Wishful thinking

Having a complicated mind is difficult enough. Couple that with an unsettled heart and an antagonistic gut feeling. Blend that together and what do one get? Bouts of depression, fear, uncertainty and heartache.

I tell you wishful thinking is a powerful thing.

I wasn't feeling very happy for the past couple of weeks because of the fatigue and continuous work. I was also being hypersensitive, subconsciously rebelious just because, and generally bitchy just because.

So last night I couldn't sleep and was thinking very intently of changing certain aspects of my current situation, the most drastic was changing department. Just thinking very intently. Didn't make any solid plans.

Then this morning, around 8am, doing my daily ward round with the team, the hospital director just dropped a bombshell on me. She said I would be transfered to the Casualty Department in January!

I must have looked a shade paler or something because my colleague C, quickly patted me on my back and consoled me with what he must assumed was a bad news.

I was shocked because I wished it and it happened!

All that is amazing but the problem now is that I'm very sad that I have to leave the department. My complicated mind tells me that it's the right thing to do to move on, to pursue what I want to do, to give other MOs a chance to be in the department they want, and to be rid of one of stressors in my life at the moment. But my unsettled heart is trying to keep me in the department. I've come to be comfortable with the people and work, and despite the battery, I've learnt to enjoy the experience.

My gut instinct wants me to plunge. To take risks.

I don't know what I want. It's my own fault for my dilemma now.