Another lifetime

I'm ashamed to admit that I'm more tormented about "leaving" Mr. V when I leave the department before Christmas. Even more so than being tormented by the dragon boss, for which I can't wait to leave as soon as possible. Yes, my hatred for that sorry old man has escalated over the weeks. So I keep telling myself, "3 more weeks, 3 more weeks... just hang in there...".

But how about Mr. V?

This, however is interjected rudely by self-pity and a very severe heartache. Self-pity because I always have this feeling that I always love a man that I can never love, so to so that I'm having bad thoughts like hoping something disastrous would happen to Mr. V's marriage or his wife, giving me a chance to be with him, because I would be a more understanding partner, much more than her. Severe heartache because he's so good to me and I can't respond. He is always asking whether I'm ok with such concern, always making body contact with me during ward rounds, not in a sexual way, just with gentleness and fierce protectiveness.

I dread that I have to go through that most horrible "weaning off" phase for the second time. I remembered that not too long ago, about 2 years, I was in the same position, so so tormented, and so so vulnerable. But I managed to pull through, so I'm hoping that I would be successful second time around.

I wish we had met in another lifetime, so we could fall in love and be together.

I wish.