Easter triggered an upheaval

Easter, for the past 8 years has been like CNY, Christmas and Cap Goh Mei, very festive and lots of merry-making and eating. I just don't see the purpose and worse, I don't know where to even start to appreciate it. I find it difficult to proclaim, "He's risen from the dead! Alleluai!". So I keep to my very safe "Happy Easter" and "Blessed Easter". I don't know what's gotten into me really. It's like I'm being rebellious, resistant and maybe even phobic.

2 possibilities.

1, I'm disgusted by hypocrites. 2, I'm one of those hypocrites.

I rarely feel comforted by being conscious of my faith. Instead, I always feel tested (which everyone said I should be feeling), tired (because it's like a constant mental anguish) and it has made me very judgemental of everything and everyone around me.

And I never get real answers. All I get is floaty, heavenly things, fluffy, cottonwool cloud ideas of how I should live and face the world. I just don't get.

The horrendous thing about all these are that at the end of the day, I feel terribly guilty, like I've sinned terribly. And I ask myself why is God testing me such? What is His purpose? Isn't all the anguish I'm going through planned by God? Because "He knew me even when I'm in my mother's womb"?

When I pray, I try to visualize God before me, and I would start talking to Him... is that right? How should one pray?

Then when I vow to be nice to somebody who's been very hurtful, but halfway thought that if I let that person continue to be hurtful, am I not commiting a sin because I let that person continue to be a ****, instead of giving him/her a piece of my mind in the hope that he/she would change?

Then someone who say that "It depends..." Yes, it depends. Life has soooo many variables. Who said life was simple?

So that's why I'm confused... isn't our faith supposed to help us make sense of our lives, giving us directions, giving us cues once in a while to assure us that we're doing ok?

Despite all that I've said, my heart yearns for the time when my faith was simple, when I didn't question too much, when I wasn't very curious. When in my heart I was sure that I'm doing right, when I'm going the best direction.

I wish I can have that once again.

Maybe I should ask God tonight whether I derserve that again.