Even I need some help

I'm not feeling too well these couple of days. I can't sleep well. I get palpitations at night and even some breathlessness thinking about going to work and all that I have to do for the day. And I'm just so tired all the time and I'm having some degree of anhedonia.

I had a bad, bad call last night. Nobody died, but I was on my toes from 6pm when my call started right up to 5.30am the following morning. Admissions after admissions. I think my MO thought I was a little bit too slow in my work, but being the perfectionist that I can be, I wanted details. Now compounded with the missing a fast AF incident, I'm to the point of obsessive.

The GA MO oncall was bitchy, and 1 patient's op was canceled because the patient drank prior to being wheeled into OT, and she claimed that I did not instruct her not to eat or drink. But later she admitted to my MO that she forgot that she wasn't supposed to eat or drink, but that was after everyone in the OT was bitching about me.

That's not the worse part. Mr. V was oncall, and I thought I sort of asked a very stupid question. I almost died.

I kept on reassuring myself by saying, "Ask, and be a fool for 5 minutes. Don't ask, be a fool forever".

Problem is, I'm feeling like a fool for about 14 hours now.

I was so tired this morning when I finally completed the clerking, blood-taking, filling all the investigation forms and drug chart for the 4.30am admission around 5.30am, I felt like crying.

I can't face my 20+ patients in the Surgical Extension Ward.

I called my supervisor and explained to her that I can't work today. She was asking a lot of questions... URTI? Pain? Fever? Must get MC from casulty, she doesn't give leave to situations like mine... etc.

I told her frankly I'm not running a temperature, no URTI, no pain, no physical illness. I just can't work today because I'm just so tired.

"Sharon, are you in depression?"

"No, I'm just tired."

Finally after a 15mins phone call, she finally gave me the EL (Emergency Leave).

I got home and collapsed onto my bed, but the palpitations started again, and I swear I was breathing quite fast. I can't rest.

I got up. Took my bath. Sat down. Waited to around 8am and I called the Hospital and asked to be connected to the Psychiatry Clinic. I wanted an appointment.

3.30pm.

I'm scared that I might just lose it. My sis did several years back, and it traumatised me quite a bit. I'm scared. I just need some reassurance that I'm ok. And that everyone else was going through the same thing. Some reassurance that I'll be able to get through all these.

I wish I was a bird flying in the KK skies.