help herself.

Will write more when I'm back in Kuching. I have to summarize a patient's 3 volumes worth of medical history for tomorrow's rounds. The consultant, Mr. C is back from a long break, and we have to present detail history of all the patients in the ward tomorrow.

Oh ya, had a delicious slice of expresso cheesecake at Secret Recipi after dinner just now. Sinful. :)

Remind me to write about a monster of a MO in my next entry. That stupid bastard.

New Year Resolutions

my playground, originally uploaded by sharonhappymorgue.

Will probably be celebrating new year in the OT because I'm on 3rd call new year's eve. No problem with me because what's new year celebration without my family. The only unfortunate thing is that I'll be oncall with the 1 MO that currently everybody's (my team la) bitching about. Just hope that there'll be no emergency op tomorrow so I don't have to spend hours of uncomfortable silence with him while retracting some obese abdominal wall.

I've picked up from my slight stumble the other day before Christmas. In fact I'm deliriously happy at the moment. I'm in Mr. V's ward, and everyday is a great learning experience. I did my first excisional biopsy of an inguinal lymph node yesterday! So super cool, at the expence of 2 veins and 1 artery, and Mr. V's shirt. :) Mr. V patiently guided me through the supposedly 10-15mins procedure which I took some 1hr+! But he was so encouraging and nurturing. And I dropped 2 instruments. :)

He was like, "Very good. There goes another instrument..."

But my 2 envious colleagues observing me noted that I was calm and collected throughout my first "baby laparatomy". Hehe.

Because of the festivity at the moment, our ward is reduced to 3 patients! It's just sooooo amazing. It's difficult to accept looking into an empty ward. It's more familiar when it's ridden with some 30-40 patients.

But Mr. V won't let us take turns to come for morning rounds and insisted all 3 HOs to come eventhough there's only like 3 patients. So he would be discussing each case in detail with us and make us go back and read up on some topics for discussion the following day. And that's just really cool because I've learnt so much in these few days compared to my 3 months in the other wards.

So for tomorrow we'll be discussing on Starling's forces and oedema in a patient with Fournier's gangrene, SIRS, adrenal tuberculosis and urobilinogen and bile in the urine.

And Mr. V let us take turns to do peritoneal tapping on an uncle who has malignant ascites who's currently in the ward. It's no joke waiting almost 2 hours tapping 2L of blood-stained fluid. Mr. V insisted that we must be bedside throughout the tap until the end.

I'm learning to convert my infatuation for Mr. V into respect. I think the progress is excellent because there's nothing but respect I have for this fine man at the moment. He's such a great teacher, on top of a being a great doctor. Many patients I see everyday praise him for his compassion and personal touch. He would always grab a chair and sit next to the patient and ask how he was doing and always explained whatever management to the patient.

He's the only surgeon doing that.

I think my colleague W is suspecting some chemistry between Mr. V and I, but he can suspect all he wants. Mr. V would always have a special place in my heart, and I wish him all my very best. I know I'm going to miss him when I finish surgery in a couple of weeks time.

I was telling my friend this morning that what I'm feeling now is rather sad, but hopeful.

I feel the situation with Mr. V is like as if I've met my soulmate, but I can't be with him because someone else needs him more than me at the moment.

So my new year resolutions:

1) To be healthier physically
2) To be more inquisitive and eager to learn more of my field
3) To have more empathy
4) To appreciate what I have and not sulk over what I don't have

Happy 2007!

Christmas away from home

Let me sum up a very eventful week:

1. Subanxiety attack, went to psychistric clinic - told to have adjustment disorder, but should pass with some mentality change
2. Realization that I'm not over Mr. V - having fantasies of having an affair with him
3. Did a pretty damn good job with my HO presentation - the only thing that I can be proud of throughout my 3-month stint as a HO
4. My sis had a missed miscarriage - I don't know how to feel
5. Got an indecent proposal from an MO - the 1st time in my life I feel sexually threatened
6. Someone told me that I dress sloppy and old - very, VERY upset
7. I'm still binging Day 3 - Christmas resolution was to go on a diet starting Boxing Day
8. Realization that I have great friends - those here in my midst, and those faraway
9. First Christmas away from home - so touched by the choir of Sacred Heart Church this morning which sang like angels

Paul was asking why I never mention about my colleagues. It's hard to form any bond at all because of our weekly rotations, and sometimes solo HO rotations. Like in my case, I've been solo for the past 5 weeks; 2 weeks Neuro, 2 weeks Uro then 1 week surgical extension. It's lonely and frustrating because there's no one to share/bitch with. But tomorrow I'll be back in the acute ward with 2 other HOs. Happy.

But I admit I have found great friends, and binging buddies.

I'm counting down to going home on 4th January.

I'm feeling better, but am currently worried about my housemate, who's also a HO, who's very depressed recently and has been openly saying that she's having suicidal ideation. I need to figure out how to get her some help. At the rate she's binging, that criterium alone is enough to diagnose major depression.

Even I need some help

I'm not feeling too well these couple of days. I can't sleep well. I get palpitations at night and even some breathlessness thinking about going to work and all that I have to do for the day. And I'm just so tired all the time and I'm having some degree of anhedonia.

I had a bad, bad call last night. Nobody died, but I was on my toes from 6pm when my call started right up to 5.30am the following morning. Admissions after admissions. I think my MO thought I was a little bit too slow in my work, but being the perfectionist that I can be, I wanted details. Now compounded with the missing a fast AF incident, I'm to the point of obsessive.

The GA MO oncall was bitchy, and 1 patient's op was canceled because the patient drank prior to being wheeled into OT, and she claimed that I did not instruct her not to eat or drink. But later she admitted to my MO that she forgot that she wasn't supposed to eat or drink, but that was after everyone in the OT was bitching about me.

That's not the worse part. Mr. V was oncall, and I thought I sort of asked a very stupid question. I almost died.

I kept on reassuring myself by saying, "Ask, and be a fool for 5 minutes. Don't ask, be a fool forever".

Problem is, I'm feeling like a fool for about 14 hours now.

I was so tired this morning when I finally completed the clerking, blood-taking, filling all the investigation forms and drug chart for the 4.30am admission around 5.30am, I felt like crying.

I can't face my 20+ patients in the Surgical Extension Ward.

I called my supervisor and explained to her that I can't work today. She was asking a lot of questions... URTI? Pain? Fever? Must get MC from casulty, she doesn't give leave to situations like mine... etc.

I told her frankly I'm not running a temperature, no URTI, no pain, no physical illness. I just can't work today because I'm just so tired.

"Sharon, are you in depression?"

"No, I'm just tired."

Finally after a 15mins phone call, she finally gave me the EL (Emergency Leave).

I got home and collapsed onto my bed, but the palpitations started again, and I swear I was breathing quite fast. I can't rest.

I got up. Took my bath. Sat down. Waited to around 8am and I called the Hospital and asked to be connected to the Psychiatry Clinic. I wanted an appointment.

3.30pm.

I'm scared that I might just lose it. My sis did several years back, and it traumatised me quite a bit. I'm scared. I just need some reassurance that I'm ok. And that everyone else was going through the same thing. Some reassurance that I'll be able to get through all these.

I wish I was a bird flying in the KK skies.

Some updates

1. I'm now online. Got my broadband set up today. But I'm not feeling very motivated to write.
2. I'm still bummed about Uncle Patrick's passing.
3. I'm bummed that I missed a fast AF in a patient, which could have been fatal for the patient. And for that I got, needless to say, a big scolding from the cardiology MO. I wish he knew how sorry and incompetent I feel right now.
4. I'm so tired but I can't sleep well.
5. I have a presentation this Friday. 2 big topics.
6. I realized early this week that I'm not over Mr. V, and it's killing me.
7. I'll be taking care of 20+ patients all by myself starting tomorrow.
8. But I'm happy.

Patrick did not make it for Christmas

A dear patient of mine, Patrick, who was in the ward eversince I started working passed away unexpectedly during my call yesterday. And it's very hard to get over it.

The night before he passed we were chatting about life and his children and wife, and life for me in Sabah and English language standard in Sabah compared to Sarawak and how much he was hoping to go home for Christmas.

Then yesterday just after noon time, the nurses alerted me that he was having breathing troubles. I instructed him to be put on high-flow mask and I prepared to take his blood for ABG. But before I could poke him, his oxygen saturation dropped from 94% to 70% in just a flicker on the monitor. BP ridiculously low.

"Staff Nurse, tarik trolley, tarik screen."

I proceeded to call my MO.

"Dr. K. Patient desaturating. Come stat."

"Be there." Line dead.

Patrick went peacefully but the family's wish was for us to do everything possible to revive him. We resuscitated him for a record 2 hours and even ran a pint of blood.

But there was never any sign of life from Patrick's limp body in the 2 hours of resuscitation.

Earlier he went for a chest x-ray because the team that was seeing him was suspecting pneumonia. But it turned out he most probably has a pulmonary embolism, most probably due to a tumour embolus from his rectal ca. DVT was less likely because his coagulation profiles were prolonged.

I never felt so emotional and frustrated after an unsuccessful resuscitation before. I was forcing to keep my tears from flowing off the brim of my lower lids when the family came to thank me for trying so hard to resuscitate him.

That was so hard. So I went hiding in the HO room until after they brought his body home.

I will always remember brave and cheerful Uncle Patrick.

I'm sure Christmas is more beautiful in heaven.

No, no to guys who smoke and hate doggies

Time flies when you're having fun. But time flies even when I'm not. Good and bad la. Good because theoretically I'm supposedly be over the slavery of my job and the directionless life that I'm leading at the moment with each passing day and week and month. Bad because I'm getting old and still not a clear path ahead of me.

In some ways I envy my sis because she's forced to make a milestone, even though she's ill-prepared at the moment, but who is ever truly ready for marriage and kids?

I'll be very busy tomorrow onwards (yes tomorrow, Sunday) because some big-shot urologist consultant from KL is coming and we have to have a grand round with him tomorrow afternoon and it would be full swing operations from Monday to Wednesday. Seniors said be prepared to leave work 8-9pm everyday. Sigh.

Post-call today. Had a bad call last night because there was a 16-year-old girl with rectal cancer and brain mets in the ward who was in sepsis and having hallucinations last night. Throughout the night her BP was between 60/45 to 80/50 on noradrenaline and she was screaming and crying the whole night because she was seeing a ghost at the window. She even asked me to ask the ghost to leave, to which I obliged.

She even asked me half-way during one of her freaking-out episodes, in a very weird and calm voice, whether I was a Muslim. I just answered "no" and that I was a Christian, and she started screaming and kept pointing frantically at the glass window that showed a panoramic view of the brightly-lit street of Jalan Penanmpang. No ugly ghost.

The nurses were very annoyed with her, and I think they secretly gave her midazolam without letting the doctors knowing about it.

The surgeon on call came around 11pm last night to check on her, and discussed with the girl's sister about her poor prognosis and the final decision at the end of the discussion was not to resuscitate if she should collapse last night.

It should have been a relief for any HO on call, but seriously, how can I not feel for the 16-year-old girl. The world had given up on her.

So throughout the night I monitored her, and amazingly, her BP picked up around 3am this morning, and in fact she was quite well before I left the ward around 6am this morning to go to my regular ward to start my morning reviews.

She was throwing a tantrum because she wanted to drink Coke. She was actually not allowed orally, but I didn't see any reason why she was, so I allowed her sips of clear fluids because initially she was crying and begging for water because she felt thirsty.

She was still holding up when I enquired about her from my colleague around 1.30pm after I finished my work just now.

I would always remember little Masnini.

Another patient who kept me worrying the whole night was one lady, post-thyroidectomy with hypocalcaemia, who had all the classical symptoms and signs. Carpopedal spasm, perioral numbness, muscle twitching, etc. Luckily she slept through the night with her calcium correction infusion until I woke her up 5am this morning to take her blood for another serum calcium level.

I had a huge and hearty Indian lunch and just now an equally huge and hearty Japanese dinner. Spent more than RM50 for both meals. It's a personal tradition to treat myself after an exhausting call or a busy week. Or whenever I have the time. I actually slept the whole afternoon, and could have slept through the evening and probably until tomorrow morning, but I figured that I want to enjoy a little. That would pick my spirits up a little before tomorrow.

And I had Häagen-Dazs chocolate ice-cream. Heaven. :)

And the alone time was blissful too. It's only when I'm in this line of service that I truly appreciate my personal time more.

I just found out that government servants are not supposed to have body piercings or tattoos. Oops. It's in the agreemnet letter we signed before we accepted the post. Which I didn't actually got around reading. :) Oops.

It's hard to get over Mr. V. I still "catch" myself looking out for him in the ward. Hoping that he would notice me or make eye contact with me. I was telling a colleague who was trying to introduce me to his eligible friends that I was into Mr. V until I found out that he was married and expecting a baby.

"You backed out because he was married or because of the baby?"

Idiot!!!

I'm not such a bitch ok. :)

And he just said that I appeared in his life at the wrong time.

Yeah, that's true.

Anyways, I wasn't interested in any of his friends because they either smoke or don't like doggies, which are 2 basic things I look out for.

I think it's reasonable, kan? (In the Sabahan accent)

So I try to console myself by thinking that Mr. V probably hated doggies. I know he doesn't smoke.

Ok, it's 10. Need to drive back now. My broadband still not up yet. Telekom here in KK sucks la. 3 working days and my land line here still can't call out.

Good night!

a VERY long post

My week after returning from Kuching had been an eventful one.

I got back to work to find that I've been pulled out from Mr. V's ward back to the female ward. :( Bummer. Later I overheard that the consultant wanted to keep an eye on some new HOs coming into the department so that's why the reshuffling. I was moved to make room for the new HOs, so that's understandable but they cost me my Mr. V! :(

Then I saw the result list of the exam the other day! I was the only 1st poster to pass! Only 3 of us from about 13 HOs had clear passes! 3 had borderline passes, meaning that they had to go through a viva to pass the posting, and the rest have to resit another paper later this month.

I was delighted because I realized I made a few good decisions during my exam the other day. I couldn't manage most of the case scenarios in detail, but I gave the outline of the principle of management. I guess that's all they wanted. They didn't expect very much from us. It was even more surprising because I actually abandoned the exam 45mins earlier than my other colleagues because I just couldn't answer anything anymore. And for each question, I only wrote in 1 sheet of paper, where as my friends were scribbling in 3-4 sheets each question.

I guess they just wanted some common sense and practicability, not sheer brilliance.

But my elation was short-lived. In fact, it was the start of a series of unfortunate events for me.

That night on call started out a busy night. OT hadn't call, so I helped my colleague doing 1st Call to review the Urology patients in the male ward. The regular Urology HO just finished clerking a new admission and passed over the case to the HO oncall. He then saw me reviewing patients and asked me to help with blood-taking since the 1st Call HO was extremely busy that time. Of course I immediately agreed. I could understand very well how busy it can get in 1st Call.

30mins later, OT called. 4 pending cases. I told the 1st Call HO that I reveiwed all the Urology patients and took blood for the new admission and he was so grateful.

I was in the OT from 9pm until 1am. 1 simple acute appendicitis, 2 perforated ones, and one appendicular mass. Now I'm officially a competent retractor.

Just as I thought I could catch some sleep, the Neurosurgery MO called me to escort a patient with head injury for an urgent CT brain, because the Neuro HO oncall was busy in the ward. Of course I had to go la.

Got back to my HO room around 3.30am, and just as I was about to slip under the blanket, my phone rang again. OT stat. Ruptured ectopic pregnancy. Patient was in surgical ward because they initially thought she had ?pyelonephritis. And she's deteriorating.

That was one exciting case. As soon as they exposed her abdomen, clots of blood just popped out from her belly. I was excited but the MO doing the operation was very unsettled. But she got the bleeding controlled and her ruptured tube sutured back nicely. She survived the operation with blood and FFP transfusion.

I got back to my regular ward around 6am, only to have time for a quick shower and started reviwing my ward patients at 6.30am.

When my MO came for his rounds this morning, he asked me why I hadn't inform him of the new admission. Patient was in renal failure and I didn't inform anyone.

I was stunned. I didn't clerk any new admissions. I was in the OT the whole freaking night.

Then a few HOs from the male ward came up to the female ward just to ask how I was doing... had I heard about the mess?

What mess?

Apparently the Urology MO had blamed me for not informing anyone about the new admission. And he reported me to the Urology consultant, who went on to complaint about me to the Surgeon in charge of HOs and the Head of Department. And everyone knew about it except me.

I was shocked.

Why am I being blammed? Then I realized I took blood from that patient. I didn't even know what case he was. I just helped with blood-taking.

Then one senior HO pulled me aside and told me to watch out because the Urology MO was trying to cover his ass because he accepted the case to be admitted but he did not review the patient in the ward, so now he's trying to make me as a scapegoat by saying that I was so irresponsible to have taken the patient's blood without bothering tracing the results (even though I was in the OT the whole night) and because of that the patient in renal failure was left overnight in the ward without any specific management plan for his renal failure.

He has a reputation for that.

But why me? I had always been good to him. Everytime we were paired to be oncall, I always tried not to bother him too much with trivial things.

Damn. What injustice.

I was so upset. If I keep quiet, then it would mean that I was guilty and there's a risk of getting extended. So I decided to confront the stupid MO.

From the moment he started bombarding me through the phone, I learnt something new about him. He's just an egoistic and incompetent MO.

He just started saying that I was a lousy HO and that if I couldn't find time to trace the blood results I shouldn't have taken the blood in the first place and shit and stuff. And he even blamed the regular Urology HO for creating the mess for me. What a coward.

But I made one blunder... he was going on and on about how he was doing everything because he cared for the patients...

I remembered all the times when we were oncall he asked the patients to fuck off because they were complaining about stuff too much.

So my spinal cord reflex was to exclaim, "Come on, you don't give a damn about your patients!"

That was a mistake. He was stunned. Then he threatened me. If I was going to be like that, I had better watch out.

I was satisfied to have offended him, but when I imagine the possible consequences, I was really regretful. But the damage had been done.

So I decided in an instance to apologize and say that if it was going to make everyone happy, then I'll take the blame for whatever happens to the patient. I said sorry again and hung up.

There was no point arguing with a MO, because they are "boss" (my foot). I can't work with people I don't respect, but I have to do 2 weeks of Urology starting tomorrow. And I'm oncall with him coming Friday. Such bad luck.

In my heart I was plotting. I wasn't going to be a HO all my life. He better watch out for me. But I was very, very upset, and frustrated.

All I strive everyday when I drag my feet to the wards at 5.30am was to do everything right as much as possible, never losing focus and never slacking, and now this injustice.

I started walking to my head of department office to submit my claims form for my 2 months of oncalls, because it was the last day before the fiscal year was over for any claims to be made.

I greeted Mr. C and put my forms on the table. He said to leave it there. I looked at him, and I thought of dad. I needed to talk to dad. So I just braved myself and asked, "Mr. C, are you very busy now? Can I talk to you for a while?"

He looked up to make eye contact with me and I thought more of dad. And tears started trickling down my cheeks.

"Oh, sure. Take a sit." He was surprised to see my tears.

Then I started telling him about the whole incident, with the mess on my face because of my tears and runny nose.

He listened to me and after a minute or so after I finished with my account of the incident, he calmly outlined the situation to me, and explained what I should have done.

It's partly my fault because once we take a patient's blood, even though we might be just helping out a colleague, it comes with some degree of responsibility and obligation.

I understood.

Then he assured me that it was a small issue blown out of proportion. He said that I have to toughen up a bit. And that I would be blamed for more things in the future.

Not actually comforting words, but I guess listening to his fatherly voice and having him consoling me a little helped me a little. I asked to sit in his office for a while until I compose myself and excuse myself.

"Thank you Mr. C." Then I walked down the hall that was jam-packed with patients.

I don't know how, but I have become stronger. I'm sure I can face another insult like that.

But working has exposed me to so many kinds of people. Both good and bad. And know I know a little better.

When I'm down, I love to think of my family, especially my parents. It's just my greatest joy. Whcih brings me to my "big" news the other day when I was home but I just didn't know how to start telling.

My sis is 9 weeks pregnant.

She told me on my 2nd day home in Kuching. I was very happy for her, but I was very worried about how my parents would take the news. So for 2 days after that my sis and I were cracking our heads on how to tell my parents. The anguish of that 2 days were quite unbearable.

I felt like I was the one pregnant and had to tell my parents.

I was worried that my parents would be angry, and worse, terribly disappointed and heartbroken. This despite all those years of patience and understanding from them. Despite all that I still doubted them.

So that morning when finally my sis told my parents, I had never realized how silly I was for doubting them so much.

My parents were shocked, but they quickly accepted the situation and thought only the best for my sister.

My dad even said, "I'm going to be a very young grandpa!"

And my mum turned to Pheobe and said, "Pheobs, you're going to be an auntie soon!"

I was crying because I was so happy! And I felt silly for thinking my parents would disown my sister.

I'm so so proud of my parents.

So I truly recovered from my little incident in the ward very quickly because I kept thinking of my super family. And how much I love them all.

Even now that I'm all alone this weekend (friends off somewhere, no boyfriend, no doggies to play with, tired of shopping) I'm still so happy just thinking of my family.

And I'm very sure I can face my 2 weeks of Urology starting tomorrow with that monster of a MO without a hitch. I'll work so hard that he can't find any fault with me.

And I have to apply for leave again because my sis is getting married in January! :)

What a short holiday

I'm leaving for KK in 2 hours time. Can't say I'm thrilled about it having to leave the comfort of home, my family, nice local food... and all my new friends. But as sick as it may sound, I'm actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. And I'm excited that I'm doing 3rd call tomorrow... which means OT call and covering my other colleagues doing 1st, 2nd and 3rd calls. Quite lepak la unless too many admissions I have to step in. My main job for 3rd call is to assist in any emergency operations during the night. And I'm oncall with my current ward MO who's really cool.

I'm hoping he would let me do appendicectomy.



That's Bruce the kitten (who my parents picked up at the Badruddin Road traffic light, now adopted by my aunt) and Leon their Scottish Fold. Cute eh?

Something big is happening in my family. Dying to write about it but timing's out a little. Maybe this weekend after work.

Cheers!

Pictures, pictures, pictures!

Congratulations to my old pal from school Joyce the Ho! She looked stunning last night. The guy who tamed her, Dr. Fong, a really calm and composed guy, who spoke very eloquently and was, as expected, quite the opposite of our Joyce the Ho. But I'm really, really happy for Joyce.



All my best wishes deary! I want to see little Joyces running around and tugging your skirt the next time we meet ya. :) And eating ice-cream and throwing a tantrum. :)



This is really the break I needed. :) And I just got great news from a colleague about an hour ago! I passed my exam! Sooooooooooo happy! :) I was quite sure that I flunked my 2nd question, but Francis said that I had a clear pass. :) Such blessing from God! So definitely I'll be moving on to my next posting 21 January 2007, most probably paediatrics.

It's paradoxically a little sadenning as well because I realized that my surgery days as a HO are numbered and that I won't have the comfort of being a 1st poster anymore.



I have a new friend, Teddy. :)



He's my new beau. ;)

Kuching

Damn I can't sleep in. I woke up exactly at 4.30am.

It's really good to be home in clean and civil Kuching. Hehe. In terms of cleanliness, we all agree that Kuching has no rivals. In terms of civility, I think KK people have a lot of catching up to do.

Anyways, I just got my first pay yesterday, before flying back home! I finally found a place near my apartment to get my car aircond fixed, and was told that my car's cooling coil was a mess. So everything would cost me RM448! I was thinking shit I only had RM500 in my account... but what the heck better get it fixed and after all I was flying home in the afternoon. Drove to the bank and was pleasantly surprised that I got 2 months pay! Yipee! Got my damn aircond fixed and even asked the guy in the shop whether there was anything else to be fixed... he said my car condenser looked a little weary but would still hold up for now, but be prepared to change it soon... that would cost me about 500-700.

Ok.

Got to Terminal 2 (Air Asia) about 90mins before my flight. What a war zone. I waited to be checked in for almost 2 hours! Air Asia was off line so, they didn't have any Plan B to handle situation like that. All the flights around the time of my flight was delayed around 30mins.

I think they are just making us suffer for the cheap rates we are getting. I got my return tickets for around RM190! If I fly MAS, that would cost me RM500! So mum said not to complain too much.



The moment I landed in Kuching, all I could think off was food. I told my parents I wanted to eat laksa, chau chai hu nam, Indian food at Ammah Curry house, ice kacang at Hui Sing, kiam hu tu bak at Petanak Market and etc.

And I only have 4 and a half days.

But for dinner we went to a new place serving curry fish head as their specialty. My treat. But we ended loving the salted fish with pork and fried kway teow. The curry fish head was ok, but my family has high threshold for spicy and salty food, so my dad thought it was little tasteless.

After dinner we off to meet my newest cuz! Pepper! A 7-month-old Bull Mastif mix. She's so loving and adorable!



That's my present for Pepper. That piece of rag cost me RM12.80. It's a wonder how the manufacturers were so sure that doggies would like it.



Pepper completely abandoned my dad (who was her fav) and started hanging out with me! :)



This is Pepper's story: Given up by previous owner because she was too destructive and disobedient. Oferred to my aunt, but she thought Pepper looked kurap so she didn't want to adopt her. Then offered to my uncle, who already had 3 other dogs. But Pepper was too adorable. :) Now I have a new cuzzie.



She loves me!



My uncle's old Rottweiller, Sheba developed generalized paresis after a brief bout of illness for about 5 weeks now. Now she's completely dependent on my uncle and his family for everything. It's only this week that she's able to pick up her head and now she's back to her old agressive self, barking very ferociously when strangers come by to the house or the postman. But she still can't stand up. It actually drove my uncle into depression because like my dad, most of my uncles are truest and most genuine animal lovers. It just kills him that Sheba may not have a very good quality of life if she doesn't recover from this.



So every night my dad would go over to my uncle's place to help with Sheba's rehabilitation. When I saw what they did last night, I realized it was truly a labour of love... how they strap the custom-made vest (which cost my uncle about RM500) and mount Sheba's 50+kg of muscle and mostly fat onto the custom-made "wheelchair", according to my uncle. They went online a did some research of how to build the wheelchair because they didn't really know who to consult in Kuching about Sheba's condition. Her vet just said that her condition was most probably permanent.



They told me that Sheba has improved quite a bit. She's lifting her head now, and her hind paws are actually in the stance position... it used to be like her front paws, in the flexed position.



My dad now is Sheba's faithful and dedicated physiotherapist. But my uncle said that they are bringing in an acunpunturist this weekend for her. I really didn't say anything. My thoughts were that my uncle would feel much better if he felt that he was doing everything he can to help Sheba, which was the most important. Sheba was not suffering. She's actually enjoying all the attention she's getting. She actually dozed off when my dad was exercising her limbs.



That's mum and I with Pepper. We colour coordinated with her last night. :)

So much things to do at home and so little time, but I'm determined to make the full use of it. I have a facial appointment this afternoon. Think of doing something to my hair.

But first laksa for breakfast. But my mum and Pheobe are still asleep. Don't care. Will wake them up.

Going home next week!

Yipee! Tomorrow is my last day in Neurosurgery! Eventhough my stupid MO "threatened" to keep me for another 4 weeks. Crazy pig. He's just pretending, I think actually he likes me as his HO, because I get his dirty jobs done, especially making silly referrals to other departments for conditions that even our department should be able to manage. So embarassing some times... getting scolded or ridiculed by MOs from other departments, but it helps when I'm a girl I guess, so some of the male MOs actually felt sorry for me because I have to do the stupid referrals. :) What to do? If already no place to put my face, have to use the demsel in distress act.

I'm learning to be more cunning in this field. All for the sake of the patient. Everything for them.

But unfortunately I lost my temper twice this week. But thinking about it now makes me so regretful.

One patient's brother-in-law kept on ranting on and on about their financial constraints and how he couldn't time off work and that he was so busy and all and always demanded to speak to the doctors.

I was so fucking pissed off with him. In a raised but fairly controlled tone, I gave him a piece of my mind. Even the staff nurses (who love me by the way) felt very uneasy, and even scared(?)

And the second time was with another patient's dad, who kept on complaining about his comatous son passing hard, stool, soft stool, straining on defecation, etc, you know the normal stuff, and he would be so inconsiderate to interrupot doctors and nurses even during emergency or resuscitation just to conmplain.

He also I gave a piece of my mind. And he kept on apologizing after that.

I felt a sense of relief after that because at first I thought I did everyone a favour in the ward, but now I really do feel lousy about that 2 incident.

I don't have a high EQ after, as Adeline used to praise me constantly about.

And my level of vulgarity has increased exponentially as well.

I know I can be quite intimidating, but I never realized my super power. People listen. Even during the departmental meeting, when I spoke, everybody kept absolutely silent to hear me out. I was quite amazed. Maybe because I've been keeping a low profile for the last 2 months.

Then departmental meeting. My total fine for 2 months came up to RM94! Shit man, seriously. I mean we work our asses off and the stupid sisters in the ward (who by the way do nothing everyday) looks for stuff to fine us the HOs. Some of my colleagues' fines went as high as RM120! AARRGGHHH!!!

According to my head of department, the fines would go to a fund to buy paper and some other stationery, and to our "Surgical Night" on the December 1st.

I won't go even if they pay me back all the "fine" they extorted from me, and on top of that give me 1 million ringgit, I still won't go.

And I'm going to volunteer to be oncall that night, I don't mind. For free also I don't mind. 1st call some more I also don't mind. With the bitchy surgeon also I don't mind.

As long as I don't have to go for the dinner.

Why should I spent my precious hospital-free time with hospital people? And pretend to be jolly and happy? Crazy. I might be neurotic, but I AM NOT CRAZY, ok?

But I would rather go oncall? Ok, maybe a little crazy.

Then I have exam on Monday after work. So not excited about it. As a first poster, I get 2 chances to sit for the exam. So if I fail this one, I get to sit for another one next month. But for the other 2nd, 3rd and 4th posters, they only get one chance. If they fail, they automatically get extended 1 month. For 5th posters, they are expected to pass, but they wouldn't actually get extended because they have to be sent to the district hospitals once there time for surgery is up.

But I'm not sweating about it. Seniors said just to be clear about management of certain conditions in the ward, because questions are practical things, few things are from the books really. I guess I just need to sit down and imagine scenarios after scenarios of different conditions and see 9if I can manage them well.

I'm so not going to read from my textbook.

2 things to look forward to next week:

(1) I'll be in Mr. V's ward for 4 weeks starting Monday! And I'm estatic, eventhough my housemates didn't think that if was a great thing.

"Sharon, I thought you said you are over him..."

I am la. But I'm still deliriously happy. :)

And I'm so motivated to learn more, and work harder.

If I can get to the wards 5.45am for Neurosurgery, eventhough I hated it like hell, I'm sure I'm willing to do much more for my Mr. V. I'll make sure I get everything done and sorted out for all my patients. I promise to know every single detail about each and every patient in my ward, and I'm going to be more daring to ask to do more procedures and assist in operations. And I'm going down to the clinics more often.

Wahlau. So motivated. :)

Then I'm flying home to Kuching on Thursday!!! I can't wait to touch my darling Pheobe fur coat again after slightly more than 2 months away from my dearie.

I was telling 2 of my male colleagues who loved to irritate me that both their lives combined weren't even worth my doggie's tip of the tail.

They found it so funny, but what the 2 silly guys didn't know was that I really meant it.

One of them was getting too friendly with me. A little bit too physical, so I'm sending him a message to keep his hands to himself.

And I was stalked by a Urology uncle in the ward when I was oncall the other night and by a patient's son.

The Urology uncle kept on staring at me when I was over at his bed to review him. He asked me whether I was Eurasian. I said no and said good night, but that whole night he was following me around the ward, and he kept staring at me. I thought I was in the psychiatry ward. And the patient's son kept of greeting me the whole day, and would pretend to ask emquestions about his mother (even though she wasn't my patient) and loved to brush himself against me in the crowded female ward.

Very sick. The problem was he was very courteous and he knew how to pretend very well, so I couldn't scold him or anything. I would look like a perasan bitch if I did.

Glad now I'm permanently in the male ward. Except maybe later in my 4th month Urology in the female ward, but by then that patient would be gone or sent to the extension ward.

Today I'm going to chill out and clean my dirty room. It's so gross now. I feel like I'm living in a straight guy's apartment. So unbecoming for a 25-year-old SINGLE female.

And I need to iron all my clothes for the week. I've been too lazy to iron that I've been resorting to wearing my solid colour lycra tops with plain skirts on a daily basis. Luckily I have many colours.

When I get my pay, I'm going to buy lots and lots of clothes. I'm just bored with recycling all my clothes.

Ok, keying off now. I'll be blogging from home next week. Wish me luck in my exam and my new posting at Mr. V's ward. Pray that I don't fall back in love with him. And lastly, pray for my sanity. Thanks!

Super sensitive me.

What a see-saw week!

My neurosurgery posting began quite disastrously.

My MO is a very crude man. He doesn't speaks, he commands. He doesn't ask, he demands, and he doesn't believe, he suspects.

Neurosurgical patients are a hassle to review. Checking their GCS is a chore, especially those who refuses to cooperate or purposely playing dead, and poor me have to cajoule them every day so that I won't have to record a drop in their GCS. GCS is a scoring system to grade a person's consciousness. 15/15 means alert and very conscious. And you can't get anymore comatous with a 3/15. Then sometimes when the patient wants my attention (after I ignore her for a while) she starts banging her pulse oximetry on the metal bars of her bed or slides the detector off her thumb and the oxygen saturation drops and the pulse oximeter starts beeping. Damn those vegetables!

My MO never lets me finish any of my sentences and he is so impatient, and I feel so hurt that he doesn't trust me even a little bit. There was a patient who had a MVA and was sent to the surgical ward but it was not specified whether the patient was admitted to genertal surgery of neurosurgery, so my MO asked me to clerk the patient and process her... but after he left the MO for general surgery came and started assessing the patient and the HOs told me that the patient was under them, so I didn't clerk the patient. My MO came back and asked me why I didn't clerk the patient, so I explained the simple fact that she was under general surgery.

"You sure ah Sharon? Are you sure that the patient is under general surgery?"

I was SO MAD.

What the fuck?

I said, "Dr. S, come with me."

I brought him to the general surgery HO at the nurses' station.

I said to the HO, "Dr. L, please tell Dr. S that the patient is under your unit. He doesn't believe me."

My MO gave me a jaw-dropping expression.

"Sharon, you're too much la. Accusing me of not believing you."

And then he smiled.

During the afternoon rounds, he offered me a sweet, but I didn't want it because I just brushed my teeth after lunch.

He was little taken aback I guess. "Sharon, I know you hate me. But don't be like that la. We have to work together."

I just feel very misunderstood all over again. I think it's just my face la. Or I'm just a bad pretender.

And he shoved the strawberry sweet into my hand.

And I threw it away after the evening rounds.

Then the following day I was called to paeds surgery because a patient was (?)fitting and the regular HO there was called to the casualty to escort a patient. The 11month-old child was not fitting but having a really bad bout of spasm. I called MO I, he didn't pick up. I called MO II, he asked me to call paeds MO, but paeds MO was away in another hospital and he said that my neurosurgical MO should attend to the patient stat and do whatever necessary first until he gets there. Then I called MO III, and he came (thank God) immediately. (I should have called him first la). So we resuscitated the poor child together and luckily he stabilized.

MO III asked me document EVERYTHING that happened. So I wrote EVERYTHING la, including calling MO I and MO II.

MO I was very angry at me. Cornered me after evening rounds and scolded me and even threatened me a little. I was so hurt. What did I do wrong? I was very upset that evening, so another senior HO explained that we sometimes have to "bend" a little when we are working.

That night I couldn't sleep, so I sent MO I a very, very long sms to tell him how I felt and that he treated me badly and unfairly considering that I was new and what I did was the right thing to do. He replied simply that everything was alright and that I should get a good night sleep.

The next day he was super nice to me. Taught me about everything that came up in each patient. Even gave me some homework to do so that we could discuss the following morning.

So that's settled.

But really la, I hate, I mean REALLY hate neurosurgery. It's a field where humans try to play God, and fail miserably. It's a field of empty promises. Most of the brain tumour patient end up vegetables after debulking.

Dr. V is back into the picture. Yesterday I was eating alone in the cafe when he walked in. He initially walked to the table beside me where there were several MOs, but he turned to my table and said, "Hi Sharon, I'll join you since you're alone."

I could only say, "Hi Mr. V." and tried to swallow a huge lump in throat.

He was eating something I've never seen before, so I asked what was that he was eating.

"It's idli. You're malaysian and you don't know idli." he said with a smile.

He then cut a piece of his idli and gave it to me.

I was surprised, but my spinal cord reflex was to fork the piece of idli and eat it.

"Hmm... that's good!" I exclaimed. And I could see his face lighten up.

Dr. V is so brotherly.

Then we chatted for a while. He asked me about how I was doing, whether I'm enjoying my current posting, etc. And just before another group of surgeons arrive at my table with their food trays, he said, "Sharon, if you want to do surgery next time, give me a call, wherever you are."

And there it was. We had broken up. But I was happy.

I just kept quiet after that, surrounded by 3 other surgeons and the head of department and several MOs. I heard Dr. V asking another surgeon how to bath a baby and that his first child was due next March.

I was happy for him, happy that he was happy.

:)

And the subsequent days of neurosurgey just seemed very fluid. And I looked more radiant too, even post call. My friends noted.

And Dr. Bear is now calling me "Sharon" instead of "Sharon Chin", so that's a start. :)

And my housemate, Pei Ling made me very happy last night because she said this after I was reading her something I wrote.

"Sharon, you would have been a good writer or journalist. What a waste."

I was happy because I for the first time, someone made me feel like that I could have been doing something else well and that being a sucky HO does not mean that I was hopeless. I don't feel mush regrets, maybe just I have many "what if"s.

I would sum my whole week as a very profound journey of self-discovery. I leanrt that I'm a very sensitive person. I don't take criticism (especially unjust ones) very well. And my OCDs have to go. You know my MO forced me write ugly and faster, and I was so upset the whole day. And I still haven't wean off liquid paper. He told me not to use liquid paper, but I couldn't resist. Those cross out words are getting to me. But this morning I wrote quite ugly and I quickly closed the case files and proceeded to the next patent, and it got easier as I moved along with each patient.

To answer Bren's question: What's the difference between married and very married?
Very married means happily married and still in love. But married or very married, married men are off limits. Period. I'm better than that.

Ok, have a productive week ahead! I'm on call again tomorrow. I hope nobody dies on me.

Learning the hard way

Post call again. Had my first neurosurgery call. Was very agitated and nervous the several days preceding my first real-life experience with traumatic head injury, skull fracture and comatose patients. The only great thing is the blood-taking bit. Poked wherever that was convenient to ME. No reservations. :) They don't complain, obviously. :)

Had my first brush with a hyperkalaemic patient with ECG changes. Way cool for me because I couldn't believe I actually saw all the typical hyperkalaemic changes printed in front of me as the ECG machine were recording the electrical activities of the poor man's heart. Tented T waves, small P waves and widened QRS complex. Just like in exam. And potassium came back 6.0. I quickly came my MO a call and asked him to give me the go to start on the Tripple regime. He said ok, and 4 hours later, a repeat ECG saw all the changes just completely resolved.

Amazing.

The poor patient could have died, but the thing that bothered me was my initial hesitation to call my MO despite being very sure that the changes were hyperkalaemic changes. I took a minute and doubted myself. That could have cost the man his life. I realized that I should have buried the fear of being wrong and risk being reprimanded and just call my damn MO. All for the patient, all for the patient.

My seniors said that we learn most of the things we need to know the hard way, which is quite unacceptable to me. If we can learn things the easy way, why shouldn't we? We shouldn't have to constantly risk people's lives to learn stuff and be more competent.

For my call, I brought 2 textbooks and a medical emergency handbook, which were my source of some sense of security.

Tomorrow onwards I'll be doing neurosurgery rotation for 2 weeks. Yes, the silly head of HOs gave me a neurosurgical call even before I had any experience in neurosurgery. But I feel much braver after yesterday's call. Slept only from 3am to 6am this morning. And I had to cover paediatric surgery as well. 3 children in the ward last night were having electrolyte imbalances as well. Luckily the Paediatric MO on call (who I had to constantly call up throughout the day and night to inform him of the children's progress) was nice and very patient. After 2 phone calls, I knew what to present to him, the info he needed to shorten the telephone conversation, and with each call, I could sense he trusted me. That was a bonus.

Great news! I've finally weaned off my very married (and father-to-be) Dr. V! Because I've found a new target! My friends are disgusted with me. How can I unlike someone so fast?!

Not so easy la bitches. It takes so much courage and many episodes of shortness of breath to finally accept the fact that I can't like him (and can't have him) because he's very married.

My new target is my very new MO, who just joined the surgical department from casualty department. Such a gentleman! And such a great teacher as well. He could tell that I was still kinda blur, especially the other my first time in the OT. And my first time assisting in a thyroidectomy. He took time to tell me where to get the forms to fill, what to prepare, etc. Later in the ward, he taught me how to write a better review, and the important stuff that should be included. And I could see how my understanding of what I'm doing in the wards day in and day out increasing exponentially.

Now I get my role as a HO. We are quite important after all.

Let's call my new crush Dr. Bear. :)

Maybe I just like nurturing guys. And he's such a gentle person! And he speaks so calmly too! *dreamy* The funny thing is that physically he's so completely the opposite in terms of physical attributes to Dr. V. Dr. V was beanpole tall with very serious expression on his face. Dr. Bear just has a very purposeful and kind face, and he's not that much taller than me, and has a heavy built, but I wouldn't call him fat. Just like a cute Teddy Bear.

The problem is, I don't know his "status". So what if he's married kan, some of you might say, if I just want to have a crush on him. But I can't. It's just my thing. I have OCD in many aspects of my lifestyle, and this is just one of them. :)

I flying home for a short break end of the month! Can't wait! Miss my family and my doggies at home, and my cousin Cynthia just got herself a Bull Mastif puppy she named Pepper!!! My dad sent me a picture and I thought he was adorable! I can't wait to squeeze him and kiss him! I can't post the picture now though because the internet cafe terminals has a weird OS... can't use the My Computer part... so I can't save anything into my handy drive and open any files from the it either.

I'm absolutely tired now, but I don't want to "waste" my weekend by sleeping because by 6.30am tomorrow morning, I have to be in the wards again. I have 15hours left to do non-work related things.

After this I want to get something done with my hair, haven't quite decided what. Yes, maybe I'll colour my hair, maybe streak it. :) I want to pamper myself a little because I start looking like a mess, usually half-way through my week, and I'm on call again this coming Thurs and Sunday.

Have asked my mum to make an appointment for a facial in Kuching for me when I get back.

And when I get my pay, I need to do some serious shopping for clothes!

I forgot to mention that the real reason why I'm going home end of this month is to attend an old schoolmate's wedding reception! People, Joyce Ho is tying the knot!

I don't know whether to cry in happiness for her or cry in despair for myself. Ehehehe. So I guess I'll be crying in happiness. :)

There's this one spinster doctor that everyone hates in the hospital. Even she is dating, OH MY GOD.

Ok, better key off here. Thank you guys for all your comments! Miss you all! I've been to your sites, but am not leaving any comments for now. Take care!